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Kindly Pour In Your Advises Or Expereinces , Very Badly In Need

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rose03, Feb 13, 2019.

  1. Rose03

    Rose03 Junior IL'ite

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    Hi ,

    I have shared my post long ago here like me being the eldest at home , we are 4 sibling 3 girls and a boy. we belong to upper middle class family from the metro city india .we are brought up in a very traditional approach like love marriage is a sin and parents will never accept it and fear of society having good respected family in the society like a brand. all good until we finished our degrees and got placed in top MNC in india . pressure for my parents started , when they had to start searching alliances for me as were two girls following me. so if i got married late, their marriages would be late too . and then father passed away and had the pressure to get my marriage in a year. alliance found and got married. later found that boy education what he said was wrong ( actual education: second education ) . my mother basically very silent and working hard ( although we live in city and richer than boy( he had no assets then ) my husband and his family all planned took advantage of situation and when we got to know that later I was shocked again , now married whether you like it or not u have to live in.. I have started earning coming to different country , where i didnt know about his job also ( neither my single mom asked not i didnt ask because girls should never question boys) my husband is such manipulative guy ( my upbringing is very different and found it very difficult to adjust ,I became mad sometimes looking at this manipulations and his family demanding) fast forward now he lives on his own , for the name sake we both are staying in home and have a kid too. all my daughter expenses and my expenses I take care... some time he supports for paying her enrichment classes. he likes my daughter and take good care of her. he cooks my fav food and If i ask him take my daughter outdoor like other father in our apartment , he never does... now I feel like I am cheated and dont trust him and he is so manipulative .. he says in relationship money is not a priority and also trust . anyway I feel like divorcing him.. like any other girl I was expecting min trust from so called husband. how long I can live on ...

    to top that , got the pressure of younger sister marriage... again single mom we didnt dare to ask details about boy , we asked far relatives and got the feedback that he is good. got married.. My sister is not that wise to identify the guys characteristics.its very difficult to know about a guy poersonality from one meet so cant blame my mother and family members while I stay abroad. my sister was going with the boy during courtship and she says he behaved very normal.
    post marriage we realized when we went for a trip he is normal guy. he behaves very differently. we girls are very talented and respectable in the society . our neighbors and family see as role models. my sister is so beautiful and very successful in career and talented. we felt very betrayed and again cheated :( :( ... this guy card is with his parents. he channels according to his parents. because he has brought up like that. he cant talk in public his parents talk on behalf of him.. she is been crying since then . we too.
    then we got to know they married because of money and property that we give and her salary . he starts sending message just before the salary day to give him the part of the salary as they all stay together with his younger brother.. ( they had a fight with my sister to give her part of the salary just after marriage) till now they both as a couple never went to any place as a day out . ( because he is like that I think) and then she got baby boy(1+ year now) and went from my home to their home 6 months ago.. now have a kid at home his parents taking care while they go to work. so they started demanding her full salary otherwise send her out of home.. then she came to my home.. then their family and we complained police. now going on .. sister says i dont to them. i want to live separability with him dont want to live with his parents. they dont want to leave him..

    should we blame our fate or unfortuante circumstances , should we blame our bad decisions taken, should we blame our bringing up ( saying girls should study well and stand on their own and then marry , should never question boys and choose the boy according parents choice), should we blame our poor knowledge about the society and not being updated ..

    I am seeing my husband and his family , they are middle class and none of the kids are educated all secondary graduation completed, they know how to lead a life and they very wise and collectively take decision. if they do bad they collectively do bad.. and supporting each other..

    our upbringing is such that my parents always thought of doing good to anybody.. finding it very difficult to adjust of cheating people around..

    I wonder how people sugar coat ( market them selves and their son) and lure the girls and family in the name of arranged marriage .
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2019

  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Rose,

    You can't change your past or present. Only you can do something about the future. So, stop thinking about what happened and how it happened.I am glad you posted here about your brought up but our stories tell about sita and how she struggled. That is an example of anyone life could be. So, handle your life with brave. Education is just a part of life. Being educated and not educated is nothing to do with how we handle life up and downs.
    Even educated people can be manipulated.
    I am glad you have a good upbringing and your husband didn't have. But he didn't have a choice and he was born into that family. But if he loves you and you can try mending him without feeling self-pity.

    You surely don't love your husband. But 99% of the women didn't have guts to divorce the husband and live there lives. So, I believe that is also not an option.
    Now, come to the point. How your husband treats you? Forget about his family lies.
    Tell us the relation between and your husband and see you can change something yourself or find ways to cope up with it?
  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, I think your sister is right. She dont have to give her salary. She is not their slave. I think she should not yield to her demands and be bold. I know one of my close friend's case, she faced similar situation. She didnt gave her salary or yield to her PILs demands. There was lot of fights and turbulence. But she stayed with her decision. She got job after lot of effort, that was to gain financial independence and she was not ready to give her full salary to either husband or pils, but ready to contribute. She said to them that "she is an adult, If she knows how to earn a job, she can manage her money and don't need a baby sitter" .Finally they gave in. She stayed with them and planned next movie. Finally convinced her husband, bought another house using loans and her savings and shifted there with her husband and kid. Now every one is in good terms. Your sister is right and let her do what she wants and support her.

    In your case, past cannot be reversed. Its done. Think about your present and future. If your husband is a good person, loving and caring with not other bad habits and a responsible person, then give a second chance to this marriage. No one is perfect . We need to accept the full package. Try to see his positives. These kind of unfortunate events can happen even in picture perfect marriages also.

    Its not his fault that your parents didn't do proper background checks before marriage. Its not his fault that he was born and raised in that family. Being an adult you also didn't do your part. Your upbringing may be the reason. Teach your kid how to say NO when it should be a NO. Many women dont ask themselves what they want in marriage and just follow what parents say and end up in a marriage of convenience . It is done. So don't allow your past to spoil your present. Think about how you can make it better. The experience you gained so far will guide you for sure.

    Try to appreciate his good qualities. You are in a different country and dont have to deal with PILS. Thats a big plus. You are also financially independent. Money, education,status etc wont bring a happy married life, but a loving and caring spouse will. [I have seen very educated people, very manipulative and behaving like jerks]. Communicate well with him and try to build a friendship. I can understand your self pity mode. But that will make you a negative and bitter person. It also will lead to resentment towards your dh and lead to more problems. So try to work on your marriage.

    Do you think counselling will help you. Sometimes venting to a person can help to get clarity of thoughts. There may be Employee Assistance Programs that pays for counselling services. Living like this will not help you.

    So take control of your life into your hands. No one is going to come there and talk for you. You have to do it. Have a face to face talk with him in a calm and composed way. Discuss what he wants and what you want. You are his partner. You dont have to obey everything you dont want to. Learn to say NO, Sorry, Thanks etc wherever needed. It is better to communicate and have clarity. That will help you plan well.

    If you think you can give another chance, forget/forgive the past, consider it as a new beginning and make all efforts to make this marriage work as your kid is also involved. If nothing works, then only think about other paths. You deserve a happy and peaceful life. Good luck.
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2019
    shravs3 likes this.

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