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Lack Of Connection

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by overthinker, Feb 12, 2017.

  1. overthinker

    overthinker New IL'ite

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    Very interesting to know!

    Let's say I feel a strong attraction towards a girl and she feels the same way about me. Even in that case it might be a dud? On the other hand I might not feel any spark towards a girl and yet things might work out? Is that what you are saying YM? If that is the case then I have to rethink my approach.

    The girls I was talking to previously wanted to know every single aspect about me. They were really interested. But I was not that keen on them. This girl seems very circumspect. She is not very eager to share about herself. I asked her why she wasn't talking that much with me. She told me that I was also not talking that much with her (which is true).

    I have no idea if she is thinking this way. I feel she is more eager for a commitment than opening up to get to know me.
     
  2. Titali

    Titali New IL'ite

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    I would trust a person who takes the time to think and then connect rather than who connects spontaneously by: No 1..Not even seen you. No2: the only thing she knows about you is that you work for a really good company in the US. Go with what your gut:)
     
  3. overthinker

    overthinker New IL'ite

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    She saw my pics. We did video chatting via Skype. She asked for more pics and adding on facebook, instagram etc.
     
  4. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 Finest Post Winner

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    OP, I think you need to travel to India and spend some time with her. Most girls are not open with their fiancee before marriage in an arranged marriage setting, although they may be more friendly and open to their male friends. It is just the way we are wired. So I wouldn't read too much into her behavior.

    After marriage, a lot of realities changes the priorities. Settling into a new apartment, buying furniture, groceries, updating bank accounts, getting driving license etc. So the conversation and focus changes. Don't expect your spouse to be romantic throughout the day. Remember, the girl is leaving her family, friends, house and will be missing them as well. These realities doesn't change irrespective of the type of girl (extrovert or introvert).

    I think the confusion arises in you if you think about multiple options (girls). As with anything in life, if we think about multiple options, we always get confused. Remember there are always pros and cons in every options and no option is perfect. Just look at the mirror. Are you perfect? Focus on one at a time and see if you both are compatible. There is a reason why people say marry a person who loves you than marry a person you love.

    There are many permutations and combinations which have yielded different results so there is no set formula for success in marriage. Just look at celebrity marriages. The dream hero of many marries a dream heroine of many yet their marriage ends up in divorce. While a dream hero or dream heroine marrying a normal person and the marriage lasting long. There are also examples of a dream hero of many marrying a dream heroine of many and the marriage is a success.
     
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  5. madras2018

    madras2018 Finest Post Winner

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    Valid. This could be one way to give it one more try.

    The part of "Most girls" is not true. It may apply to some girls. These days many girls and guys in their 20s and 30s fall in a heady state of "love" in the getting to know stage of arranged marriage.

    This isnt the 80s/90s or even noughties. If the girl isnt going to open up over phone or even in person then what is the basis for the guy to take a leap of faith for matrimony ? At what point would you suggest that the guy decide that enough effort has been spent to know that it isnt going to change very much ? At some point one has to decide with the information on hand. If he makes assumptions and excuses on his own for her behavior, there is a strong chance he might have a rude awakening to reality.

    Assuming the two have spoken over phone 3-4 times and met 3-4 times, one should be able to tell if there is mutual attraction or not. If there is a natural camaraderie or not. Continously digging for the missing X factor will not cause it to suddenly appear when there is none to begin with.
     
  6. Elsa

    Elsa Gold IL'ite

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    Nothing is gauranteed when it comes to arranged marriages.

    Even if the girls talks well for hours and hours on phone, she might just be talking for the sake of it without really committing totally to the relationship. She might go away if she finds a better alliance.

    And even though she takes time to open up and waits till marriage to talk properly, she might make the best wife possible.

    So, unless you live together for a few months after marriage, you wouldnt realize.

    Go by your gut feeling, do not assess the girl by just talking to her a few times. Do your checks/ verifications if you can, through your connections.
     
  7. venkiis

    venkiis Senior IL'ite

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    true. Females have peer pressure from their moms to not show ego or their preferences before marriage . After marriage when that dream world is over then they complain sometimes here online or family fights.

    it is not much different for men too so i wont be judgmentmental.

    and BTW nothing much is different in Love marriages unless you have lived together.
     
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    If both like each other and feel attracted to each other that is a big plus....but it is still a gamble.

    OP, you are expecting too much from a girl you have not shown any commitment.You both have not even met .If you like her...make the effort to meet up .

    I don't know how this looking at many girls /boys works .
    I got married more than two decades back (through family friends)and those days it was not okay to talk with one and see others too. If I knew my would be guy was looking at others too....we would not be married. am pretty sure he would feel so too.
     
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  9. JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

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    Overthinker,

    It looks like you both have weighed in your options and have found atleast compatibility at a social backgroud level for now, and you both find yourself like-able. This is the place you say OK to go for engagement to elders as it is arranged marriage

    Most of us girls are instructed to be very cautious and NOT to let our heart go till we are married. That line has been stretched more to the level of "till engagement" atleast in my circles. I hail from a conservative background but with a more open outlook. While my parents wouldnt frown upon a girl who spends hours over the phone with fiance, they might definitely frown upon a girl who spends hours over "some" guy.

    Point am trying to make is, she could be holding back to ensure her emotions are in check. In arranged marriages "missing one another" mostly happens after engagement.

    Just my 2 cents...

    Cheers,
    JM
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2017
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  10. overthinker

    overthinker New IL'ite

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    Update!

    I found a new girl who works in the same company as me. She is really talkative and I think she likes me and I think I will like her if I spend more time with her. She mentioned that I seem to be a silent type. So, I was also responsible for creating lack of connection with the other girl.

    I am going to spend some time with this girl and will decide. It's too risky to commit with the other girl. The only problem is the girl I am currently seeing is very organized and is a clean freak. I am very disorganized and messy. I always avoid clean freak roommates because it will always create problems/tension.

    Thanks for commenting. I read each and every reply. Appreciate it.
     

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