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Jab We Met

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by Agatha83, Jun 12, 2017.

  1. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Agatha,

    Despite your painful experience when you are a teen, you gave us a wonderful narration in the form of a snippet to describe what you had been through. Your experiences in the lab didn't help you figure out the chemistry between yourself and your prospective bridegroom. First of all I don't like the old method of bride-seeing ceremony where the groom's family visit the bride's home as though they are visiting a museum. Second, the bride has to present the best side as though she is attending a job interview. I am not sure whether this was applicable to the groom those days as the groom appeared to be pretty relaxed in an outfit that he is comfortable with.

    It is ridiculous to think that more dowry would compensate for not being fairer. I am glad the man you married put his foot down to tell that he won't go for anymore bride-seeing ceremony. I was shocked that a family asked for reimbursement of tickets besides hotel accommodation and pick-up.

    I was able to feel your pain the way you articulated it. I like your grandma for putting her put down not to make the institution of marriage into a business deal involving negotiation. Perhaps, the only consolation for a bride those days is when they find the right man with whom they spend a long life together.

    Viswa
     
  2. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Nice narration Agatha.Having been in a joint family I have seen more than 60 girl seeing ( penn paarkkum padalam).More than the mental agony the girl undergoes, she is subject to so much of gossips when each time she is rejected.my sister got rejected 10 times since she was a little dark.At the 11th time she refused to wear pattu saree, or wear jasmine flowers.She was in SSLC class. On that particular day the boy's parents visited some other house and made a surprise entry.My sister just came from school and was wearing a normal voil saree.My mother could not come out as she had her monthly periods.Myself and my other sisters were below 8. My sister was very smart.We had some 20 old idlies prepared the earlier day. She just prepared idli upma with some ginger and green chilies.She plucked some poovarsam leaves -big in size and served the upma in those leaves.There was no extra milk. She gave a tumbler of butter milk. The bridegroom liked her smartness and simplicity.The boy's mother appreciated the samayochitha buddhi of the girl.He immediately said 'yes' though my father repeatedly asked whether he had seen my sister well and if he is ok with the somewhat dark complexion.Idli upma seemed to laugh at the bajji and Sojji served earlier to all the ten viewers.
    For the other girls, my mother stopped preparing kesari and bajji and changed the menu to idli and sarkarai pongal.

    My husband was very particular in marrying the first girl he saw and he wanted to marry a girl from a joint family with a lower middle class back ground,my in-law's family had decided to go ahead on matching of these views.Along with his sister,niece and aunt they came to Akilandeswari temple. I went there along with my parents and periappa.My parents talked to them in the outer prakaram of the temple.My Amma had brought sarkarai pongal in a dubba and gave it to them.Nischayathartham was performed in a simpler style at the groom's residence.We had an over all idea about the family and the boy.We never spoke to each other before marriage.
    We can write essays on this girl viewing ceremony.I think the custom is slowly vanishing.

    jayasala 42
     
  3. Agatha83

    Agatha83 Finest Post Winner

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    Dear Viswa,

    When I was writing down this snippet I realised how naive I was, compared to what I am today. I could have said a simple no to all the nonsense and could have got away from all the nasty experiences I had to go through. Coming from a conservative family there was no way I could learn about chemistry between human beings.
    My mother a young widow was strictly prohibited from taking an active part in the matrimonial process. So it was my grand mother's word which was the rule in the house, and it was her over enthusiasm which saw complete strangers making merry at our cost.
    Even in the 80s when my sis in law was looking for a groom for her daughter who was a probationary officer in a bank, I noted many alliances asking for reimbursement as the girl was settled in an extremely north eastern part of India.
    Two extremely different personalities staying together under the same roof for 45 years, calls for immense patience, a lot of give and take and a thorough understanding of each other's personalities. Finding the right person in an arranged marriage may not be possible always, but living with a person with completely different set of attitudes and mind sets is possible- if both are willing to make the marriage work!

    Agatha83
     
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  4. PushpavalliSrinivasan

    PushpavalliSrinivasan IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Agatha,
    I have underwent about three penn parkkum padalam. One lady came unannounced when I was having my periods and saw me at the terrace of our house though my mother was not inclined to allow her, but had to give in due to her persistence. She brought her elder son's 8/9 year old daughter along with her and was telling her this girl going to be your would be chithi. But it didn't click because one of our relatives objected saying there was some out of caste marriage in the family.
    For our two sons we have seen only one girl as they said they didn't like to go and see many girls. Both my sons are very fair, but both my dils are dark copmplexioned.
    For our daughter we had two alliances and the second one clicked.
    PS
     
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  5. Agatha83

    Agatha83 Finest Post Winner

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    Dear. Jayasala,

    Even after 4 decades, I find the obsession for fair skin is ingrained in the minds of Indian male, so much so that they keep on rejecting even the most charming, professionally qualified girls, on the grounds of complexion..What happened to your sister is simply a miracle and I wonder if I would have been so smart in her place to deal with such a delicate situation. I wish more men like your DH are very sure about their preferences, and come out in the open, rather then beating around the bush, thereby putting others in to painful situations.

    After recent findings of people with different sexual orientation, the institution of marriage itself is at crossroads!

    Agatha83
     
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  6. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @Agatha83
    Dear Agatha
    Looking at Agatha83, I somehow concluded that must be 1983 born but your
    came as a great surprise. I started wondering if I had been giving you due respect in all my messages to you! But you are still quite my junior and I can legitimately bless you!
    My wife is the first girl I viewed for matrimony and on the bride seeing day, as I was tasting the Sojji and Bajji, she started singing 'Unnai saran adainthen' (I have surrendered to you) accompanied by her elder sister. It was possibly to support her in case she forgot the lines of the song. Her resourcefulness attracted me. I knew that she would always have a buffer if ever we ran into any difficulty in our day to day life. She can't converse in English but that was never a problem for her. My English speaking colleagues found it easier to communicate with her than me!
    Sri
     
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  7. Agatha83

    Agatha83 Finest Post Winner

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    Dear PS,

    Thank you for bringing to my notice another humiliating experience we all had to go through during those 3 days of every month. Now most of the houses, I think have got rid of this humiliating practice.
    I am happy to hear from you that a dusky complexion didn't come in the way while choosing your DILs. Down south, I have seen the most beautiful girls having a dusky complexion, which only added more to their charm.
    Nowadays we see a lot of intercontinental romances and marriages taking place, with people belonging to different continents, tying the nuptial knot!

    Agatha83
     
  8. Agatha83

    Agatha83 Finest Post Winner

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    Dear Cheeniya Sir,

    The number 83 tagged with my name has nothing to do with my year of birth. I am 65 years old now, not a year less or more. Not fond of colouring my hair, the grey brittle hair
    screams my age, even with the best makeup. I assure you I am still your junior in all aspects! Only the most privileged, be it in the real or virtual world, can receive your blessings and I am happy to be the most fortunate one!

    I think Mrs. Cheeniya is patience embodied, for one needs a lot of tolerance to lead a life with intelligent people, under the same roof. I always wonder what poor Mrs. Cheeniya would be doing when you are busy hammering the keys of your comp, day in and out.
    Visualising the future, must be she chose the right lines of the song- ninnai saranaindenthen!
    I can imagine your English speaking friends having a gala time at Mrs. Cheeniya' kitchen, tasting all the lip smacking delicacies she makes, leaving the kitchen with a satisfied belching! Best communication needs no language!
    Regards,
    Agatha83
     
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  9. SCSusila

    SCSusila Finest Post Winner

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    Nice reading about the formalities of older times . Which can be so irritating and uncomfortable for the bride involved. What tamasha they made then with this bride-seeing ceremony ! I hated it , but had to go through it like dumb cattle because of family pressure . But thankfully , it was only once and I got married to that only one who came to " see " me .
    I am so happy to note that now a days , it is more relaxed , the boy and girl and familes meet in more pleasant circumstances without making the girl feel like a exhibit .

    What you say about long lasting marriages is very true . There has to be lots of adjustments and give and take from both sides . Otherwise , marriage will be like prison .
     
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  10. Agatha83

    Agatha83 Finest Post Winner

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    Dear SCSushila,

    Welcome to my blog space with your first comment. Now looking back at all the Tamasha that took place, I feel I could have averted it If onlyI had been more assertive. The education didn't give me the confidence to face the eventualities, one thing, which I find a good number of the present generation of girls possessing.When I read about the latest news of a husband cutting off his wife's head and carrying it to the police station, I wondered what marriage has come to!

    Agatha83
     
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