Kindly guide/help me ...................

Dear Sonika,

I understand it's very tough phase you are going through. Please be brave.
I know it's easy to ask me to divert your mind, but please try and divert your mind on to other things. Spend more time with your child. Read books. There is so much you can do around, involve your self in social activities in your town.
I pray to God to watch over you and your son. God bless you dear.

 

Don't feel helpless. Please stop crying. You have seen the worst in life. BUT you also have two sets of parents that have some concern for you. Both of them want you to remarry is a good sign of progressiveness. Your child has somebody else other than you. So please don't cry.

If possible, please answer these questions for me

1. Would you mind telling where you are living? Parents or in-laws or separate?
2. Are you still grieving your loss or are you able to lead normal life? Time heals.
3. How is your child doing?
4. Did your opinions change about remarriage?
5. Did that BIL get married? If not, what is your current opinion about him?
6. Your child or you, perhaps are legally entitled to some property share of in-laws. I am not sure but worth finding.
7. Are your parents still worried about furniture?
8. Did your parents bring any proposals? Did you meet any of them?
9. Are you taking good care of your health?

Everyone has a motive. Parents want furniture. In-laws want insurance for their old age.

BUT your motive must be to protect yourself and get the best possible outcome for yourself. Are your in-laws very wealthy? Is your BIL a responsible/well earning human being? Do you have good opinion about him? If YES, then please reconsider this option of marrying BIL.

Did your parents try finding a new guy for you? Did you meet any of them? Did you like any of them? How do they compare to BIL? Nothing wrong in making comparisons and choosing the best person for yourself. You can compare education, current job/salary, family wealth, reputation of the boy from known sources. Since you have a child, you may also want to talk to the boys about this responsibility.

I agree with your parents and neighbors that you need support to lead life. If you are still young, your chances of finding a good match are high. Remarriage is not a bad thing. Couples separate and remarry all the time. But for you to choose wisely, you need to have come out of that grief and look ahead in life.

 

Good things are

You are working. Have support of parents. Your child is going to school. Your child has grandparents to care for him to some extent. Excellent. Please don't cry. You have many things going for you.

Now the bad,

=> Your BIL has a girl friend. Please forget this option of marrying him. It is better if you stay out of this mess. Did you find out whether you can get any share of the property here? If you don't have anyone to ask, please search the web. This is a very important piece to find. Since your FIL loves the child, I think they will give you something. I just request you to be careful so that you get the share that is yours.

=> You and your child are feeling alone. You are busy with work. You have no time for himself and cook. I totally understand and sympathize with you. I think the reason you are unable to forget your husband is because you don't have any friends or relatives to confide. Do you have any friends that you can meet once in a while and talk?

=> The guys are not willing to adopt the child. Here is one suggestion

Have you tried registering in matrimonial websites that are specifically meant for widows and divorcees? There could be male widows with child too. Be very very careful with which sites you register. I will try to search and post later here the sites. I request you to be very cautious and careful with where you put your details.

Speak to your parents about registering in those websites. If possible, you register by yourself. Please present an image of independent and strong woman that is raising the child by herself. Don't portray yourself as someone that is till grieving the loss and unable to forget her husband. Use a very good picture of you to be used in those sites.

You MUST take care of your health. There is no other option for you. If a parent is always worried and unhappy and is mentally weak, it will be very bad for the child. Please take care of your health.

 

Dear Sonika,
simplemom has given you the perfect guidelines and try to follow it to the best of your ability. I shall keep you in my prayers for a peaceful settled future for you. you are not alone, don't despair and try to be cheerful and look ahead for your own happiness and your child's. Wish u all the best.

 

OP,
i wondered how your situation resolved. It isn't possible to settle into another relationship with a period of grieving. Even if the situation seems the same to you, you have made some important gains in the past two years.

do you live in a big city? Are there any activities you and your child can engage in over the weekend? Yes, working is very important for you right now. So is living a fulfilling life with other activities thrown in. We don't function very well as automatons. Use the internet and identify one small art activity or play activity you and you child can do together. It doesn't have to be for long...just 15 minutes. Here you lay the foundation not just for an emotional bond with your child, but also for future academic learning. Pick one extended activity for the weekend-maybe a trip to the park, a meal out...talk and play a lot with your child. As a single parent you will find that adult chores interfere al the time and that it is easy to put away these interactions with your child for later. Try your best to do the opposite...plan your time well and attend to your child's needs at least 80% of the time?if you must, postpone less important chores for later.

As you say, most of the men your family introduces you to don't want to adopt the child. Can they expand the circle to include men from other communities (if they don't already do so)? Even if you meet others on your own, the chances of meeting a kindred spirit is greater if you widen the circle. I don't know if you are totally comfortable with that idea but it is something to think about.

your BIL sounds like a jerk...you don't even want to go down that path...you deserve better.