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Kindly Help Me To Control My Mind And Acting Maturely.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rose03, Jun 15, 2017.

  1. Rose03

    Rose03 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi ,
    I am very sorry for the long post..

    I am very depressed and no control on mind sometimes don't know what I am doing . I have a beautiful Daughter god has given me who is very good and she still a toddler . Have been married for 4 years and intially my marriage life was sinking due my Husband ill treating behaviour and his family members . He did not treat me well and he lied about many things to us (arranged marriage) he is 10th std later he did some course training later . I Was a engineering graduate who were earning very good salary at very young age and Honour student . Was depressed the moment I came to know about my Husband education just few days before the marriage as they had told us that he was an MCA . I was like ok baba gave me and went ahead later post marriage his family members told me they got him married because of the money . They are not settled and were greedy for the money featchjng in Daughter in law . My family is well settled and gave property to all the kids during the marriage . Again they were demanding during the marriage . We family never have values of demanding . We were thinking how can anyone demand when they don't have anything . I had to struggle after marriage (I didn't know property or anything before marriage) my Parents did everything . We were brought up good responsible kids . It's like our parents taught a penny earned a penny saved.

    Life turned out different post marriage . He was very good to me when his family members (he has his sisters parents and aunts ...) think that I am good to them . For them when I keep talking to them I leave abroad , irrespective of my situations here . I work here . And I should minimise my takings to my family members and should not post any of my family member pics should post only theirs pics on social networking sites if I do .

    Again they were demanding for more gold ( my mom gave enough gold , property , girl working ) . Ok I became pregnant . my husband ill treated me very much. he kept traveling and never realized he has to be with the wife at this time not even once.. in between when he ws in town he used to cook for me.

    I am short temper girl who never favor unfair things happening around. i used to fight even in school and colleges since my childhood because my grand father was the head of the village. i got these traits from him. now my so called husband is doing and how can i stay mum looking at him..

    he never used to take me out after marriage, infact he asked me are u virgin and why should i marry u ?
    are there anyone who said are u looking gud in the marriage?
    i know its all immature and because of the education level, again he was 33 yeas when he got married while i was 26. i was like OK... ignore karo..
    later i figured out he lies to me about his salary .. he didnt have propose home when he took me after marriage as he was staying with friend's family. in fact i didnt object being newly married couple. i understood he had loans taken for the marriage ( to buy expensive things for his family members :) ) and to buy saree ( 2 sarees) his family members did lot of hungama.

    this guy did some course and got into IT system administration.. never save single penny being 33 yrs no home nothing ... all he knew and know is serve his family members .. satisfying all their luxury needs and cravings .. they wanted working educated daughter in law to give more luxury comforts their lives.
    i was like scapegoat.

    fast forward we have baby who is toddle in 4 years o fmarriage, when i get angry abuse about his family member seldom when i cant tolerate.. though he used to do for my family members. his parents were here , for them they dont think about tomorrow they want njoy by spending all they have now and forget about tomorrow. for her mother everything is their sisters and their kids. she is not responsible about their kids all their lives she wanted her kids to server her sister and kids wanted to uplift them.. now they dont any shelter for themselves.. they were all working at their home 3 kids and father.. no savings.. quite big all of them.. husband last aunt is in village she controls all of their lives..who is so manipulative and always talk bad about other people or girls.. my husband listened to her and her husband more than anyone ( more than his mother) , if she does not respond to his call , he will be shattered and keep calling her until she lifts.. if she is angry he will be in different world. for him she should be happy always.. he did many things to them ( financially) and her kids ,today though they are settled in their place with all the things where his parents and family are beggars( am sorry to say this)

    for them if its girl hunt for good settled guy and get married( younger sister got married like that while elder stays at home) if its boy hunt for girl as an arranged marriage who is well settled. in fact husband was in love and roaming around with a girl this i got to know couple of conversation happened at their home.

    in fact one day i was shattered and told his mom while i was in india ur son is doing this he does not talk to me days/weeks then she told her sister( at their home any matter spread very quickly to everyone) then his aunt spoke to me ( his favorite aunt) during the conversation i was telling ( after 2 years of our marriage and 1 yrs old daughter) , she said he will not talk to ur daughter because he is angry on u that is obvious.. and for that ( i am already in pain ) she again " Oh recently he messaged me , i said why u r sad he said he wants to divorce you then we thought we spoiled his life by getting married to you "
    he got married to me after she telling him that marry this girl, untill marriage she kept saying ur voice is good curly hairs , good eyes and post marriage she said we got hi married to you because of your money and ur mother help him because he has nothing.. in the marriage she is the one who told me everyone said girl not good looking guy is very good looking g( my husband is very dark and hefty) . she always tells my husband ur wife is not good looking . she wishes on our marriage anniversary having his only pic( not me included) i am average girl, tall slim and good features people say they want to be like me. :(

    his family members are always protective thinks he may loose interest on them.. they makeup stories to tell him so that he gets empathy on them and they do all the drama..

    such an unfair people..

    trust me i start trusting people post marriage. before that i never knew we would get in touch with such people. my parents are very good at heart and highly appreciated by society for good will they do for the people friends , neighbors or relatives.


    my husband untill now he tells fake salary.. we are in south east asia , where people go out for vacation, he never called me .. my daughter 3 years . i should everything for her a a single parent.

    forgot to tell, during my maternity in India, i saved some money after marriage and got him home in metropolitan city where its hard to get these days.. and bought agricultural land..

    he pretends a lot , where i never been like i always want be myself wherever i am. other should think that he is very good.. his fav aunt and uncle always keep saying everyone says u r great... that this.. he buys expensive things for his family members without telling me and lot of hide and seeks game he plays .
    i tell him we both are earning , it always good to be transparent to each other spending even it is single penny we are in foreign land and have daughter . he says i am getting this much..
    i know it wrong i once happened to see his salary slips( 1 year of marriage ) while applying for housing loan i was shattered what he did with rest . when i say this happened before how can i trust u again its 4 years now we should sit and do this.. he always tell me am not comfortable sharing with u..

    may be i speak badly about his parents why ur parents are like not even saved single penny, infact he sends some amount. i have no issues again they should not demand more.. all of them have their savings .. Ok good.. we both should be transparent in relationship.

    now we have an heated arguments in front of my daughter , she looks at me or my husband . sometimes we fight in middle of night. and she gets up say daddy beat u , daddy say sorry to mummy. i will be
    crying looking at my daughter situation..

    as a mother I do everything for her , although am tired or what i take her out . i am doing both father and mother roles.
    my husband never takes my daughter out , when we go to playground we could kids playing with their parents , or anywhere out.. me and my daughter will be odd one Always ... hahahaha .. we both are used to it.. when i ask him he says he wants to sit at home all the weekdays he worked. he has time to spend 2 hrs in gym near his office every day. he cant spare an hr for the wife and daughter.. my question is this . should i not think like this

    he says , when my baby was 9 months, i wonder how god gave you this cute to you..

    and also he says if there was no baby by now i would have divorced you .

    sometimes i think am i bad wife or bad mother . i feel very bad about my daughter situation..

    i told this to my mom and siblings, they say you are short tempered , control that .after we are girls adjust and leave. we have to show to love to him he will come to u.. when the love shown by his family members is more he will get attracted to them.

    he is so unfair and doing all this. during one year of marriage relationship he wrote a letter, you are not beautiful but ok, u have to take care of all my family members very much..
    and just after marriage we happened to visit the cafeteria , the first he said was "you have to take care of my family memebrs" .common i am new to country and many things happened between your family and my members from ur family members demanding. did you ask me how am i now ?

    he never took me out unless someone invited him or when ever we want to watch movie he will bring his friends as well. does he think i am not fit :D

    recently an incident happened, where he was standing in kitchen and could smell the washing powder so he told the same to maid, and asked to smell his tshirt that he was wearing . she was standing next to him and smelled it .. i could not take it . i said dont do again.
    i dont know i am very sensitive to these matters.

    Pl. help me how to handle this situation well, our frequencies are not matching. he does not understand what i say him..

    till now i only once looked into his mobile in front him neither i know his mobile pwd nor his bank account transaction nor his email , any of the personal things..

    he knew all mine ( mobile , bank account) , infact salary slip. everything. later i found he is taking advantage.. i changed pwd for all.

    we are just boy and girl has baby leading the life. we show off very well to the people that i am being myself , he will show off that they are are beautiful couple and family .

    i want to overcome this, am an ambitious girl and want to move up in career ladder and give the best life to my daughter. my husband really have no knowledge on this. for him he works and come .have to take care what knowledge to impart my daughter and education ,health and all future plans.

    if i ask him , he says everyone is expert in one way you are intelligent you are doing. I am able to sanitary work at home , electric work and other repair work.. for me we dont want to marry a guy who does this work. rather i can hire handyman ..

    pl help me tricks and any apps to vent out immediately to reduce my temper and acting maturely
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2017
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  2. catwalk

    catwalk Gold IL'ite

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    if you see a starving person on the road and offer him food, he would say ' Enough' after 2-3 servings. He would be satisfied.

    But if you offer money to someone, they would never say 'enough'..They will keep on expecting more and more..

    This is human nature. So don't
    Offer money to anyone. If you want to help someone, then find out their real need snd help them to achieve it by different means.
     
  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Looks like this is some kinda power game from your in laws side to keep an upper hand. This is when your beauty, talent, money, skill, family, divorce talks, etc - everything will be put down and stomped on to reduce your confidence and break it. Also because they lied to you about his studies n stuff, they maybe blaming you before you blame them. That's why the beauty thing is coming in the picture too. Understand this, just because they say it, it's not true. They are saying it to put you down. Don't fall for it.

    Your dh, if you want to fix the relationship with him, you start the effort. It maybe very difficult for you in the beginning since it may look all one sided but he may start responding soon. Stop the arguments, set up dates, go for movies, game arcades, do nice n silly things together.

    Your anger, walk away when you can't control. It's tough, but stop any arguments for a while and work on your relationship keeping away the family n finance drama. And just focus on yourself. Never raise your voice in front of your child. If he does, walk away and later talk in a calm manner. Don't bring up the past, focus on your present and future.

    Once you get some footing on this, then sort out the financials n everything.

    Also continue to focus on your career and securing your finances.

    Yoga, music, movies, reading, writing, running, walking - are a few options to calm your nerves when you lose your temper.
     
    Rose03 likes this.
  4. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Long post.did not read fully.
    My thoughts.
    Leave him.take care of ur kid
     
    pinkgal likes this.
  5. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    A case of pure emotional, physical, financial, mental abuse is what is happening to you.

    What example are you setting to your daughter? That it is ok for her father to hit her mother?

    First of all, stop blaming yourself.
    Secondly, stop giving money to your greedy husband and inlaws. You earn so you keep and decide how to spend.
    Create Joint account and tell him you will only deposit a part of money and he should deposit a part. Use this combined pooled money for your daughter's education and bills and groceries, Etc.

    Thirdly, never ever let him raise a hand on you irrespective of whatever may the reason be. Warn him of domestic voilence case if he repeats again.

    Fourthly, do what you like. It's your life. Live it.
     
    Rose03 and BhumiBabe like this.
  6. Rose03

    Rose03 Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks catwalk ahneys sunshine04 pinky2cute for the replies . Relationship is sinking and my mind is really in different world altogether hope I come out of it soon .
     
  7. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    I have also been told that I am short-tempered, which doesn't help when there are actual bad things happening to you. It's tough to handle this all alone, with no one to share your troubles and advise you properly. Personally, I had to go to counseling, to get the 3rd party view, and not be pulled down by my emotions. My parents, were loving, but could only advise me to adjust and these aren't things that are easy to share with friends - especially when we are advised from day one, that we shouldn't share our troubles in marriage outside of our marriage.

    To start off, try writing a diary/journal of your thoughts and emotions. At first it might seem erratic and unfocused, but as you write daily, you will understand more about why you are so angry, and deal with it appropriately - rather than accidently saying something that you regret. If you are asking for apps to write a journal, I recommend Penzu.

    I also recommend counseling, marriage counseling, to help you get on the same page-ish. Also, if you get a good counselor, who is older and Indian, it might help. If he wants the marriage to work (at least for your child or something else), this is the opportunity to figure that out. If you are not interested in making it work, please implore to your family (parents, siblings) for help to get out. You can only do this, when you are calm and able to think with clarity (not clouded by emotions). They will not respect your request if you are too emotional.

    Money - this is a really big problem. Clearly, he is unable to trust you, therefore you are unable to trust him. This is an issue that you really need to take up with the counselor. If he is so traditional, he has to understand that as a man, married to a woman, it's his duty to take care of you. In older generations, it was understood that only men who are financially able to provide for a wife could get married. If he's so modern, he has to actually help out in the house and still be supportive.

    Anyway, the first step is clearing your thoughts - by writing or going to counseling.
     
    Sunshine04 likes this.
  8. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    One more case where parents FAILED to do a proper background check of the guy and later telling daughter to ADJUST!!!
    Before telling you to control ur temper,did ur parents do their duty and stand as a support system for your state?? They are responsible for ur situation.
    If you dont show temper, do you think such a guy and family will show an inch of humanity towards you?? Continue bashing then and pls dont stop. They deserve it...both ur parents and H and his family.
     
  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    I think you are depressed.
    See a Dr ASAP
     
    BhumiBabe likes this.
  10. catwalk

    catwalk Gold IL'ite

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    Don't take any decision on your life based on the comments / opinions from IL or your colleagues / friends. These are general statements stem from their experience and family circumstances. You must share all your concerns with your parents. Their judgement and opinion may be more accurate and honest. It is easy to break a relationship, then what's next? ..Relax, reset your mind and Think about the good things in this relationship and assess if it make sense to proceed with it..Never try to resolve any issues offering money or assets..Keep all your money and assets in your possession only..May God Bless..
     

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