Lending Money To His Sister.

SadMarried · Jun 20, 2017

im here after long, been busy looking after 2 kids.

As some of you might know, my married life is just about going, no excitement, no expressing love , but its been good for past few months. Every now and then problem between me and hubby arises because of his family specially his sisters, their never ending demand and my hubby prioritizing them over me , his kids and our married life.

Last year we had big fight when he wanted to invite his sister and her hubby to Uk when i was heavy pregnant. I requested him to not invite them when im heavy pregnant as i couldnt manage with active toddler, full time job, to entertain them for 2 months. He lied to me saying they are paying for their airfare, later found out everything including air fare to their spend here and gifts to them and their family was paid by my hubby.

I wasnt happy abt it all, but cudnt stress abt them when i had babyto welcome. SO I let that go.

Now after few months yesterday we had argument again because of same sister of him.She wants quite big amount of money as loan.I would have had no problem lending her money. But i have bad experience with his another sister who borrowed money from us saying she willpay back in 6 months.Now its been 6 yrs, she doesnt talk about that money and my hubby would fight with me if i start topic of asking that money from her. I know same will happen if we lend money to his this sister. So yesterday when he mentioned it to me, i bluntly said NO and told him how he lies to me everytime when he comes to do something for his sisters and also abt that money we gave to his other sis 6 yrs ago. He was not happy, he said i m not goodwife, i always stop him from
doing anything for his family, which weboth know is not true. But i cant let him throw our hard earned money in the name of helping his sisters.He said ok for not giving money but he is not talking to me .As always i know he is going to give me silent treatment, will keep grudges of what i said and will explode time to time accusing me im bad wife who doesnt understand his family. So things like these time to time are not letting us bond emotionally.I used to cry,worry, plead for his silent treatement and anger in such situation but im not doing that anymore. I have 2 kids to manage. But his behaviour still hurts. What you guys would advice me to deal with such situation?

WiseAgnes · Jun 20, 2017

Dear OP,
From your post I failed to understand how the fact that he gives his family members money affect you and your children.
I would agree that in a marriage both partners should share the products of their labor with each other. For example, if you are a housewife, you share clean house and delicious food with him and he shares his money with you. And ideally, you should make all big financial decisions together.
In my family we have a joint account and we have our personal accounts. I don't care much how my husband spends his money as long as he pays his share of expenses for our living. But I would be mad if he started asking me how much I spend on my parents or my sister's family, let alone criticize me for it.
My point is: if he is able to cover his share of expenses like food, living, healthcare, clothes, education etc and you don't suffer directly from his financial decisions, let him spend this money on his family members the way he wishes. If he is taken advantage of by his family and he is okay with it, than this is his grown man's choice.

ashneys · Jun 20, 2017

Can understand your frustration as well as his.

Just a thought, since he is going to continue giving / spending on his family and it's gona continue to piss you off.. Is there a way you can stream line it so it can work for the 'both' of you?? Since you both are making money, and just like you may put some percentage of money for home, expenses, kids, savings, why not put a separate portion of his money for his own personal use? He can save that portion and use that money on his family or even burn it. You don't bother about that portion. At times like this uk trip, loans, gifts - he can take from that portion and not touch your main money.

If you both stick to it properly, it may stop the fights about this money issue, he will feel happy to continue to spend on his family and you won't be the villain here.

Some guys, even gals, enjoys spending on their family. Sometimes even blindly. You trying to stop everytime and talking about the past (his sis is never gona give that money) is just gona make them angry n put pressure on the relationship.

This way, he can provide in that decided limit and you can have peace that you are not losing everything. It's a compromise that you both can come to in order to stop these fights instead of putting pressure in an already struggling relationship.

Rihana · Jun 21, 2017

1. Ignore the silent treatment. With two kids and busy lives, it should be easy. He will come around.
2. Next time a money related thing comes up, just say No and keep the discussion brief. Don't bring up the past. He very well knows the reasons. Your aim is to say No and to ensure that money doesn't get sent again. That is all. Resist the urge to bring up his past huge gifts to sister(s).
3. In general, practice not losing your cool, and not getting emotional/nagging in discussion. Try to be matter of fact. You won't succeed 100%. Don't have to. But any reduction in drama, helps.

The separation of finances/money into his/her and discretionary spending etc. - is a good strategy to follow from the beginning of marriage, and when both have some faith in each other's discretion. If you start it now, it will first of all lead to more unpleasantness. And even if you get around to defining it, implementing it, things will start from a blank slate, and his part huge gifts will be "written off."

Such separation of finances is good in marriages where enforcing the agreed upon conditions does not become a full time job in itself.

SadMarried · Jun 21, 2017

Dear @WiseAgnes and @ashneys , thanks for your input. I'm not interfering on gifts he is sending for his sisters. Iphone/Ipaid/laptop etc have been sent on regular basis,his sponsored their UK tours all those are things he does no matter if i like or not , and as you said some ppl want to spend on his family luxuries , i accepted that fact to make peace. But here we are talking money they ( his one sister) borrowed in huge amount like 10lakhs requesting it for 6 months and not talking abt returning even after 6 yrs, and my hubby has no gut to ask as well. Now his another sister need same amount of money from him as loan and i know what will happen , so im objecting. and i dont think im
unreasonable.

Joint account for common expense and personal for other expense sounds fair, we should have opt for such arrangent, but it has been joint account from very first day when i didnt realize this situation would arise.

SadMarried · Jun 21, 2017

Rihana said: ↑

1. Ignore the silent treatment. With two kids and busy lives, it should be easy. He will come around.
2. Next time a money related thing comes up, just say No and keep the discussion brief. Don't bring up the past. He very well knows the reasons. Your aim is to say No and to ensure that money doesn't get sent again. That is all. Resist the urge to bring up his past huge gifts to sister(s).
3. In general, practice not losing your cool, and not getting emotional/nagging in discussion. Try to be matter of fact. You won't succeed 100%. Don't have to. But any reduction in drama, helps.

The separation of finances/money into his/her and discretionary spending etc. - is a good strategy to follow from the beginning of marriage, and when both have some faith in each other's discretion. If you start it now, it will first of all lead to more unpleasantness. And even if you get around to defining it, implementing it, things will start from a blank slate, and his part huge gifts will be "written off."

Such separation of finances is good in marriages where enforcing the agreed upon conditions does not become a full time job in itself.
Click to expand...

thanks Rihana, your advice is wonderful.
I should have just said NO instead of all the explanation and frustation i expressed to him. I just couldnt digest when he said im not good wife who stops him from helping his family. We both know thats not true, he's been doing everything he wants.

DDream · Jun 21, 2017

SadMarried said: ↑

Dear @WiseAgnes and @ashneys , thanks for your input. I'm not interfering on gifts he is sending for his sisters. Iphone/Ipaid/laptop etc have been sent on regular basis,his sponsored their UK tours all those are things he does no matter if i like or not , and as you said some ppl want to spend on his family luxuries , i accepted that fact to make peace. But here we are talking money they ( his one sister) borrowed in huge amount like 10lakhs requesting it for 6 months and not talking abt returning even after 6 yrs, and my hubby has no gut to ask as well. Now his another sister need same amount of money from him as loan and i know what will happen , so im objecting. and i dont think im
unreasonable.

Joint account for common expense and personal for other expense sounds fair, we should have opt for such arrangent, but it has been joint account from very first day when i didnt realize this situation would arise.
Click to expand...

OP, if he still proceed with his current plan, then use it as an opportunity to start your own savings/individual account while keeping joint account for common expenses.
Pl control your emotions while talking to him on these issues, be calm, to the point, talk in a clear voice, with a neutral face (no arguments as it wont help).

SGBV · Jun 21, 2017

Dear @SadMarried.

You very well know how this issue gets repeated, and how you emotionally suffer later on by spoiling your sanity, marriage, health and that of your little kids.
You also know how you can not take it for a long time; thus how you make efforts to patch this up.

All in all, your H never changes. His demanding sisters never change. And of course you too never change. So, how come you hope your life/these problems change?

Regardless of your opinion, your H will give money to his sisters. Period.
If you say yes, the money will go officially and you are notified.
If you say NO, the money will go unofficially behind your back.

So, there is no point of fighting or bringing up the past or shouting a big NO here.
Instead, you can play this game smartly to change everything to your favor.

From my past bitter experience, I've learned to be smart instead of being emotional and practical about life.

If I were you, I would say "no comments" to this matter.
This way, I can win my H and his folks heart gradually.
At least I can avoid anything negative between us.

But I wont let this continue forever.
I know my H gives money and gifts to his folks if he has more than enough in his bank/wallet.
I know his folks will never feel shame about asking.
So, the trick is to make my H empty handed. No.. no.. not in the negative way...

Now a days, I make loads of efforts to plan for our future.
Savings in different names for different purposes
Investments on anything that comes attractive
Luxuries to ourselves. Vacations, branded cars etc
Comfortable life style
I make these choices based on my H's tastes. So that he makes some effort to participate.
Eg: When it comes to vacations, I chose to his fav destinations, hotels etc.. and encourage him to pay and enjoy the time with us.
We eat out frequently and most of the times I make him to chose the place.

This way, he eagerly participates, loves to spend money and this helps us to have a great bonding as family.
We wouldn't have bonded like this had I chosen to crib about the financial abuse our PILs did to us in the past.

Now that, his income is already committed to be spent. Only a few $ left for emergency or any kind of urgency.
Although he has a big heart to support to his folks, he has very limited $ left to do that.

PILs are our responsibility and their luxuries and dreams should be taken cared by us. I agree.
But when it comes to BILs, cousin SILs, his friends etc..etc... it is too much.

Since he has said NO for a few times now, these people have stopped contacting us. Perhaps they have found another money machine elsewhere, or given up from us.

Whatsoever, we have a good saving, and more importantly my H is proud about this now.

Sandycandy · Jun 21, 2017

What do your SIL's need the money for ? Do they and their spouses work ? I am ok lending money if it is used to take care of health issues or other such emergencies. But I strongly believe that one should take a vacation only if they can afford it , not at the cost of others hard earned money.
Since the handling of finances is a sore point between you and the husband , I would not harp on it too much. Like few people here recommend , you should get our own account in addition to a joint one. Also invest any extra liquid cash into retirement plans / 529 plans etc.However do this tactfully without mentioning his family or his spending habits . With two kids, shouldn't you be saving / investing money anyways ?

SadMarried · Jun 21, 2017

SGBV said: ↑

Dear @SadMarried.

You very well know how this issue gets repeated, and how you emotionally suffer later on by spoiling your sanity, marriage, health and that of your little kids.
You also know how you can not take it for a long time; thus how you make efforts to patch this up.

All in all, your H never changes. His demanding sisters never change. And of course you too never change. So, how come you hope your life/these problems change?

Regardless of your opinion, your H will give money to his sisters. Period.
If you say yes, the money will go officially and you are notified.
If you say NO, the money will go unofficially behind your back.

So, there is no point of fighting or bringing up the past or shouting a big NO here.
Instead, you can play this game smartly to change everything to your favor.

From my past bitter experience, I've learned to be smart instead of being emotional and practical about life.

If I were you, I would say "no comments" to this matter.
This way, I can win my H and his folks heart gradually.
At least I can avoid anything negative between us.

But I wont let this continue forever.
I know my H gives money and gifts to his folks if he has more than enough in his bank/wallet.
I know his folks will never feel shame about asking.
So, the trick is to make my H empty handed. No.. no.. not in the negative way...

Now a days, I make loads of efforts to plan for our future.
Savings in different names for different purposes
Investments on anything that comes attractive
Luxuries to ourselves. Vacations, branded cars etc
Comfortable life style
I make these choices based on my H's tastes. So that he makes some effort to participate.
Eg: When it comes to vacations, I chose to his fav destinations, hotels etc.. and encourage him to pay and enjoy the time with us.
We eat out frequently and most of the times I make him to chose the place.

This way, he eagerly participates, loves to spend money and this helps us to have a great bonding as family.
We wouldn't have bonded like this had I chosen to crib about the financial abuse our PILs did to us in the past.

Now that, his income is already committed to be spent. Only a few $ left for emergency or any kind of urgency.
Although he has a big heart to support to his folks, he has very limited $ left to do that.

PILs are our responsibility and their luxuries and dreams should be taken cared by us. I agree.
But when it comes to BILs, cousin SILs, his friends etc..etc... it is too much.

Since he has said NO for a few times now, these people have stopped contacting us. Perhaps they have found another money machine elsewhere, or given up from us.

Whatsoever, we have a good saving, and more importantly my H is proud about this now.
Click to expand...

Dear SGBV, your advice is appreciated as always.

Even if we separate finance, we will always have some savings left for emergency etc and he wouldnt hesitate to give out last penny we have. At this moment we have remortgaged our house and took some money out to pay deposit of another house. So basically that money is also a loan, but he was thinking of giving his sister that money.

i have tried pleasing him saying to the expensive gifts etc to his sisters and their kids but i cant let him spend 10 lakh of our investment momey in the name of loan/help. Feels like being bitter to him in such request is the only way. Last time i said ok when he wanted to give same amount of money to his another sister just to avoid fight, silent treatment etc, but this keeps repeating.
This time he didnt like when i said Blunt No when he asked me about giving money to his sister. He is not talking to me anymore and will do so for some time and also blame me later i know. But sometimes since he never understands my point, always priotoze his sisters and their kids over me and my kids, i dont feel the need to make him happy. I somehow am accepting the fact i have succeded in many aspects of my life, but not in married life. I feel so sad when i see happy couple wishing i had some life and understanding hubby.But may be its not meant to be. I have 6 months old and 3 yrs old, i need to wait until they grow up, i regain my confidence physically, financially and emotionally ,then i need to either think about living independently or just learn to live with him like this. I wish i can find a way to change him.

about commiting his money on expensive holidays, cars etc, for whatevrr we spend, we will always have some savings left, which will he available for him to make his greedy sisters happy.