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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by candidheart, Mar 8, 2015.

  1. candidheart

    candidheart IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi All,

    Coming back after a gap. I need all your opinions and suggestions on my current situation. Rewinding a little, (some of you aware from my previous posts)My dad was diagnosed with liver disease and struggled for 2 years...during that time my husband wouldn't talk much to them over the phone(like he always did..PIL's Poisoning). My parents would feel hurt, especially mom that he never enquired, him being the son-in -law chosen by them. (My sis eloped and got married and stay 1 block away, but ultimately, they were the ones who took care).Initially I had that expectation too and at one point let it go as"big deal" why give him so much importance, and I would feel that my parents too should not give him that much importance (after all he is not their own blood). I was hurt too, but my ego did let me insist that he talk to them. Within the 2 years period he would have hardly talked to them like 3-4 times. my mom passed away first and I went all by myself, husband and son said will come later, owing to the reason of school. I thought to hell with school, At the most he will lose a year, here a dear life is lost, but then i didn't argue and didn't care a damn of whom came with me, I left to India. My dad was in his late stages by then, which we weren't aware and my mom's loss also took a toll on his health and he passed away two weeks later. By then too my husband hadn't come to India. after letting him know that my dad is serious and admitted in hospital then he booked tickets to come. BY the time he came my dad was gone too. When i spoke to a neighbour, she said that my mom was so hurt that my husband did not show any concern for my dad's illness. In my MIL's presence, I said, "what to do aunty? the one they chose with care as son-in law was of no use and worth, the one who came from nowhere finally stood by the family"(no matter what other differences we had). My MIL looked shocked but couldn't utter a word as it was the truth. So I have this scar in me..and I don't think I will ever forgive him, and PIL for that. he knows that too.

    Now the current situation, My Father in law got sick, started of with diarrhea and got diagnosed as having viral fever and got admitted in the hospital for 2 days now and will be discharged soon. He is better now, I enquire about their well being from husband. I did not enquire on the phone directly to my MIL and my husband expects that, he has already asked me twice and I brushed it away. (an ordinary viral fever and he reacts as if the sky is falling down, ofcourse becoz of my MIL's exaggerated drama of self pity, no one there to take care of us etc etc,) he was on the phone this morning and I heard my MIL saying, "daddy was asking if everyone enquired, you your brother, brothers wife.... and stopped there, hinting about me. The minute he puts down the phone he is like "you should atleast talk to them once, and I know you are taking revenge for my behavior with your parents but you never insisted that I talk..I have never refused to talk when you handed the phone to me but here I am requesting and you're turning it down. he expects me to talk tonight when he calls them. he is sad.

    From my point of view:
    1.Can't call it a revenge yet, as the equation of illness is not even the same here. ( very rude but a fact)
    2. why can't he accept the fact just like how I did?
    3. he wants to satisfy his mom who put him in the spot hinting everyone spoke expect me!
    4. One side of me tells, it is not a big deal , you be the bigger person here, after all an enquire to make the older generation happy, not going to loose anything by doing it, how long are they going to be here, make peace etc, but other side tells let them feel how it would have hurt me and my parents, now that the roles are reversed! How would they feel the pain if I let my good side show and gave in?
    5. I am also thinking would my parents like this behavior of mine, for the wonderful souls, they were, they wouldn't approve ....

    Please pour in your opinions and suggestions.. I want to know if what I am doing is right or wrong, and in the long run what matters??

    Thank you all in advance!
     
    sindmani, panda2014 and premabarani like this.
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  2. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Would say enquire. Make your husband feel ashamed of his previous behavior by showing how to behave
     
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  3. radv

    radv Gold IL'ite

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    Call and enquire about his health, if you think by doing this you will get peace of mind.
    Do not expect your husband to feel ashamed about his behavior or will feel good about you.
     
    2 people like this.
  4. candidheart

    candidheart IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you Armummy for your suggestion. That's one of my thoughts too.. Apart from that If we left our relationship with respective inlaws out of our married life equation, then he is a very good husband. so at times I also think, I should do this for him, if not for inlaws..but the main problem here is with the relationship with inlaws.. thats what makes it tough for me...
     
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  5. rmuramka

    rmuramka Gold IL'ite

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    @candidheart,
    He behaved like that because probably that was his upbringing (sorry for being rude).
    We behave like how we are brought up....and I am sure its way better than theirs.

    Every person, though some don't agree, have something called 'Self Conscious'. You go about..behaving normally with them giving respect to their 'Age' if not for anything else. Their Self Conscious would prick them sometime or the other.

    God is there to take care of the good and bad. You do your duty and set a good example for your kid!!

    :)
     
    6 people like this.
  6. Harini73

    Harini73 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,

    As others have suggested just do your duty (make a call).
     
  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You lost your parents in quick succession. He should be ashamed for eternity at his behavior. If he had simply said he was sorry for what he did (or did not), and asked you if you could find it in your heart to forgive him, and if this had happened before his father fell sick, then, maybe you could take the high road.

    In this case, there are two points not in his favor:
    (i) He is rationalizing that he didn't actually refuse to talk if you handed him the phone, and putting the blame on you for not insisting. !!!!
    (ii) Even that lame (i) only when and because his father is sick.

    If you do call and inquire about your FIL's health, you should do it for the sake of that old man, and because your parents would want you to. You should make it clear to husband that his rationalizing is pathetic. Keep the call brief.

    I wouldn't call.
     
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  8. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Your Dhs behavior is not acceptable in my dictionary.Not to care about wifes parents and expecting his parents to be treated as her own is not fair.His double standards stink.I am not sure that i would be able to do tit for tat in this issue.In your place i would enquire but make sure my dh understands thats a favor for his sake(out of my own goodness which he didnt have).
     
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  9. candidheart

    candidheart IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you @radv,@rmuramka,@harini73, @rihanna and @pear for you responses. Yes you are on the dot Rihanna, a heartfelt sorry would have sufficed. Anyways last night he did not ask me to speak, guess he finished the call when he went out, and realized he cannot request it from me.

    I am planning to talk to them next time he calls. Dont want to stoop too low, never liked it anyways and now that I have made my point with him, i would do what my conscience says and how I was brought up!! But it will remain with me forever that my parents left hurt.
     
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  10. butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    Your husband's behaviour is pathetic.

    That said, I would go with your point no 4. Call your FIL, enquire after him and do say you understand his suffering as you have seen your father suffer with his wife's loss and grave illness. Also you know fully well what it feels like when one of your own doesnt step in to take care of your own. That's why you called.Say you wish him to get better for the sake of your MIL.

    You can be the bigger person. You can also assert how hurtful their behaviour has been.
     
    sindmani, deepideepi, pear and 7 others like this.

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