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Lack Of Connection

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by overthinker, Feb 12, 2017.

  1. bron

    bron Silver IL'ite

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  2. tulip07

    tulip07 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi OP!

    In my opinion, you should also keep exploring other options (since you're having an arranged marriage) besides this girl you are speaking to. It may be that you find a better click with someone else, who knows! I am not really sure how the arranged marriage thing works (as I had a love marriage), in terms of talking to one girl at one time? Arranged marriages are risky, well so are love marriages, but the risk becomes quite higher in an arranged marriage when you are not living in the same cities (in your case, even different countries).

    I would suggest following your heart and not just give in to this alliance because of your family backgrounds, etc. You must feel a connection with the person before you marry her, instead of regretting your decision later on. Good luck!
     
  3. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Your post strongly reminded me of my sister. Right now my sister lives alone- she has school/ work and few friends and colleagues who she hangs out. It just doesn't occur to my sis to talk at least once a day with mom/ me- just to check in or say 'hi'.
    She is not the super chilled type, she is more or less "when around you, absolutely sweet" otherwise she is "out of sight our of mind". She doesn't really call my mom, me or my family. She says hello on weekends when she is free. People around her know this. We have tried to change her behavior but-- no she won't change. It's who she is.

    My point is-- 1.the girl you are talking to won't change. She may be making an extra effort to talk to you often. But at some point this extra effort will definitely become forced.
    2. If she is a super chilled type. You have a choice to either accept her for who she is or date another girl who will reciprocate on the same level of enthusiasm in communication.
    3. Are you sure the girl you are talking to and you are exclusive? If you both haven't made it clear- she may just be talking to few other men from the matrimony website.
     
  4. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Gold IL'ite

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    Considering that I am the "chill", "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" type of girl, I still think it's really important that you need to find something to connect on. Share your day, your future plans, a funny story you read or heard, a good/bad movie, to help break the ice. Once it's not so mechanical, it would be easier for her to be connected to you and respond the way you want her to.

    I also find that, if you can create a friendship, you have far more chances of a successful marriage. So, for now, don't think of her as your future wife or your girlfriend. She's just a person you want to get to know more about and make happy. If you want to surprise her, you can send her flowers (anything is possible with the internet)

    If, after all this, you still cannot connect, you may want to reconsider the match, or delay the marriage.
     
    Lathasv likes this.
  5. overthinker

    overthinker New IL'ite

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    Definitely timezone difficulties are there. When she is awake I am at work. When she is at work its late for me. So, we only really talk/chat during the weekends. It's not that she is avoiding me. It's just that there is nothing much to say between us.

    This is exactly what I am hoping for. That if I just commit first maybe things will improve down the line with time.

    I asked her about her personality.
    She told me that she is:
    1. Extroverted
    2. Very Talkative (Only not with me I guess)
    She is telling me that we just started talking and things will improve with time. She thinks I am very strict (not easy going) type.
     
  6. overthinker

    overthinker New IL'ite

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    I am pretty introverted actually. I really don't need that much contact. I won't be able to handle a possessive type who wants me to be attached to her hip and be around her always. Apart from my regular 9 to 5 job, I also have a venture I am trying to succeed in. I love reading books, meditating, skiing, rock climbing and hitting the gym. So, I need plenty of space and time for myself. What I want is someone who cares about me a bit and genuinely likes me. I don't want a roommate. I don't want a few kids followed by living like brother and sister for the rest of my life. I don't want to be used.

    The real item for me is the physical intimacy. If she doesn't genuinely like me or likes me for other reasons and there is no connection then I will feel neglected/taken advantage of.

    I wasn't testing her. I genuinely lost interest in her, put her on the backburner and moved on. Then I realized she blocked me on facebook. I just messaged her on whatsapp as a last attempt. She asked me why I haven't been in touch with her. That it was a long time since we got in touch and asked me how I was.


    She was more eager and became a bit more chatty after that.
     
  7. overthinker

    overthinker New IL'ite

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    Yeah, this is my line of thinking too. She wants commitment from me and keeps asking me when I am coming to India to see her but I am not sure if she will develop feelings for me after marriage.
    I have already explored other options and I am talking to other girls as well. I just want this to work
    I don't mind it if she is like your sister. In-fact I prefer it. What I don't want is someone who doesn't really like me but is compromising for me as I am pretty sure it will lead to a dead bed room type situation.
     
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Active bedroom type situation is never a surety with arranged marriages.
    The most sexy ,fun person can be a dud in bed.The most boring kinds can light up in bed.Of course...sometimes what you see is what you get.You can't try out before marriage in most cases.
    It is a big gamble .
     
  9. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

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    I would say trust your instinct . from a woman's perspective , when a woman really likes a man , she wants to know more about him . Rather than length ,of your conversation , see th content . Does she ask about your life , your childhood , your family , your likes dislikes etc... is she eager to share about herself and her life with you ? After a bad day at work, are you the person she calls up and vents to.? Does she want her friends and family to know you and vice versa . ?
     
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  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    What if she is thinking this way about you? I wonder if she thinks this guy may still be talking to other girls. He still hasn't zeroed in on me and I should be on my guard. He maybe having a first choice and I maybe the backup plan. With all these online profiles, you have no idea how many people the prospective groom is in touch with.
    It's kind of like the chicken and egg problem. She wants you to go to show your interest and commitment and you want her to open up for the same. I would say give it some time and if things don't improve, move on.

    Fwiw, I didn't say anything remotely interesting to my fiancé on the phone. The first real conversation was after marriage(didn't see each other until then). I was afraid that if for some reason the wedding got called off I would be heart broken for life. He was such a handsome guy that I felt too insecure to even try and form a bond until after the marriage. I wish I had the fun before wedding times. It's something that both of us missed out on, thanks to our arranged marriage. Things turned out very well but I encourage all my nieces and nephews to go out together, get to know one another and form some sort of a mutual bond before the wedding. That's so much fun - be it a love marriage or an arranged one. It can't be done on the phone. That's the bane of living in different countries. Even if it isn't this girl, it's always good to meet in person before the dil lena dena. I hope you find someone local!
     
    yellowmango and blissofmylife like this.

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