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Life After Seperation

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by venkiis, Jan 10, 2017.

  1. venkiis

    venkiis Senior IL'ite

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    Hi

    I am not divorced . I am considering it. I have been married for 12 years. I have 2 kids. I do not want to divorce but the way my wife behaviors and way of life is, i cannot live with that now. However i have given myself 1 year to help myself in career, health and emotionally if i have to seperate.

    I gave a brief description of my state NOT to initiate why i am thinking like this. I will start another thread on that. However i am curious to know what is the life after divorce.

    1. How are single parents able to handle kids
    2. Do both parents have to live close to kids. what if 1 person wants to move far due to career , emotional hurt to separate from kids or spouse. ( i want to move far, as i love my kids too much but wont be able to handle the pain to seeing them on weekends )
    3. any other issues.

    I am not worried about finance, not that i am super rich or anything. but i am aware of this issue i am going to face financially.

    sorry if my threads too much like a man, but honestly i can whine for hours but that wont help me what i am looking for
    thanks
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    You want to abandon the kids...because you will be hurt seeing them on weekends???
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2017
  3. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    If so I think your wife can get full custody of kids and you may need to leave your parental rights ( a lawyer can tell you clearly), and all decision maker would be your wife related to kids.

    But kids will suffer here, without a father in their life. Even weekends or monthly visits and spending time with kids give kids immense emotional strength.
    First it may look tough to deal with your ex.wife and the people in her life. it is equally tough to her to see you again, But few months you will forget your differences(if you both work maturely for kids) and work on kids as kids want both of you. Sorry if this paragraph is not what you want to read at this point of time.
     
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Is there some kind of counselling you both could seek so that you can emotionally and legally separate but still be there for kids...at least for some more years?
     
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  5. DDream

    DDream Senior IL'ite

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    Life after separation is not easy for many as this section of the forum reveals. If you are going to spend 1-year for you why don't you two try to get some counseling , solve the problems (if it can be) and improve your married life? That will be the best thing you can do to kids.

    Separation/divorce will definitely affect everyone including kids. So denying a fatherly figure in their life is the worst thing you can do to your kids. If your kids are very young, I am sure they will be clueless and it will create agony in their mind that their father abandoned them.

    If you cannot avoid separation and if you really love your kids, find a way to be with the kids. Both of you should talk and reach a solution that work best for the kids.

    "i want to move far, as i love my kids too much but wont be able to handle the pain to seeing them on weekends"
    Look like you are worried more about you than your kids. It is like running away from your responsibility as a father.
     
  6. venkiis

    venkiis Senior IL'ite

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    Have you ever had Flu fever in USA. ever peace of the bone in your body will hurt. Imagine getting such a high fever. Come home . Do the sink full of dishes. Then take care of your son who is 2 year old, who will sleep at night 12.00 am. then wake up 3 times a night because he cries for wet diaper or hunger. then wake up 6.30 am because your daughter needs to catch that 7.30 bus.
    Meanwhile your lazy ass wife is sleeping in the next room catching up the next season of Vampire diares.

    Have you ever lost your job (means literally kicked out) because your spouse could not get up early in the morning and you had to make the kids ready and then go late to work and also then come early from work because your spouse wants to study. Then after 1 year find out that your spouse has a affair.

    So please leave the judgment part, my Question was on the daily life that goes after a divorce.
     
  7. venkiis

    venkiis Senior IL'ite

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    I have tried a lot. Believe me the counselors in america either are scared to give their opinion or just play nice so that they can keep the bill running or are pure Feminists. sorry to say this.

    here is my experience .
    my wife : my husband has severe anger issues. he gets very angry and starts shouting and does not see anything
    counsellor - mr Venkii, anger is bad . you need anger management classess.
    Me : ok i will take. But my wife forgot to mention the scenario that

    she goes to work, then comes back home and goes to gym and has a personal trainer because her health is important. fine with me
    but if i just ask for going to gym , i cannot because i should come home play with kids , make them sleep and then do the dishes and then by the time it is done it night 11.00 pm and either the gym is closed or i loose interest.

    she can buy $110 jeans, but if i buy some clothes to replace my 10 year old shirts. i am selfish and does not appreciate her purchases.

    repeat this pattern for 6 months. Even God will be angry.

    ofcourse Counsellor will not ask this. They just focus on the anger part. How come when a snake bites we ask how he bit. when there is a fire we ask how fire came. but in a marriage a man gets angry we just focus on anger not how he got angry

    so when i tell this to counsellor, next session my wife will not come because it is going 1 sided.
     
  8. venkiis

    venkiis Senior IL'ite

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    Actually it does makes sense, without focusing on the emotional part, which i clearly asked not to talk about. thanks a lot.
     
  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    She can use your absence against you if you move away. Financially, you have to support your kids until they turn 18 and are legal adults. I don't know how you could get out of child support payments. Alimony rules vary from state to state. Assets splits are "supposed" to be equal but from someone's experience I can tell you that sometimes it isn't all that equal. Depends on how good a lawyer either party has.

    I think you need to consult a lawyer who should be able to answer your questions from a legal standpoint. Laws vary from state to state.

    Emotionally, get counseling for yourself. Couples counsellors are supposed to be unbiased. You need someone else for yourself who is your counselor to help you deal with the hurt caused by the spouse and how not to have that be the cause of you not having a relationship with your children. You have invested time and effort with the kids, don't give up custody and all. Have a say in their lives until they are legal adults. I know of a person who signed away his parental rights and is regretting it now. See if you can find a lawyer who helps with an amicable solution.
     
  10. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Are u in the US?
    At this point...ur kids need the reassurance that u are not abandoning them. While meeting them over weekends is not ideal..its better than moving thousands of miles away.
    Single parenting is hard..I know a few and they are able to pull through mainly because both of them stay within a couple of miles radius. Kids /mom get sick ..work related travel...life happens...
    There are just too many decisions(school and else where) that need to be taken ..most of the paper work in the US related to kids need the consent of both parents . Its not fair to place the entire responsibility on her shoulders .I would strongly recommend that u stay close to them and share custody.
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2017
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