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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sundari77, Jan 16, 2012.

  1. sundari77

    sundari77 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi All

    Iam a silent reader of this forum. i have at the max posted some 3 or 4 posts. I have a very trivial issue compared to what others share in this foum but yet i feel most of the happyly married girls from this forum might have faced this issue in different form.

    My background is Iam a post graduade. Working in software married for 10 years . Have 2 kids elder one in 3rd standard and younger one 2 years old.

    My hubby is an eng graduage. Working in software. We( me and my parents ) had initially been tortured by my inlaws and as most of the guys my hubby just watched . Never supported me in front of his mother. Time passed by, my hubby did a big mistake by investing in life long savings and also took lot of loan and build a big house for my in laws and his borther. His brother did not have a proper job and he did not invest any this for that house But the house was in the name of both my hubby and my brother in law (the doing of my mother in law). So as a twist after the house is buit my brother in law sold this share ( !) of the house and went some where( un reachable). Now my hubby is in big problem(acivil case is filed)and theperson who got the house( a rowdie) is asking my hubbys share also for 1/2 0f the market rate. My hubby and his parents did nt want to give the house his parents live there.

    Now coming to my issue, firstly my hubby never told me he is building a house. I came to know much after a year they started the consturction. I was hurt. Here iam trying very hard to buy an appartment for us , i did not get my hubby's support(becas he already got a loan which i dont know at that time). I got a loan from my father , took loan and was suffering financially all teh while my hubby was building this big house.

    Please note that iam not against my husband to build a house for his mother. I was against to build a 2 storied building and that to with half share to his brother who did not have proper respect to my hubby.

    but that is the past history and now my hubby realised his mother's true nature and now he supports me although there is nothing to support as we are living seperately for my in laws

    All is well now.. but suddenly yesturday (pongal day) he came and told me he has taken a resolution that he will not pray!!!! and we shd not call him during pooja and all. I know he is blaming God for the problem he is facing now.. so much money lost and he last face . but apart from that all is well for us and for him personnally. I told him so and left it as such.

    My mother during pooja called him to dot he pooja and he adamentally refuced. I was upset.dont know why. i feel he is behaving childish may be me too childish

    Ifeel for all the sacrifises i did for him personally. I stand by him in all the ups and downs but i felt he is not having any kind of love or affection for me. he knows this upsets me. he could have comeand stand there just to satisfy me or else atleast consouled me while i cried afterwads(i know iam being childish). but i some how felt he does not love me.. he is not consedeing my feelings at all. Iam nto talking to him now.. he tried to speak to me as if every thing is normal but as i was not talking he is also keeping mum.

    Now tell me friends.. who is at fault here. My parents says iam being childish.. But i hope u can understand me. The issue is not what it seems .. the issue is i feel he is not in love with me.. if he is he would not made me suffer like that on a festival day

    waiting for ur comments

    sundari
     
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  2. blessbabydust

    blessbabydust IL Hall of Fame

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    Sundari77 dont get dishearted you have every rights to feel what you have to feel ...... things to be noted :-
    1. Now its your time to stand beside him as your husband is going thru hell pain
    2. He realised his mistake but he is adamant in admitting ... it takes time
    3. see your children future if you and your husband is not happy the children can understand the situation and becone very stressful
    4. Iam not saying you should be the saint in forgiving his wrong doings but just give him support
    5. He is angry and adamant you should have read this long time ago so adjust accordingly ... give and take policy .... i know you have been a giver all times but no pain in that .... some people are like that
    6. Give him some space .... so he comes and talk with you
    7. Take your life easy and dont ever think that blame game will work within relationship it will wreck it not stick it .

    good luck dear ... :)
     
  3. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Sundari,

    There seem to be two issues going by what you say:

    1. Your husband lost money building a house without telling you and did not stand by you.

    2. He has stopped praying.

    You are saying you have let the first issue go, as it is over and done with and nothing can be done now.
    You wonder whether he loves you or not because he refused to pray for your satisfaction. I think you are confusing issues here. If you feel he does not love you or support you, you have a genuine issue which you need to work on.

    However, his praying or not has nothing to do with you. It is his personal equation with God. There is no point in standing there just to satisfy you when his mind is not on the prayer. Would you be satisfied knowing he is just play acting? Or do you want the honest truth? In fact this is not even an issue.

    So spare yourself and your husband some agony and concentrate on the real problems at hand.
     
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  4. kylie

    kylie Gold IL'ite

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    dear sundari,

    Going thru' yr post, one can understand that yr family is going thru difficult times, more so yr husband. Pls. understand that yr husband wud b going thru immense mental stress. The fact that he does not want to pray is his own way of letting God know that he is feeling helpless and let down. It has nothing to do with his love for u. He probably doesn't even know that he is hurting u by not praying. There is no point in his just standing there while the puja is on just to make others happy bcoz God knows our innermost feelings. So give yr husband some time to come to terms with reality.

    It is never adviseable in any relationship, especially between married couples, to stop communicating. It never does any good. Only by talking n supporting each other will u b able to sort out yr problems - after all as they say, 2 minds is better than 1 !!

    Hope u r able to come out of this situation.

    love
    kylie
     
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  5. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    When someone is in deep problems, it's very natural to be angry with god. Actually, one doesn't have anyone else to blame. I myself have done that last year & it took me some time to change the equation. When he finds a way to slove his problem, his attitude towards good will change. Anyway he beleiving in god should not be a problem. He is showing his frusturation to god, I think you should leave this as it is & concentrate on other major issues in marriage & household.
     
  6. riyagan

    riyagan Gold IL'ite

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    childishness and men are inseparable. when things go wrong the first person men blame is his wife.. Next God, depend on his spiritual level.. he knows that his mother and sibling is wrong..but he wont show it out..they are bigger than god! in your case..continue giving ur hubby mental support..be there for him... IGNORE and take it easy if he does undesirable things such as not praying.. this is not the issue at all. but i know it is hurting ur feelings and he does it also for u to feel this way. all u have to do is Ignore and concenrate in the main probs..


    in a lighter note i wud give the house to the rowdy happily for half rate instead to my inlaws for free! the rowdy is better than inlaws..he is just greedy... rather he dint torture u like ur inlaws did..
     
  7. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    Dear

    That your husband has invested his savings in a jointly registered house ,that too without your knowledge must be very painful for you.
    But at the same time (if we for a moment forget that your husband is married and has kids),he is bound to get hurt by the circumstances that he has faced.
    Imagine somebody getting ditched by his own mother and brother ,loosing his hard earned money as well as trust .
    The problem right now for him is his individual.
    I am not advising to become an all forgiving wife but right now be a little sympathetic and caring towards your husband.Give him some time.He will recover with your love and care.
    Its quite common for people to feel deceived by God in such situation,especially when they get betrayed by the ones they love.
    Don't force him to pray.Let it be as it is for sometime.
    Just reassure him that no matter what your love is something he can always rely on, that it will not change .
    Unlike his mother and brother, your love will unconditionally be secure .
    And do so in a subtle manner.Do not be very assertive.Let it sink in very slowly and reassuringly.

    You seem to be very mature from your post so I hope you will get what I mean.

    As for the other aspect of the situation,
    Your MIL had a rowdie moving next to her ,her ill intentions got rewarded in the most deserving way.
    As far as your husband's investment into the house ,I hope with the kind of returns the real estate market gives,he must be able to salvage his initial investment ,if not make any profit,so it would be good to put the house for sale and give it away for the best possible deal and invest the returns into something more profitable.
     
  8. sundari77

    sundari77 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi All

    Thanks for all your replies. My husbands failure over that investment has not happnd this year. it has happend 3 years b4. From that time on iam supporting him in all the steps he took. Like taking legal steps and all. he as confident till now to get back the initial money atleast but now the situation is more complicated that it seems we cant even get the money he has invested.

    But iam not much worried. i am not blaming him. God has blessed us in all the other investments i have made and iam happy with what we have.

    Even iam confused why iam upset over this matter. My brian tells me that believing Gor or not is his decision and no body has any right to involve in this. But ... as i said iam really upset .. not talking to him for 2 days.. initally he tried to talk as if nothing happnd i did not respond .now he has also stopped talking..

    yday i send a mail to him telling what i think of his attitude and he replied back and that increases my hurt and anger.. He did not talk abt the matter or why he decided this way or why he did not discuss this decision with me much b4.. what he has written in the mail is abt my parents.. who is with us taking care of my kids..

    I cant believe it. He said some thing abt my parents not looking aftermy son who is 2 years old when he is at home. They are leaving it to him to look after him ti seems

    iam totally shocked.. why shd e bring my parents to this issue which i entirely between us. My aprents is here just to help us.. they are not our servants.. they ar e60 years old . They ahve done us somany things. Any investment i made i ahd a helping handfrom my parents. Thye fully took responsibility to bring up my elder son when my hubby did not even bother abt us at that time. Now they are old.. but even then they are taking care of a 2 year old from 10 to 6. is that not enough.

    I sent a mail of what i think of him yday.. N reply still and i dont expect any reply for that.. what is there to reply. iam really sad now.

    I know my hubby isnot that bad. he has helped my parents int eh past. What happnd to him suddenly. when eve r i scold him he deviate the issue to my parents so that i wll keep queit. i got really pissed off this time.

    I really dout does he love me.. he takes care of the family. He got me whatever i want.. say if i say we need to invest here now.. he will try his level best to make that happen. he never interfere in my carrier or he never asks me what i save and what i spent.

    when we had a big issue with my sister's family. he came with us to solve this. He ahd the decency to never talk abt that also

    But as to me as a individual he has not done or said anything which shows he loves me.

    he knows iam hurt and angry withhim.I ahve stopped talking to him but still he did not try to talk to me.

    Sorry for the long post. Iam just confused. is this a mid age crissis. :)
     

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