Kindly guide/help me ...................

Dear Sonika,
Its commom practice for a widow to marry her BIL in your region , the family property, inheritance stays in the family .If your Inlaws are good and you like your BIL you can think about it.
Why do your parents want the furniture back? It doesnt sound good, you have lost your hubby, in law have lost a young son, you are not being thrown out .

You will be safe at your parents place but situation may change after brothers marry .
You can ask for some time to think from both set of parents.
But you have to think of your position in your parents place or at your inlaws place. you should get respect from people you stay with.

 

Hi Sonika,
I want to say few points..
your parents really cant ask the dowry back - becoz there is no fault of ur inlaws family for the loss..
As how you have affection for your son , ur inlaws might also have affection for their grand son..how can u snatch that away? - whether u choose to live with them or not u should allow them to see their grand son at times (they might not have behaved great with u)..clearly tell them that u need some time on deciding..
u need not worry abt ur brothers - men easily get another women , it is not the case with women..
you can be independent and keep working..and show ur son to inlaws over weekends with out leaving him.
u also cannot decide how he behaves with ur son .. some men take care of their wifes children as their own..
Is your BIL younger to your hubby or older? .. If u decide to go ahead later with him try to check what kind of person he is.. not all are fortunate to get a second chance..so just talk , analyse and decide after taking some time..
u dont hav to rush doing thoz things u can take your own time ..says 6mons for deciding again 6mons to feel mentally compatible with him..time is a great healer..donot worry.

 

Hi there,
I have a question for you...I didn't want to make an assumption that this hadn't been done already..Did anyone in your family or from your in laws help you deal with your grief before all this broke out? It has been only 2 1/2 months since your husband died...you must still be coming to terms with the loss of your dreams and hopes. Why are they talking about your remarriage so soon? Hope there is someone you can talk to about your feelings and your ideas.

I just wanted to share something with you. The woman who helps my mom was left a young widow too...when her second child was a few months old. She didn't have the support of her family (as her father remarried and all that conundrum) nor were her in laws able to feed 3 extra mouths. Through the years she has had to put up with various sly remarks and all kinds of troubles that young widows face (especially because she had no family to support her). She raised her kids by working in other people's homes. The best part is that she never let anyone talk down to her. In fact in one of the places she worked, someone used a derogatory word for widow and she quit her job then and there...her kids are adults now, they have learned the same sense of self worh and integrity from their mother. They did have hardships but always dealt with those without buckling down. What more can anyone give their child than that sense of self worth and integrity?

This woman didn't have the education you have nor your job prospects. Even if your family will resist your try for independence now they will come around when they see that you are happy doing what you want to do.

Remarriage should be on your terms....you are a person and should not be bartered around for other people's convenience or ideas. Besides marriage is not the be all and end all. It is good to be in a good marriage but you shouldn't be married for the sake of being married.

If you want to do what's best for your daughter, do what is best for you. What do you want for your child? To manage her life to the best of her abilities and to have the freedom to make choices at such crucial times I hope. If you want her to grow up with the sense that she has a choice in her life, then start by setting an example. It is not going to be easy but life already isn't, is it? Fighting such demeaning practices (yes it is) will be tough...but others may take courage from your example.

If the people around you start talking about sacrifice, it is because they want the other person to sacrifice for their beliefs, their wants and needs. That is nothing but manipulation and blackmail. Sacrifice is important in a family..all of us have to give up something for our family's sake but it has meaning only when it comes from within...it is not something enforced by others. Plus the sacrifice should truly be worth it.

Wishing you the strength you need at such a tough time...

 

Sonika,
I am so sorry for your loss.
I had to tell you about our family freind.
This was back in 85. Our family friend lost his first younger brother who was only couple of years married due to an accident. The girl was not working. She stayed with the inlaws. The Mil who was in her 60's was very broad minded. She took very good care of the girl like her daughter. close to an year of the death the girl started getting proposals from outside even without them looking for a match. Everyone mil, our family friend were very happy and wanted the girl to get married. But all girl did was kept crying and saying she doesnot want leave her mil. Meanwhile the youngest son who was unmarried and working out of town came to know about the proposals and was very adamant that he wanted to marry the sil.
To make a long story short. they got married and are leading a happy life with a son.
Why I told you this was if widow remarriage was acceptable in the 80's I am sure it is very well the norm now. But, you need time to heal and let everything fall into place at the right time.
Meanwhile, you should stop worrying about mom, fil and what neighbours say. Firmly tell all of them to stay quiet for some time so you can slowly get back to normal.
Its good you are working. that makes life a little easier. Don't quit the job no matter what.
Currently you need to live with whom (wether it is parents or il's) who is closer to work and who can help you with your child.
Later, you need to live by yourself and ask parents or Il to live with you so they can be of support to you.
You should not let your mom dictate how you should live, when you should marry etc.
I pray you will find peace and strength to make wise decisions.

 

I think atleast 1 year time is required to heal.

Then decision has to be taken by you and by you alone

 

Hi Sonika,
Tell them firmly that u need some time..
when husband is not there then parents way of treating u might also change to an extent.
try to analyse where u are comfortable..take some time and decide..
If ur inlaws has taken all the money u have earned till now then ur parents have some right to ask for ur sake..
years down the line u might also feel unhappy of having a partner (i guess ur age is also less)..so let the time decide wht needs to be done..
later after 6mons if u talk to ur BIL then u can make out if he is interested to take care of his bros kid and u its is fine or is it becoz of the family pressure/money then u can just leave him .live life independantly

 

In your condition, I think its better for you stay at your parent's place. Pls ask your parents to not speak to you of marriage until you are ready. I dont know whether in your region they dont see highly of widows or with respect. If you feel ppl will talk unnecessary things I would suggest you to stay with parents. One more thing, are your parents worried about the dowry to remarry you? If they have such concerns it is very easy to make mistakes by marrying you to wrong person and family. I hope you understand. It is not a decision to be taken in haste. I am not sure about the financial part and the dowry (you dont have to mention details in this forum ) but these are things you will have to deal with tactfully. I feel sorry for you to have to go through all this in this difficult period. Try to remain calm and dont take any decisions when not emotionally balanced.

 

:thumbsup Very well said! I could have just clicked 'like' button but I really liked everything you said and particularly this. Especially what you said above, it took me several years efore I figured this out for myself.