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Lack Of Connection

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by overthinker, Feb 12, 2017.

  1. overthinker

    overthinker New IL'ite

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    I am talking to a girl from India. We don't seem to have a good connection. When we talk there are long awkward silences. Absolutely no spontaneity. She wants to marry me out of her own free will (I work in a really good company in the US). I want to marry her too (She is good looking and smart). But I want someone who anticipates my calls and is eager to keep texting/calling with me. I asked her if her parents are forcing her and she said no.

    She told me she is lazy/easy going type who takes things easily. So, she is very casual about making calls to me. I gave up on her and finally texted her after a gap of 1 week. She seems more eager and is talking more now.

    If we decide to get married will the connection improve with time. I want someone who will miss me when I am not there and is affectionate and caring type. This girl seems to be super chill. I don't know if she doesn't like me but wants to marry me or it is just her personality.

    I keep reading about people having hours and hours of phone conversations before finally deciding to say yes and marry. Is that what I should be looking for?
     
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  2. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Could it be that there are ppl around her when you call and hence she is not opening up? Timezone difficulties may be?
    Or did any alliance got cancelled before because of which she wants to proceed with caution? Or is she talking to more than one person in the direction of marriage?
    I would assume too that the newly introduced ppl serious about marriage dont leave any opportunity to talk/text. With the way tech is advancing the barriers should be less...
     
  3. dc24

    dc24 Gold IL'ite

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    A point to be noticed: Our parents and grandparents didn't have phones at their disposal...hardly met or just met once before marriage (at the time of fixing the match) but still they had successful marriages and were happy together till death played its role.
    Current scenario: Mobile phones...24*7 online...Facebook..etc etc, but divorce increasing at an alarming rate.
    By saying this I don't intend to demean the benefits of technology...but...honestly speaking...hours n hours of talking over phone doesn't guarantee a happy marriage life.
    Had this been the case...all live-in couples would eventually get married but this is not so. Most of them separate and marry someone else.
    Of course..talk to her. Try to understand her personality, her tastes and inclinations, her upbringing and family values...but just not solely depend on hours n hours of chatting. Instead, try to make most out of a meaningful conversation.
     
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  4. Nonya

    Nonya Gold IL'ite

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    The "Could it be that...." phrase can be completed in hundreds of ways.
    The girl in India is circumspect. And that is the right attitude when it comes to arranged marriages. Especially "with the way tech is advancing" communication has to be more cautious, especially among yet-unmet strangers, with vested interests in one another.
     
    KashmirFlower, Meet9 and yellowmango like this.
  5. bron

    bron Silver IL'ite

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    trust me indin talk a lot or text with my hubby a lot during courtship period..he will show more enthusiasm to talk with me and call me 2 times but i wont feel like talking more ..infact inliked to spend time with my friends and family that time a lot..he was even scared like no connection..but after marraige i talk a lot and he doesnt talk much..amd during fights he totally goes to offline mode and will not even talk for 10 days and i will miss him diring that time ..but he wont miss me..the same me who dint miss him before marraige miss him a lot when he doesnt speak these days..the same him who calls me up daily 2 times and speak for hours before marraige can go to silent mode even for 10 days if he wishes..but thats just us..u need to open up to her and confront..may be this is just her or something deeper issues too..trust ur insticts
     
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  6. guesshoo

    guesshoo Finest Post Winner

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    You need to accept the person as she is. Can you? Do you really want a dramatic, possessive type over a practical, secure one? Is it a deal breaker? Would you be prone to testing her in a juvenile manner as you did - not being in touch for a week just to see what she'd do? If yes, you better back off from this one and not mess with this girl.

    Many, many years ago when my husband and I started seeing each other he used to wish I were clingy and missed him more. I would prioritise him but would always have and plan b going with friends if he were unavailable. It's just not in me to sit and do mope about even if I missed someone. I make the best of what's around me. That upset him but thats all he got. And this is a love marriage scenario. I still can't do the drama bit after all these years and i must say my husband is thankful for the good times and the space he gets.

    In an arranged marriage, it is wise to be pragmatic - no point giving the heart away and moping about every person one talks to. Thats highly impractical. Let's face it - until there is a level of commitment, there's nothing special about either one of you for the other.

    When she moves away from home she will miss it but thas entirely different. Perhaps once she knows you and knows you are reliable for the long haul, her attitude might change. Or she just might remain the same chilled out girl.

    Moving away from the helpless, cinematic girl fantasy would help you make a better decision.
     
    yellowmango likes this.
  7. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

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    Go with what your gut instinct says. I agree with all of the above posters as to why the girl would be chatting less. See if you are ok with her easy going attitude bcos if you are not the same type you will find it difficult later on.
     
  8. Nonya

    Nonya Gold IL'ite

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    Nothing special about Indians. Everybody knows that "you don't have to run after you catch the bus".
    It works the same in any culture. Indian or forin.

    In the case of the OP's girl, she doesn't know if that distant bus is the one that can go to her destination.
     
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  9. madras2018

    madras2018 Finest Post Winner

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    This is my advice from practical experience - the idea of having a connection, enjoying conversations, having conversations flow smoothly is NOT a myth. This definitely happens and may be unimportant for people who dont have such needs for connection.

    Yes in today's times with plentiful modes of communication available, a person has no excuse to be uncommunicative. This leads us to the conclusion that it is their personality type to be super chill, have less need to talk or express themselves to their future partner etc.

    Long distance arranged marriage in my opinion comed inbuilt with a huge risk. My ex and i cld talk comfortably over phone fot 45 mins but had no in person chemistry. Also he was this super chill type - had no desire or anticipation or that early stage excitement. He would be fine talking once in 2 weeks or once a week. Despite my requests we connect more often there was no improvement. As i was a vivacious person full of cheer, this dampner slowly killed my feelings and spirit. After marriage i realized that my hunch was right after all - that coldness or aloofness was an early sign of bigger issues. In other words marriage usually magnifies issues you notice early on.

    You cant force chemistry, spontaneity, longing and natural enjoyment of each other's company. So try to see if things improve for a few weeks. If it doesnt my sincere advice is, better not risk it. Please move on unless you want to look like the picture perfect couple but who have no chemistry outside the photo frame.
     
  10. Desiindian

    Desiindian Bronze IL'ite

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    OP, Your post made me remember my before marriage days. My husband used to tell me the samething, why you don`t talk more, you simply keep saying hmm, not atall talking for long time, blah blah blah. We were silent while chatting over the phone or in person, though my dh a good chatter type. The most chatted word was THEN or APORAM. Now, we chat on every topic. Many times, my husband had told me this, why don`t you be just as quiet as before. So things will not be same after marriage. Even your expectation may change.
     
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