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Keeping Fil Engaged After Mil's Demise

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by previ, May 25, 2016.

  1. previ

    previ Senior IL'ite

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    This is the first time I am posting in this forum so I would really appreciate your suggestions.

    My MIL passed away 1.5 months back. She was an amazing lady, a second mother to me and I intensely feel her loss. I had a wonderful bond with her and we spoke on phone (we live around 3 hrs away) and even when I met her, we had a good time. Now that she is gone, my FIL is alone. Considering that he has no hobbies and he is hardly the social kind, we are worried for him. Temple visits are out since his side of the family are atheists. He lives with my younger BIL and his wife but they are working and out all day while he is retired and at home. We visit him once in two weeks with my son (he's 6 years old). We have asked him to come live with us for a change but he'll be alone at home since we both work and my son is in daycare after his school. My FIL isn't exactly kid friendly (exact opposite of my MIL) so my son doesn't go to him much and FIL isn't comfortable taking care of him for even short periods. All my husband's relatives live in their native and though we have a house there, he doesn't want to go there for long as he says he'll get bored.
    My question is how do we keep him engaged? His only love was his job so we have asked him to check if he will get some kind of a consulting job in his field for at least a couple of days a week. Everyone around me keeps saying that grandchild (my son) is the best distraction but he is simply not that kind. Any suggestions are most welcome.
     
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  2. beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

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    Give him some time.. he'll explore his hobbies himself and you can take hints and work accordingly. Do not negate anything based on previous experiences as now situation has changed. He might not be interested in mingling with kids/ going out/ exploring anything previously, but now he might reinvent himself. Just let some time pass and see what really interests him.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  3. vanithaudt

    vanithaudt Silver IL'ite

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    I am really sorry for your MIL's loss. I know your family is going through a tough time. Time is the key. It may take some time to re-adjust himself.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  4. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Other than ur fil need his time to recover, you and ur h and son can visit everyday evening for few months and take ur fil for a walk even for 15 min. Staying home all day is not good for mental health.

    If he knows using computer or tablet, make him use it , ex newspaper and some his fav tv show in YouTube , slowly he can use all web related stuff,
     
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  5. previ

    previ Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for your replies!

    Visiting everyday would not be possible since we live in a different city and by road one-way takes around 3 hours. We do visit him once every 2 weeks and spend the weekend there. Yes he is a bit tech savvy so DH got him logged on to facebook on his smartphone. He is on whatsapp too and does surf the net quite a bit on the computer.
    However he's never known the concept of getting out of the house for leisure (no interest in movies, malls, eating out, roaming, seeing places or even simply roaming in the garden) and hence MIL had her own social circle for these things.
    Maybe once we give him some time, we'll have to start forcing him to come out with us just like that and not because there is some work to be completed outside.
     
  6. previ

    previ Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks Vanitha. Will definitely give him all the time he needs.
     
  7. previ

    previ Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you. Shall definitely give him time and hope you are right. Since MIL fell sick within a month of his retirement last year and every second of his time was spent caring for her, I believe he never got a chance to explore his hobbies.
     
  8. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    My FIL to was suddenly feeling lonely after my MIL's demise, since he retired long back both MIL n FIL were extremely close, almost 24/7 they were together, they would watch TV, gossip, visit temples , doctors etc etc all in each others company, more over FIL would do what ever my MIL instructs he just couldnt do anything on his own.
    So initial days was very very difficult for him, he couldnt even decide on his daily clothes, food .. as he was used to instructions for every small things, then slowly he started to think on his own, spent time with my daughter who as 13 years then, he would play carrom/ chess with her, she taught him to use computer/net, he would help me in the kitchen to wash and cut veggies, do small shopping like milk/veggies... all this which he was not at all used to it.

    Present condition: He doesn't stay at one place for more than 3 months, if he stays 3 months with us, he stays next 3 months with my older SIL, some times he stays with his grand kids ( two SIL's children) last year he stayed in Poland for 4 months with his grand daughter . Now he stopped complaining and happy the way he is managing his life.

    You can only give suggestions but its up to him to decide what he can do to kill his time, if he doesn't enjoy spending time with his grand son or socializing then you cannot force him, just leave him alone and you dont have to feel guilty.
     
    Cool10 likes this.

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