let me know how to handle this...

siababa · Aug 8, 2012

Hi All,

I seriously need all your advice and suggestions. I'm totally confused and worried about my younger brother. Ok let me come to the point.

My father is no more now and i have brother who is 2 yrs younger to me. I'm married for 6 years and have a 2yrs old kid. MY dad died before my marriage and our's is a love cum arranged marriage. We both belong to the same cast expect he is a telegu guy and my mother tongue is tamil.

I intially faced a whole lot of problems in my marriage. My in-laws are not broad minded people and are really hypocrites. I know them (they also) right from my higher sec school days and my parents ( my dad was alive at that time) and they were very good friends/neighbours. still they don't want their son to marry me and created a big drama and scene during my marriage.

The reasons which they gave was i'm just a commerce graduate and he is an IItian. How can you marry a girl who is just a graduate.... she is not even earning 50% of your income. ( i was working then) her father has not saved any assets for her.... They are living in a rental house(the funny part was even my in-laws did'n have any own house at that time, it's only coz of their sons they are in a good position now. )

After my marriage i was treated very badly and with my dad's blessings, courage and with the god's grace i'm out of all those horrifying days and living with my husband and kid seperately now. Life treated me well for few days and now again i'm into a situation where i need your suggestions.

My brother is in love with a girl who is not from our caste and she is also a year elder to him. My mom is not happy with this and she is against this marriage. My uncles (my mom's bro) are the ones who really really helped us morally right from the day my dad left this world. They r the ones who went and spoke to my in-laws, convienced them and arranged my marriage. Ofcourse my in-laws at that time did'nt treat them well. They helped my bro with his education loan. To put it simple it's only coz of them we are (me, bro and mom) in a good position now. My mom's dad is also there. He is 80 + now. We don't have any support from my dad's side as his parents are also no more and he has no sibblings. Now the entire family is not happy about my brother's affair and all of us had enough discussions with him to come out of this relationship.

But unfortunately he is not ready for that and my mom walked out and is staying in her sis house. My bro has fixed the date for his marriage all by himself and he even has printed the invitation card without my mother's approval/blessings.

My husband informed abt my bro's affair to my in-laws and right frm then they have been questioning me about his status. I'm really not happy and now they know through my husband that he is gng to get married on this aug and they also know how my family is badly wounded coz of this. Inspite of all this my fil asked me like so i did'nt get any invitation from your bro? i want to attend his marriage:rantwhere and how is he gng to marry. ur cutom or their's /temple or has he fixed any halls etc etc to me. I seriously feel bad/ wounded and depressed. How could people be like this.

I also have elder BIl. co-sis who is abroad and non of us from my mother's side is gng to approve his marriage And he is gng to marry that girl as per his plans.. Now how should i handle my PIL and co-sis. I sure i'm gng to face a very big issue after his marriage.... All of them are gng to moke and question me like anything:hide: Unfortunately i don't have PIL who are understanding. Honestly according to me they don't have any humanity and they treated me very very badly during my pregnancy and i just don't ever want to think about all those things ever again in my life. I'm still in touch with them after all the worst things they did to me , just coz i love my husband a lot and he loves his parents. Finally i don't want my daughter and husband to stay away from them.

According to them it is just their son and grand daughter they are worried about and they don't want to loose them for whatever reason and i seriously don't want to interfere in that relationship.

My relationship with them is just a hi and bye. Phone calls during festival time and visits to their place during festivals and whenever my husband wants me to visit them that's it. I do all these things just as a duty and definitely not out of love. They don't deserve any love from me and they made me think so.

Even in this situation they only want to enjoy my sad situation and they are kind of person who will feel happy that now they have a reason to keep their DIL under their control for the rest of their life. How should i handle this.

I agree it's my brother's life and i have no control over his marriage or things. But unfortunately his actions are going to definitely ruin my personal life. My mom is a getting a family pension and now she is gng to suffer throughout her life coz of his actions. She is not interested to be with him and hence after knowing that he is gng to marry that girl she is fed up vexed and she walked out of the house. It's a rental house, she has no assests:spinshe is in a very miserable state and i could'nt even ask her to stay with me for rest of her life coz i'm sure my in-laws will definitely speak bad one day if i decide to make her stay with me for rest of her life and more over they won't give any respect to my mom which i don't want to happen.

I don't know what to do. I'm a home-maker and i don't work right now. I want to support my mom financially but i have 2 year old kid at home and i can't find a job immediately. I don't want my brother to marry that girl. BUt i know i cannot ask him not to marry her though he is my brother. Now how i'm i gng to handle this situation. MY uncles and grand father are very clear and they are not gng to keep in touch with him once he marries her. My mother wants them and i want my mother.

He is gng to marry her this aug and should i have to inform this to my in-laws... My mother has decied to stay alone and my PIL dosn't know about this decision. We don't want to hide all these things from them. But we are trying our best to make things work out first. Coz as i said My PIL are really not nice person. They will only make the situation worse. Now my worries are how in the world i'm gng to face My PIL, BILS Co-sisters, their parents etc etc..... please help me out to handle this situation. :drowning

My husband is a easy go person and according to him it's ok if his bil marries that girl.

Foundlove · Aug 8, 2012

I also think that your DH is right and it's ok if your brother married acc to his choice. Your husband seems to be understanding , why not ask him to tell ur PILs to back off. Moreover you should always say I don't know much and I am not attending if you want.
Good luck

monita · Aug 8, 2012

Be very clear about one thing that your brother is not committing any crime. If you are convinced of it yourself, it will be easier to convince others. About answering your ILs, most ILs at some point or other ask their dil questions she might not want to answer. Learn techniques to evade their questions. You don't have to answer them if you don't want to. You can remove yourself from the scene, change topic or use some such tactic. About your mother, don't worry too much, time does repair things, just give it some time and things will fall into place. Even if your brother marries against his mother's wish, he (and you) has to provide for her. Even if you are not in paid work, you contribute to your household wealth and well being. So, don't think of yourself as being a non earner.

cutemonster · Aug 8, 2012

Hi op, you had love marriage and had to struggle to get married to your dh so how can you feel that what your bother is doing is wrong and insulting to the family?
he is just getting married to the person he loves , so what if she is from different caste, instead of understanding and supporting him you are worried about society. why do you blame your brother that he is causing you embarassement and spoiling your relation with ur in laws?
I dont want to be rude but if ur parents could accept ur love marriage why not your brothers?
you had a bad relationship with your in laws and you suffered there, so dont you think your mom should have tried that her dil does not suffer in her home and is given love and respect she deserved ?you guys had every chance to show your in laws how can a dil get along nicely with her in laws and is accepted by her mil and sil but its sad to see somehow every family has different rules for dil and daughter!

satchitananda · Aug 8, 2012

Hi Siababa,

I am a bit confused after reading your post. It was fine for you when you married your husband though it was inter-regional. So what is bad about your bro marrying a girl of his choice? Instead of joining your mom's approach of disapproving of your bro's wedding, you should have stood by him and tried to support him. You as his older sis should have tried to convince your family that it was perfectly fine for him to marry a girl of his choice. If all of you had stood by him, this problem of "how do I answer my ILs" would not have been there at all. You could have proudly said "It's my bro's choice and we are standing by him. His happiness is what counts for us. My mom is very happy and she will treat my sil very well".

siababa · Aug 8, 2012

Thanks found love for your reply.

Yes he is a understanding person only at the same time he is a person who has lot of respect for his parents. I can completely understand that and be whatever it is his parents at the end of the day and hence he will never say anything which will make my in-laws feel bad.

Lot of time he knows that they are not right and the best thing about him he supported me silently during those times and sometimes he also spoke to his parents on behalf of me. He is a very nice person. My man definitely. That's my Biggest +

siababa · Aug 8, 2012

montika and cutemonster,

I completely agree and do understand that he is not commiting any crime by falling in love. But my view is different from yours . According to me fall in love with a person who is from a different caste is not a crime. But marriage is between two family and not just between two people alone in our society. Love marriage with the blessings of the both side parents is good. I completely disagree his decisons of walking out of the house and marrying her.

This is not cinema. It"s life ladies. Your love life will be happy and peaceful only if you marry your love with the blessing of your respective parents. Just think it's our parents whom we need to be thankful for what ever we are today. HOw many sacrifies they would have made for whatever we are today. And are we are not matured to satisfy their simple wish. Yes mine is a love marriage too, but still me and Dh were very very clear that without our parents wish and blessings we will won't marry. We are living happily today coz we at that time were ready to sacrifice our lives for the wish of our parents.

In this modern world we have everything, exposure, education, financial independence, etc etc still we don't want to give up few things for the sake of our parents. We are not ready to do any sacrifies for our own parents and family members. Are we all selfish????? i"m ashamed of this state of the society. I'm sorry but we are trying to put a nice, broadminded, open minded people mask and trying to hurt the true feelings of our parents.

For me it's the family first as i said the rest will surely fall in place if you are honest to your family members. I still have lot of misunderstandings with my in-laws but i never ever will try to avoid them. I don't get their opinions for each and everything i do, but still i do consider their views for the important family decisions. Yes i felt bad at times when they were not ready to take my suggestions/ tried to dominate me. All i did was silent and never tried to aruge or fight with them. It's not coz i'm afraid or not ready to talk against them, but i know just simply agreeing to them and keeping silent will make the situation best. They think they had won that situation and dominated me and they felt happy about it, so what i'm definitely not the looser. It made me understand about them better and only coz of that let go policy my husband started loving me even more and he stands by my side. I don't want to make my man unhappy by priking fights for small small things with my PIL's. That's life gals.

Try it first. Be ready to sacrifice, adjust and you will enjoy a very blissful life. Unfortunately we are giiving a wrong scenario to the future generations. Yes i agree our children are different person and they have their own life. But that is true only after they are married. No parent in this day is gng to interfere with each and every decisions of a child. But when it comes to marriage, i differ from you all. Nothing wrong in falling in love. It happens, but one should be matured enough to sacrifice their true love if their parents are really not happy about this. Just think no parent will want their child to suffer.

And each family is different. My uncles and aunts are very nice person. They are much much older than me and you and they know what is best to him... They had been with us throught all our tough times and they only wished gud for the family. They are sure this marriage is not gng to make his life happy. They had also crossed these kind of issues during their college days and they sacrified a lot for the family. It's this attitude which is making them lead a happy and blissful marriaged life.

A person walking out of the house for the sake of his life and later pleading the parents to accept them is nothing but a true selfishness. If they accept you you are ok what if they do'nt accept you. Throughout your life you will feel guilty. We all have kids and we will also face this situations in the future. A good son/daughter will never make their parents feel low and sad and i will never ever do anything which will make my family feel bad. I'm clear that my actions should not make my family members feel bad. Now tell me i'm I wrong.

arch1209 · Aug 8, 2012

Hi Siababa

I understand your point of view about marriage being not just between two individuals but also between two families. Surely in Indian culture a marriage is the coming together of two families but what I am finding it difficult to comprehend is that when your family was ready and everyone from your uncles to your extended family worked towards getting you married to the love of your life why the opposite reaction for your brother's wedding.
Like Satchi and Cutemonster have pointed out I am confused about how your family is okay with you choosing your life partner but not with your brother choosing his life partner. Is there a problem with the girl, also I thought you mentioned that your mom walked out on your brother

I think your brother is only standing up for the girl he loves, I am not sure if it is the right way to go about it or not. Maybe he should wait till your mom comes around and accepts his relationship but maybe, however, somebody from your side of the family can also empathize with him, gain his confidence, be supportive of his decision and intervene. As far as your in-laws are concerned I think Satchi and Cutemonster have given you good suggestion. If that does not work out, since your husband seems like a very understanding and supportive guy you could ask him to help you out. Your husband could politely maybe tell his parents that you are uncomfortable talking about this issue and if your in-laws still continue to bother you with it, you could tell them the truth that your brother is going against your family's wishes and getting married so you don't have any idea about it.

fencesitter · Aug 9, 2012

If you dont feel like supporting your brother's decision, just stay away from his life. Its ok to be estranged if the relation makes you sick. Your mother and uncles do not necessarily have to support or agree with your brother just because they agreed yours. May be they liked your husband and are not liking your brother's fiancee? Guess, elders especially your uncles must be angry that, they helped you and your brother, which is actually a very generous deed, and now your brother is disobeying them. Happens! Coming to your mother, try to figure out how best you can help. Since your husband looks like a sensible man, you can discuss with him your worries and concerns.

Foundlove · Aug 9, 2012

I don't agree with you on one point that we need to get married only if parents agreed. Then that person should not fall in love at all. It should be made clear in that family from start that marriages will be arranged or with parents consent only.
You should also consider this, your brother will spend the rest of his life with this woman , not your Uncles or Mom. So he should marry according to his choice. Otherwise 2 lives and 2 families are anyways going to be destroyed.