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Lack of Intimacy - So worried - Please help me

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by helphelp416, Feb 23, 2016.

  1. Feb 23, 2016 #1
    helphelp416

    helphelp416 New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    We have been married since 11 years. We have 2 kids - My older one is 7 years and my younger is 3 years. After my older one we went through some issues with my kids health and at the same time we had our in laws and of course had some issues with them also and like this gap extended way long between us since these 7 years..

    I don't even know how we got our second kid having a relation ship once in couple of months.. He lost all his interest and when ever i ask for he say he doesn't like to get along with me as i was argue with him and i didn't respect his Mom.. I told him that apologized his mom and she and me are fine since these years...Its only we are staying away..I keep telling him that he is the only one to whom i can show my tiredness and frustration at times and that is normal in a family...I use to be very quite before we had our kid...but after kid with issues of my kids health and my in laws, i was showing my anger with my H,,,,I always tell him its normal and We have to adjust and get back and we should not stay away for months like this...

    Am feeling so bad and i Believe only if we have some kind of physical contact all these issues wouldn't sound big and staying away for months is not good..Please let me know how to build back our togetherness of love life...
     
    helphelp416, Feb 23, 2016
    helphelp416, Feb 23, 2016
    #1
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  2. Feb 24, 2016 #2
    vani098

    vani098 IL Hall of Fame

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    All the best dear surely he will understand u .

    Not in phone. Talk to him face to face ask him that u wanna talk in personal. Talk n make all your problems cleared. Really it is not good being far for months yar.

    Really I putty u.


    When u meet him. Make him remember all u'r living days n memories.
    Make him understand.

    If u talk on phone nthg will happen maa. Plan plan.

    All the best for future
     
    vani098, Feb 24, 2016
    vani098, Feb 24, 2016
    #2
  3. Feb 24, 2016 #3
    helphelp416

    helphelp416 New IL'ite

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    We both are staying together only :(...Just pretending before the society and kids but not really....

    He will take care of everything with respect to kids...And I will take care of everything too with respective to kids and him but we wont have the family life...

    This is what worries me alot!!!
     
    helphelp416, Feb 24, 2016
    helphelp416, Feb 24, 2016
    #3
  4. Feb 24, 2016 #4
    bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    are you worried he may be up to something?
     
    bruised234, Feb 24, 2016
    bruised234, Feb 24, 2016
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  5. Feb 24, 2016 #5
    helphelp416

    helphelp416 New IL'ite

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    He just developed some negative feelings on me that I argued in the past with him and had some bad time with his Mom...Other than this he is not into anything...Am very sure...

    I want him to spend family life with me...Instead of staying months physically apart...And doing so I only think gap increases.. And he will continue thinking am bad as with kids some or the other argument comes in between and I can not stay quite all the time...Even am trying to be quite but at times I show my frustrations being totally tired in office and at home...
     
    helphelp416, Feb 24, 2016
    helphelp416, Feb 24, 2016
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  6. Feb 24, 2016 #6
    helphelp416

    helphelp416 New IL'ite

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    And also as I want to cuddle him and at least rest with him which he wouldn't show interest I am spending most of the nights alone crying and fall asleep. He would come sometime later to bed and I dint even know when he would be sleeping..

    I tried to hold my sleep till he comes but still no use..He comes and sleeps... And even when we meet physically once in couple of months its me always going to him...He say he don't like coming to me as he don't like me arguing and that will not allow him to spend time with me...

    And with this am developing hatred on him as I have to stay away fro months with out any intimacy...And this in turn turns to anger...I told him many times that we are arguing for simple reasons...And its all due to lack of proper intimacy...

    If we are good cuddling and spending some time then all this will not happen and even at times i show my anger on kids as i cannot argue with him on this point...

    Feeling so bad on how to make him understand... :(
     
    helphelp416, Feb 24, 2016
    helphelp416, Feb 24, 2016
    #6
  7. Feb 24, 2016 #7
    bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    First of all stop showing anger on the kids. Try to be nice with them and him as much as possible. Talk to him in person. He cannot blackmail you because of arguments you had in the past. Maybe there are deeper issues that you are not seeing. How about spying on him if possible? Don't confront him directly but keep a watch on his movements to see if something is wrong and accordingly take steps. Until you get something that is incriminating, do not confront him. Don't look desperate. That will make it worse.
     
    bruised234, Feb 24, 2016
    bruised234, Feb 24, 2016
    #7
  8. Feb 24, 2016 #8
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Looks like he is staying away due to the arguments, and you are saying that if there is intimacy the arguments will be less or gone.

    Also, from the above quoted parts, it looks like you have accepted, and want him to accept, that you will be tired, frustrated due to office, home, kids, and he is the only one to whom you can show your frustration, and you also seem to think showing anger on kids is excusable as a routine. At least that is what I gathered.

    I won't say whether the above is wrong or right, but, it is not going to get you what you are after.

    Do whatever it takes to cut down on your frustration, tiredness. Be a pleasant person to have around. You don't have to overdo it like cooking more, cleaning more, maintaining a cheerful home etc., just have a mostly happy face. A person who is happy inside out is hard to resist. Try a little lightness in attitude. At 7 and 3, kids are getting in that age when they are more manageable. Good time to focus some time and effort on the marriage.

    If you insist that he also should focus, and focus like you say, and you keep looking for that shortcut to intimacy and emotional connection and family time which you think will fix the rest of the problems, it is not going to happen.

    Don't think of making yourself a happy person to have around as an unreasonable expectation and unfair. It is something you are doing to achieve something you care a lot about.

    "Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn you attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulders." ~ Thoreau

    What you are seeking is a form of happiness. So, stop chasing it. Once things are more back to normal, you will have the luxury of once in a while losing your temper and showing your frustration.
     
    Rihana, Feb 24, 2016
    Rihana, Feb 24, 2016
    #8
    1 person likes this.

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