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'its All For You'

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Meghaa, Jul 21, 2017.

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  1. Jul 21, 2017 #1
    Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    Case in point : Inheritance in the form of properties. Parents claim its all for you (what remains unsaid: but they will have control over it for as long as they live)
    But now , since the son/DIL are working and making cash, they have to pay for building a house. Flight tickets etc...
    It maybe true that they will not squander away the properties ( and they could have if they wanted to and struggled when the kids are young to hold on to it )
    But really - whats the point of having properties , if you cant sell them for important things like building a house? Or some very expensive medical bills? Or paying off a student loan( after the said student has a job and proven to be responsible)
     
    Meghaa, Jul 21, 2017
    Meghaa, Jul 21, 2017
    #1
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  2. Jul 21, 2017 #2
    Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    They lease (or sell) you the land, and you put up a structure. You pay to build it and register it in your name. Rent it to PIL's or parents, for, may be Re 1/- per month. Let them pay the utility bills, perhaps with your help if they need it. And eventually the land/house comes to you anyhow. eh?
     
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2017
    Nonya, Jul 21, 2017
    Nonya, Jul 21, 2017
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  3. Jul 21, 2017 #3
    MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Are your parents asking you to pay to build their house despite being able to afford it? In that case just say no.
     
    MalStrom, Jul 21, 2017
    MalStrom, Jul 21, 2017
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  4. Jul 21, 2017 #4
    Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    Parents built with their own money, but brother did contribute a considerable amount.
    I contributed a much smaller amount - just as a gift to them.The understanding is that eventually the house will go to my brother.

    Husband on the other hand - is paying 50% for the house in laws are building ( extravagant IMO).. Idk what happened between them. But he says he was put in a spot by his father and brother - and he couldnt say no.
    He keeps trying to convince that it is 'our' home .. FIL has inherited land which would fetch a lot of money. Why cant they sell one small tiny piece and pay for the house instead of draining cash reserves from the son?
    IMO - its just to show off and also a control issue (FIL would love to tell his peers that he manages both his sons' money , but that isnt happening) I feel like they used the 'house for us' sentiment. And something about them not being able to do it back in the day ...

    I am trying not to let it affect my peace. Its not that we are completely paralysed by it But with medical expenses and buying our own house, its defintely a strain. Besides, I think if the money was invested , it would make more money (for us)
     
    Meghaa, Jul 21, 2017
    Meghaa, Jul 21, 2017
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  5. Jul 21, 2017 #5
    Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    Its not just that - they can afford to pay for flight tickets but they wont. They can afford to buy cars ( this my parents) but they wont. Somehow these are luxuries and 'kids' are 'supposed' to indulge them. Granted its only recently that they are able to afford all of this. Meanwhile they will hold on to their investments to 'pass on'..
    I dont want your properties - live it up , I dont care.. Just dont make me spend my cash reserve..
    I have had that conversation with my parents - told them they can sell the land they want to give me to buy cars/travel/build a house whatever (Its more cash than I can come up with in years)... But no they wont. Because they want (people?) to know they 'left something' for children...
    This living to meet some standards set by no one knows who is infuriating

    I am assuming the same is true with my FIL.. He wants a house but he doesnt want to feel like he spent some land to indulge in a house. So he tells everyone , my kids asked for a house ( BIL did, but its not that FIL dint want it)
     
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2017
    Meghaa, Jul 21, 2017
    Meghaa, Jul 21, 2017
    #5
  6. Jul 21, 2017 #6
    SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Problem is... These sons treats their fathers like Gods. No matter what, they obey them. They would not question or suggest anything to their fathers, believing that their Gods (dads) can never make mistakes.
    It doesn't happen just like that. It is a process. There is a typical way of raising the kids from childhood, which is predominantly practiced in India.
    Instead of just loving, these children are made to respect, and fear their parents. Just like God fearing.
    They won't risk their relationship with parents. They are made to believe, risking the relationship with parents can cause bad future. Just like bad karma or cursing.
    So, no matter what, when with parents, these children switch off their brains.
    They do what they (parents) demand them to do. No matter what, there is no open communication. No problem sharing.
    The parents have some ideas about America... It may be an outdated one. Nevermind, they are going to demand things from their children based on that mind-set only.
    As long as these children nod their head, no matter what, the DILs can do nothing.

    My H, my BILs, My H's friends and so many other guys I know from India are doing the same to their parents.
    Their money demanding parents refuse to understand the pain these children go through in foreign land by undertaking 2 jobs at the risk of spoiling their physical/mental health and family relationships.
    They do not understand hardships these children face in the west due to its cost of living. Some of them don't even have the luxury of domestic helpers, or outside food at least once daily because they are expensive here.
    Many of them are still dwelling with credit cards and loan re-payments.

    Just because they would wear a sun glass, western cloths, complain about sweat and dust, and drink bottled water doesn't mean they are supper rich as if they have a money tree in their garden.
    Many parents do not understand this. Many sons do not openly share their pains with parents either.
     
    SGBV, Jul 21, 2017
    SGBV, Jul 21, 2017
    #6
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  7. Jul 21, 2017 #7
    Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    I completely agree with you. MY parents bought a house, without actually asking me, and while they are paying for most of it, they feel i should contribute atleast a little , because this is for me in the future. Even though they are asking me only to contribute a little, they are not able to understand that small amount is still a drain for me , because i dont make much and live in a very expensive city. All the extra i save i want to spend on things that bring me joy like travel etc... I dont care about a house which i dont know whether i will ever live in... i asked them to use the gold they had saved for me on the house, but they got so offended by it, which again i dont understand. That gold in a locker somewhere is of no use to me, the little extra savings i have is more important to me... I am so annoyed why parents cant understand these things.
     
    Shreema86, Jul 21, 2017
    Shreema86, Jul 21, 2017
    #7
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  8. Jul 22, 2017 #8
    Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    Exactly my probem!! They want to control not just our savings but also our spending
     
    Meghaa, Jul 22, 2017
    Meghaa, Jul 22, 2017
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  9. Jul 22, 2017 #9
    Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    I agree - this has been ingrained from day one.. Even now there is so much drama when DH disagrees with his father. He is actually the son who doesnt 'listen to his father'<eye roll>
    DH pulled back from investing in something (affordable and both of us were very interested) just because his Dad created drama..
    I am not able to forgive this and move on - I am making my displeasure known to DH in very clear terms. But I aso dont need this to affect our relationship. Although in laws are nice to me , my conversations with them have reduced drastically ever since this house has started
     
    Meghaa, Jul 22, 2017
    Meghaa, Jul 22, 2017
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  10. Jul 22, 2017 #10
    Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    Setting this expectation is wrong for both parents and children.
    On one end parents feel like they are entitled to their children's money because they are passing on their life's savings to the children.
    Then there are children who would feel like they are entitled to parents/in-laws properties.
     
    Meghaa, Jul 22, 2017
    Meghaa, Jul 22, 2017
    #10
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