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life after divorce?

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by sampadaPhadke, Jan 20, 2013.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    My answers as follows:-

    01 - It is purely depend on the reason for your divorce. Had you divorced for serious physical/emotional/economical violence, and badly wanted to escape from that marriage, I am sure you gonna enjoy the rest of your life no matter what. It is simply a freedom from a small violent cage - I've seen people of this category
    Nevertheless, if your previous marriage ended because of mere ego issue or over a small adjustable problem (of course the tolerance level varies up to individuals), you gonna miss your marriage after sometimes. Although you don't miss your ex.

    02 - I can not speak for Indian society in general, but as far as I know people of this era wouldn't behave harsh for the matter of divorce in general. But this is not the case in the rural villages. I've still seen some women (not only from rural areas, but also in the towns judges negatively on a divorced woman, suspect her character, and always have an eagle eye on her whereabouts.

    03- Definitely changing

    04 - Well, it depends on the person. Basically when it comes to arranged marriage (majority of the Indian marriages are of this kind I guess) not only the guy, but also his entire family get involves; hence the priority always given to the never married girls. But in love marriages, anything could happen, as the lovers place their love infront of all the other differences.
     
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    My answers as follows:-
    It is purely depend on the reason for your divorce. Had you divorced for serious physical/emotional/economical violence, and badly wanted to escape from that marriage, I am sure you gonna enjoy the rest of your life no matter what. It is simply a freedom from a small violent cage - I've seen people of this category
    Nevertheless, if your previous marriage ended because of mere ego issue or over a small adjustable problem (of course the tolerance level varies up to individuals), you gonna miss your marriage after sometimes. Although you don't miss your ex.

    I can not speak for Indian society in general, but as far as I know people of this era wouldn't behave harsh for the matter of divorce in general. But this is not the case in the rural villages. I've still seen some women (not only from rural areas, but also in the towns judges negatively on a divorced woman, suspect her character, and always have an eagle eye on her whereabouts.

    Definitely changing

    Well, it depends on the person. Basically when it comes to arranged marriage (majority of the Indian marriages are of this kind I guess) not only the guy, but also his entire family get involves; hence the priority always given to the never married girls. But in love marriages, anything could happen, as the lovers place their love infront of all the other differences.

    I have friends and cousins, those went through divorce and got married or into a relationship soon. They are apparently facing no issues from their families and communities - But all of them are currently living in the Europe and Canada.
     
  3. jans84

    jans84 New IL'ite

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    Life after divorce obviously will be painful but with time i think we will be able to
    forgot all the bad things that happened to us.

    yes the society still behaves harshly.

    Out look is not changing in India i guess seeing with my experience.

    No,never married guys are not interested to marry divorcee.if they want to then it will be for money thats all.



     
  4. happymomblore

    happymomblore Senior IL'ite

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    I agree, life after divorce can be miserable if its due to mere ego clashes and petty fights...though unfortunate that such divorces are on the rise these days
     
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  5. Baarish

    Baarish New IL'ite

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    Hi SampadaPhadke

    It depends on the marriage. It depends on if one is self supporting. It depends if there are children. It depends on having friends or being isolated. It depends on having someone else to fill in for the missing emotions. It depends on the person, their strength and confidence. It depends if the partner stay around because for access to children

    In loosing a spouse some people feel free, light, a bit confused but happy, either because of a divorce, or because the partner has passed away. That is how some feel if the marriage has been an unhappy experience.

    Generally marriage is compared to a death in the family. It will hurt and stays with us but people learn to live with it. Expect many sleepless nights and if you have children then you would have the task of helping them to adjust.
    There are times that one regrets it. There are times that the physical closeness to another person is missed. Be ready to see the other party loving your replacement in front of your eyes. The timing" Allowing the children to grow up" or “Getting a job and a place" can help.

    Please do everything necessary to make sure that it is the right move. It is one of those things that when started can not be stopped.

    There are people who don't mind a divorce but it is not easy to deal with the shadow of an X in one's new beginning
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2013
    1 person likes this.
  6. imDepressed

    imDepressed New IL'ite

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    Need advice

    Hi im 24 yr old, M.Tech graduate. I got married in 2013 dec. Its a arranged marriage. Stayed with him 3 months only, begining few days everything was ok but after tat he started torturing me because I don't work and earn money. He wanted 2 share home rent 50:50, if v go to movie again 50:50 etc... If he speak with me he use many bad words and used to insult me al th time. He didn't respect my parents n my family members. He used to drink a lot at home only n used to smoke a lot. He is not a caring person. And I got aborted at that tym he ignored me. I couldn't bear that behaviour and he was not answering my phone calls also. More painful days. After my abortion I stayed wid him fa 15 days. He ignored me, fought wid me for unnecessary reasons, slapped me many times. Then I attempted for suicide but god saved me. after few days of this incident, his parents were not allowing me to meet my mom n dad. Even his mom were treating me lik servent. My in laws n my husband tried to shut me in a room but I came out of that house n now im staying with my parents n sisters.
    Now he is asking for divorce and he want to get marry again. Unable to forget everything.* Y these are happened to me. Im scared abt my future. Shuld I giv him divorce or not?
     
  7. Honeyteddy

    Honeyteddy Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Need advice

    Still you are thinking to stay with this person??:drowning:eek:mg:

    Please post this as different thread. then you will get perfect advises from our ILties
     
  8. desposhwetha

    desposhwetha Gold IL'ite

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    How is life after divorce?
    Honestly it is shaky. Because as any other woman ,you trust your spouse, and have colourful dreams and feel life is going to be ever after. But when it all comes crashing down, you are first shattered . The fear is hard to ward off. In fact you must be brave enough to call it quits and sensible to understand that the marriage is over.
    If you are wondering why it is all happening to me alone, then stop that first . It is better that we wanna take a stand and come out of a relationship hale and healthy than live half dead.
    Indian Society: Any functions, ceremonies, get to gathers or gatherings would seem so [painful to you. You would not know how to react when friends or family ask you “How is your husband? To be honest even in cities, you might be considered as a bad omen and avoided in marriages or such functions.
    If you start pondering on your horos, your karma, your parents karma, u end up nowhere.
    Relax. You cannot change what has happened. But you have a life which you can still mould. The pot has broken. But the clay can still be molded.
    Work on your career. Your biggest strength could be your profession. Though old aunts and grannies would talk about you being insane, forget about it. Not everyone who walk alongside with their husband are actually happy. Of course the wound is deep and not easily curable, yet you must accept that your life is different.
    The faster you grow, the sooner your pains heal.
    Indian men remarrying. YES. My fiancé is a man who was never married. He has accepted me without any qualms. It depends on destiny. Because, I didn’t choose my BF. It happened and I am very happy and being loved in this relationship.
    So be wise and think of all possible options before you quit. But once you quit take the road that is quite unsafe carefully. .
     
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  9. GlobetrotterG

    GlobetrotterG Silver IL'ite

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    Im a single mother of a girl kid, used to live in chennai/Bangalore .When you decide to walk out of a marriage, your life is your hands. You no longer have a co-captain, you’re driving alone. One of the first areas you have to assume responsibility for is your own well-being. You can’t outsource healing; you have to do it yourself. It was really scary taking on all of the responsibility myself. Yet it’s also empowering. Because what you own, you can change. It’s your life now.I realized that first few years after divorce was a time of significant personal growth, with greater independence and more personal choices. It is crucial to work to create a better life. Mourning for the loss of a relationship is healthy and normal. You must give yourself permission to feel grief, go through it, and emerge. Even if the marriage was badly flawed, you invested time and emotion in it and its loss is painful.

    In the beginning, divorce did sap my confidence. I was feeling defeated because i couldn’t hold my marriage together. And when i faced the marriage/ dating scene again, yet older and saggier than before, my self-doubt grew. But i did feel a sense of relief because my relationship was particularly stressful towards the end. If u are getting out of a marriage fraught with conflict or violence you will be happier in the long term, However , there could be a different kind of stress : The stresses of being in an unhappy marriage may simply be replaced by different worries, such as not being able to trust a man again, struggling to find a perfect partner or a fear of being rejected.

    Many of the feelings after a divorce are perfectly natural, as i experienced confusion and uncertainty about the future. Similarly, learning how these feelings may affect one's ability to connect with other family members, such as children, is important, as well was importaant. I think that the average divorced woman has less money than the average married woman and women don't completely recover from the financial consequences of divorce until re-marriage or focus on their career.

    Second-guessing was common, I felt a sense of guilt for the demise of the marriage. Did i work hard enough to save my marriage? Did i hasten its demise by something i did, or did not do? Have i scarred my children? These negative thoughts ate me and crippled my ability to respond to new situations, as my brain was forever dwelling on old issues. It's especially true as my kid was involved and i felt as though i was responsible for breaking up a family and causing emotional trauma.I felt saddened by the sudden loss of my marriage. My dreams for the future was wrapped up in marriage, and now that hope for the future appeared to be gone. Increased responsibility combined with the realization that the life yu envisioned no longer exists correlates with the fact i suffered from depression. I felt fearful of small, immediate issues and fearful of distant problems yet to arrive. Easily said, harder to do: I did try not to worry. Anger consumed me at the cost of clear thinking and wise choices for me and my children. I think my anger rose from my fears, and was work hard to conquer those fears.

    It makes us mature , leaves no room for overdependence on others and childhood fantasies and.Since i faced my fears and survived, i acquired strength. And whenever i come through a struggle bruised and battered yet without giving up, i built trust in your abilities. As the dust settled, i found an increased thankfulness for the friends who stepped up and stood by. Now i treasure every day where the smiles outnumber the tears. And i will retain that gratitude even as the pain fades because once as i have felt rock bottom, i appreciate everything that lifts me up. I was able to see past patterns now, that was less cloudeded by emotion and cluttering detail. That perspective gave me an insight to change my own behavior and to improve my future relationships.When i felt pain, i honored and respected that pain in others. The end of a marriage made more empathetic towards people facing any kind of loss. As i moved towards acceptance and forgiveness of my situation and my ex, i developed the ability to see more than one viewpoint and to consider the feelings of others. Divorce also wiped away the ego that demands that it’s shameful to ask for help.

    The journey of divorce was an arduous one, took much longer and with more setbacks than i imagined before i took that first step. It had many moments of false-hope when i thought that worst was behind me, only to find that i was snapped back yet again to the depths of hopelessness
     
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