jokes

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by chatkara_tasty, Sep 10, 2006.

  1. chatkara_tasty

    chatkara_tasty Bronze IL'ite

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    A British Diplomat paid courtesy visit to Lalloojee.
    > During a Garden party at the Palace, he thought of
    > entertaining
    > Lalloojee
    > with the following magic of numbers.
    > He said, " Your excellency, Look at the value of the
    > alphabet :
    > A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
    >
    > 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
    > 21 22 23 24 25 26
    >
    > Now, look at this Sir, if we calculate together it
    > will be :
    >
    > H A R D W O R K
    >
    > 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
    >
    > K N O W L E D G E
    >
    > 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only
    >
    > L O B B Y I N G
    >
    > 12 15 2 2 25 9 14 7 = 86 % Only
    >
    > L U C K
    >
    > 12 21 3 11 = 47 % Only
    >
    > Sir, you should look at the final one, which is most
    > important.
    >
    > A T T I T U D E
    >
    > 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
    >
    > Sir, do you find it useful?
    >
    > This magic can work on your people to improve
    > themselves, increase
    > productivity, and make your Kingdom prosperous.
    > Sir, I can arrange to send our experts to coach your
    > people. We can do
    > it in
    > less than a year"
    >
    > Lalloojee thought for a while; and said,
    >
    > " I have better formula. See this ......
    >
    > C O R R U P T I O N
    >
    > 3 15 18 18 21 16 20 9 15 14 = 111
    > %...................
    >
    > Do you want me to come and teach your people? I can
    > do it in less than
    > one
    > week."
    >
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > One day a young lady came home from a date, rather
    > sad. She told her
    > Mother
    > -
    > "Mom, Tushar just proposed to me an hour ago."
    > "Then why are you so sad?" her Mother asked.
    > "Well, he also told me that he was an atheist. Mom,
    > he doesn't even
    > believe
    > that hell exists!"
    > Her mother replied, "Honey, marry him anyway.
    > Between the two of us,
    > we'll
    > show him how wrong he really is."
    >
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Scene: Ajit is watching cricket match of India
    > vs.Pakistan.
    > Kapil is bowling and Imran is batting.
    > Pakistan needs 24 runs in 4 balls.
    > Ajit: Rabert Kapil se kehna ek khatarnak Beemer
    > daalde aur Imran ko out
    > karde
    > Robert: Ok boss
    > Robert goes to Kapil and tells the message. Kapil
    > nods and bowls but
    > Imran
    > hits it for a six!
    > Ajit: Rabert ab Kapil se kehna ek khatarnak Yorker
    > daalde aur Imran kaa
    > kaam
    > tamam karde
    > Robert: Ok boss
    > He goes to Kapil and tells the message. Kapil nods
    > and bowls but Imran
    > hits
    > it for a six again. Now there are two balls and 12
    > runs.
    > Ajit: Rabert ab Kapil se jaake kehna ek khatarnak
    > out swinger daalde
    > aur
    > Imran ko catchout karde.
    > Robert: Ok boss
    > He goes to Kapil and tells the message again. Kapil
    > nods and bowls but
    > Imran
    > again hits it for a six again.
    > Now just one ball and six runs to win.
    > Robert: Boss ab Kapil se jaake kya kehna hai?
    > Ajit: Ab Kapil se kuch mat kehna. Imran se jaake
    > kehna ki uski maa aur
    > beewi
    > hamare kabje mein hai
    >
    >
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    > Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks
    > in and asks the
    > barman,
    > "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
    > The barman says "Yep, that's them."
    > So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you
    > guys doing?"
    > Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
    > The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
    > And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14
    > million Pakistanis and
    > one
    > bicycle repairman."
    > And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?"
    > Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you!!
    > No one would worry
    > about
    > the 14 million Pakistanis!"
    >
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    >
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Kanjibhai is appearing on Kaun banega Corepati ("Who
    > Wants To Be A
    > Millionaire") with Amithab Bachan
    > Amitab Bachan, "Kanjibhai, you're up to Rupees
    > 500,000 with one
    > lifeline
    > left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next
    > question is worth
    > one
    > million Rupees . If you get it wrong, you drop back
    > to Rupees 32,000.
    > Are
    > you ready?"
    > Kanjibhai, "Yes."
    > Amitab Bachan, "Which of the following birds does
    > not build its own
    > nest?
    > Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D)
    > pigeon."
    > Kanjibhai , "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to
    > call Ramjibhai."
    > Ramjibhai answers the phone: "Hello?"
    > Amitab Bachan , "Hello Ramjibhai , it's Amitab
    > Bachan from Kaun banega
    > Corepati. I have your friend Kanjibhai here who
    > needs your help to
    > answer
    > the one million Rupees question. The next voice you
    > hear will be
    > Kanjibhai's....."
    > Kanjibhai , "Ramjibhai , which of the following
    > birds does not build
    > it's
    > own nest?
    > Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D)
    > pigeon."
    > Ramjibhai , "Oh, Kanjibhai . That's simple. It's a
    > cuckoo."
    > Kanjibhai : "Are you sure?"
    > Ramjibhai : "I'm sure."
    > Amitab Bachan, " You heard Ramjibhai . Do you keep
    > the Rupees 500,000
    > or
    > play for the million?"
    > Kanjibhai , "I want to play; I'll go with C)
    > cuckoo."
    > Amitab Bachan, "Is that your final answer?"
    > Kanjibhai , "Yes."
    > Amitab Bachan "Are you confident?"
    > Kanjibhai "Yes; I think Ramjibhai pretty smart."
    > Amitab Bachan, "You said C) cuckoo, and you're
    > right!
    > Congratulations, you have just won one million
    > Rupees !"
    > To celebrate, Kanjibhai flies Ramjibhai to Mumbai.
    > That night they go
    > out on
    > the town.
    > As they're celebrating, Kanjibhai looks at Ramjibhai
    > and asks him,
    > "Tell me,
    > how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does
    > not build its own
    > nest?"
    > "That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."
    >
    >
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    >
    > Basanti: Bhag Dhanno Aaj Teri Basanti Ki Izzat Ka
    > Sawaal Hai.
    > Dhanno : Teri Izzat Gayi Tel Lene, Mere Peeche
    > Gabbar Ke Ghode Pade
    > Hain.
    >
    ==============================================================
    >
    > Unki Gali Se Hum Nikle, Ajeeb Ittefaq Tha,
    > Phool To Feka Unho Ne, Lekin Gamla Bhi Sath Tha.
    >
    >
    =============================================================
    > Wife: Mere Irade Bade Nek Hai, Aap 1000 Mein Ek
    > Hain...
    > Sardar: Mera Dimag Bada Tez Hai, Pehle Yeh Bata,
    > Baki 999 Kaun Hai!
    >
    >
    ====================================================================
    >
    > Makan Malik: Sir 500 Kiraya Hoga.
    > Kirayedar : Thik Hai, Par Aapke Makaan Mein Chuhey
    > Nach Rahen Hain.
    > Makan Malik: Abe Uloo, 500 Mein Chuhey Nahi To Kya
    > Urmila Nachegi!!!!
    >
    >
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    > TC to Sadhu : "Baba kahan ja rahe ho ?"
    > Sadhu : "Jahan Ram ka janam hua tha."
    > TC: "Baba ticket dikhao.."
    > Sadhu: "Nahin hai...."
    > TC : "To phir chalo"
    > Sadhu: "Kahan?"
    > TC: "Jaha Krishan ka janam hua tha"
    >
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A
    >
    > Sardar was sitting with a Pakistani in Saudi Arabia,
    > sharing a smuggled
    > barrel of beer, when all of a sudden, Saudi police
    > entered and arrested
    > them.
    > They were initially sentenced to death but they
    > contested this and were
    > finally imprisoned for life. But, as it was a
    > national holiday, the
    > Sheikh
    > decided they should be released after receiving 20
    > lashes of the whip.
    > As they were preparing for their punishment, the
    > Sheikh suddenly said:
    > "It's
    > my first wife's birthday today, and she asked me to
    > allow each of you
    > one
    > wish before your whipping."
    >
    > The Pakistani guy, said: "Please fix two pillows on
    > my back".
    > But the two pillows could only take 10 lashes before
    > the whip went
    > through.
    >
    > Before the Sardar fellow could say something, the
    > Sheikh turned to him
    > and
    > said: "As you are from a big country, and your
    > football team and your
    > golfers are terrible, and your women skinny (Saudis
    > love fat women) you
    > can
    > have two wishes!".
    >
    > "Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the
    > Indian replies.
    > "My first wish is: " I would like to have 40
    > lashes."
    > "If you so desire", the Sheikh replies with a
    > questioning look on his
    > face,
    > "and your second wish?"
    > "Tie the Pakistani to my back", the Indian answers.
    >
    ==============================================================
    > What would be changed if Laloo Prasad Yadav becomes
    > India's Prime
    > Minister rather than Railway Minister:
    > 1. National Anthem : Khana Pina Adhik Zaroorat
    > hai...
    >
    > 2. National Attire : Dhoti & Kurta
    >
    > 3. National Drink : Fresh Buffalo Milk
    >
    > 4. National Animal : Buffalo, from Bihar
    >
    > 5. National Sport : Milking Buffalo (AM)&
    > Buffalo Race (PM)
    >
    > 6. Corporate Language : Enlish-va
    >
    > 7. National Toy : A. K. 57
    >
    > 8. National Family Planning Policy : Hum Do,
    > Humare Nau
    >
    > 9. National Documentry Film : Laloo Ban Gaya
    > Gentleman
    >
    > 10. National Vehicle : Buffalo Cart
    >
    > 11. National Recreation : Pro-creation.
    >
    >
    >
    >
     
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