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Left Flabbergasted....

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shama146, Sep 21, 2019.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    I felt and expressed sufficient outrage at the horror in the video before asking the two questions in the post. We can call the man names and ask many wide-ranging questions about the practice of dowry. I was thinking out loud about the specifics of cases where the woman's parents willingly enough (agree to) give the dowry, the woman is fine with marrying a man who knows his parents have taken dowry. If the woman's parents do not keep their promise, then what was the question.
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    What is the guarantee that the woman 's marriage will be fairly good if given dowry in one go?

    We don't know if the said dowry was given or the demands increased after marriage.

    A lot of the times new demands are made after marriage because making those demands before marriage would make the girl's parents back off from marriage.

    A lot of the times greed increases after seeing the leftover wealth of the girl's parents....like he is still earning,he can give more.
    We settled for less.
    He bought a new car? Why ? Why couldn't he give it to his son in law?

    There is no limit to greed and greedy people.
     
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Sorry ym.. your questions are valid but I was talking about the specific case where both sides agree to a monetary transaction and one side doesn't keep their word.

    I am kind of done with this.. hope the publicity helps the woman. Moving on...

    It looked like both the DIL and the MIL in the video are wearing nighties. Not keen to watch again to confirm.. but if so, it makes the entire thing even weirder.

    One very repulsive part was the FIL putting on his shirt towards the end with a "job done" air about him. :anguished:
     
  4. rachaputi

    rachaputi Platinum IL'ite

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    So, if an uneducated woman can have excuse to be beaten if not met dowry promises?

    A relationship is not about money. They might had given or not, it is inhuman.Can she thrash him back once she cleared the debt?

    Omg! This woman wants to go back for kids and expecting this rascal to be changed? Wtf kind of unrealistic ideology. While she got the guts to atleast comeout now, can't she raise them or is it tougher than this phase?

    She needs counselling than those B****ds
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    But Ri ...no one knows what was promised and given.
    There is no guarantee more would not be asked...any excuse is good,festival,birthdays ,anniversaries,birth of children are all good excuses for greedy monsters to open their mouths.

    More than the nighties,I am shocked at the audacity of doing all this with full knowledge that there were cctv cameras in the house.
    This is how sure they were of getting away with it.

    They had it all planned...to declare her insane.
    Thank God the doctor at the hospital had better ethics.

    There is a good grounds for the fil to be charged with molestation. Made me nauseous.
     
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  6. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    It is because she believes, (has been made to believe) that she has no place should she chose to leave her husband's place after marriage.
    In that case, no one wants to be homeless or status-less in a community that ill treat such people.
    She believes strongly that frying in the pan is much better than falling in the fire.
    She is not alone in our part of the world to be shocked about this. There are plenty, unfortunately many homes don't have CCTV.

    First of all giving and accepting dowry is an offence in India. Even then, I see a lot of dowry is exchanged in every marriage.
    Perhaps well educated women from upper middle class or upper class families that live in the US may not know this. But it doesn't mean there is no dowry issue. It only means, these so called species have no idea about the real society of their origin.
    In general, dowry laws are just like any other criminal laws. They are there, but all kinds of criminal offence like rape, murder etc..etc.. take place where they have always been taking place.
    Just that, some people are selectively blind and doesn't wanna relate to something that is unrelated to them; hence questioning!

    If someone accepts to give dowry, that too beyond their ability/capacity means they are intimidated to do so... Not just by the groom's family, but also by their society that eventually let their girl stay unmarried forever.
    No one would obey these laws when there are so many girls stay unmarried, and pass "marriageable age" in a society just because of their inability to give dowry.. That too in a society that thinks staying unmarried is a curse.
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2019
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    If the above means that I don't know enough about the dowry system and related laws or how it is practiced in India, then.. no... I am very familiar with the system especially as it is practiced in south India. I have many friends (men and women) who gave/took dowry and seem to be happily married ... It used to amaze me how it figures even in love marriages. Often the young couple engage in the practice only to the extent of not interfering in the negotiations parents are having. Sometimes, the man gave back the woman's side all or part of the dowry over the years. : ) It's complicated. And often hard to explain to people who haven't seen the system practiced all their life. I had to stop my DH a few times from his "Dude, how could you...." questions to our dowry-taker friends. : )

    Not making light of the cctv woman's case or condoning the practice.. but it's complicated. Just like women who want a share in the parents' property without contributing to the care of parents, there are women who don't get any share in the property after parents pass away unless they got it as dowry. This is the most common argument in favor of dowry.

    Anyway.. it has been hashed over in IL many times....
     
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  8. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    In a culture, dowry is practiced for ages, it guarantees a decent marriage (at least no trouble in relations to dowry).
    Both man and woman and both sets of parents are happy that they have practiced something they have been doing for ages.
    Eg: Like tying mangalsutra. Even if that doesn't guarantee anything of a happy/stable marriage on its face value, one can assure that rebelling against this custom can definitely create problems. Specially if the husband's side (the more powerful side of this equation) is not convinced. But going with the flow, if both parties practice whatever the custom, it gives less pressure to the bride & groom.

    I have personally seen many marriages, including my parents' and in laws' marriages that went really well (leave the other issues unrelated to dowry matters) after giving dowry as promised at one go.
    Even my BILs and cousins do fine with that.
    But only my marriage went at the verge of separation because of the key fact that I refused to give dowry. PILs calculated the heavy loss, and they were not ready to cope with this. It was like a severe business loss to them.
    They wanted to gain whatever they have lost in their son's marriage market by re-marrying him to someone else with a dowry. That's why they played all the games to separate us on every ground.
    Now resorting to BM (leave alone the authenticity of this topic here) was also their final attempt, because they could not easily separate us as planned.
    Had I given the dowry (whatever they expected, and I was capable of giving), these souls would have been lived in peace and let us live too.
    Because they seriously don't understand these laws, and reasoning against dowry. Specially when every X and Y are ready to give dowry, why would someone chose Z without dowry?
    And a cheap class person can never think classy.... So, we can't expect everyone to act generous and classy in this regard.
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Nothing about you @Rihana
    But, many such practices of India (specially south India) that I as a foreigner is very familiar with, but going through these forums, I think many Indian ladies of the above classifications are unaware of. Such is the diversity of India!
     
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  10. dhivyacc

    dhivyacc Silver IL'ite

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    my FIL, use to say the below statements:

    Such a polished words. I don't know how these boys were so silent, and after that how they happily approach the girl in day to day.


    'Unga magal'uku ninga seiringa.

    Ninga tha 'kuriparinju' seiyanum.

    Naanga ivlo podunga seinga nu demand pannave illa. -- This from my spouse. He never ever...helped financially for me for my parents(its impossible to expect even in sick days wont visit too.), never spent a small amount too.. but will lavishly spend both time and money for his parents and siblings.


    I have two boys , day to day am thinking about these only , will my DIL live peacefully. or the so called traditions and customs will come and play.

    Now itself my sons saying Ma, be quiet or else appa will start to misbehave which we cannot tolerate. They cant speak now because they are small and they were not able to tolerate the pain while his dad beats.

    But will the same behavior continue.. Am really afraid..

    Actually do you really think all women who undergo the trauma (in any shape) can come out such easily ?
    Also our indian society feels and thinks that the marriage can be fixed at any point. the girl and family has to tolerate.

    My FIL said once - Ena ipdi pesaringa... Ponna pethavanga na konjam poruthu than poganum.... actually my dad is Ex-Army - He dint even speak.

    After my bangles function, before leaving home, they arranged for a small talk -about what are the misses your daughter did during this 9 months and the father is questioned - by elder son of FIL.

    When my dad asked , why are you questioning me - they said he is in-charge of my family and he has authority.

    What i mentioned are some small examples.

    That day all my relatives cursed that family and advised me after baby all will be alright.

    But all we did is let Karma take care. It really took care in uglier way.

    I pray God that, that girl should have the guts to come out of that relationship and live a peaceful life, but being in middle-upper class family, they cant - society will not agree. The words will hurt the girl and her parents and for that she will go and try to live, that s what I think.


    indian wedding -that too arranged ones are - viewed as parents hard work and event they wait for so long and for that only they spent their full life also, so a-tleast through some means the parents think that the marriage will work.
     
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