It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his back?

Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

Dear Priya

Thanks for the reply, I liked the way you understands things from different points of view... But for your above question... I have a different answer.. May be I am wrong here.

I had helped my family by all the possible ways, that includes financial assistance prior to my marriage. I never thought that I need to save my pre marriage earnings for "MY FUTURE FAMILY". My FOO was my immediate family then, so I did everything as much as I could. But after marriage, there were days where my FOO was in a tight financial situation for some days after my dad's sudden demise. The accounts were not properly managed, hence my mom had a bad time with the bank to recover everything. Those days, I end up supporting them financially, but it was not like unlimited money transfers. Be it a gift for my sister's wedding, or shopping or whatever it is, I made my husband aware of my expenses and got his permission prior to spend them. Moreover I used my hard earned money for those expenses and not from his savings.. Above all, I had limitations as to how much I could do to my extended family, so I didnt cross my lines. Moreover, my parents have returned most of loans (actually I gave them as a support, but they took it as a loan for the time being) once the bank matters were cleared up.

But his case is different... I am aware that he used to support his family on various things such as buying expensive gifts, furniture etc..etc.. I am aware that he spent a lot for his younger brother's studies and the elder one's visa processing matters.
I never questioned him about them though all the expenses were made by my earnings from the joint acc (those days I thought its our money and not just mine). But I am upset as to why he has to spend our money for such unlimited needs and also without my knowledge. Its like he has taken such a huge money for their luxury demands from my account without informing me plus he has been doing the regular helps/gifts like me with my knowledge.

Anyway, past is past... There is no point in asking deep questions about this matter.. But as you said, I have come to a conclusion that my hubby must have made this mistake to win his parent's long lost love and he must have used my blinded love for granted. His selfishness, and his irresponsibility nature must have added more fuel to this fire. Besides my MIL's cunning moves and interference and my FIL's demands have made everything clumsy. If my DH is a reasonable person, things would have been different... But it is his nature that has made all the damages.

I have clearly explained this to him... He seems understanding... But the rest is still a question mark?
Though my parents were financially well off than his, there were days where my parents needed extra help.

 

Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

Initially I wanted to suggest him see a doctor, but i never had enough guts to say it openly. I knew that he was so unpredictable, hence anything could happen if I ask for something of that sort. Also, there were so many ego and MIL manipulative issues, so there was no way that I could find to make him consult a doctor.

But now, he is with me... and says that he is ready to cut off the ties with my in laws. His vulnerable state is a great chance for me to fix his mental issues. Last night I made him understand that he has changed a lot... His hair style, dressing, the way of talks, style everything has been changed. A couple of years back my husband looked like a Hero, but now he looks like a very old poor villager.. I mean the dressing, shaving, talks and style... I asked him why? He said he doesnt know, but accept the changes.

Also, earlier he is very tempered person.. No one dare to talk to him on negative things, even me too.. But now, he doesnt care of any talks, even if it is an insult.. He forgets them and start talking nicely with the person who insulted him... This is strange na?

On this ground, I have asked him to consult a doctor... He didnt say anything, but I am going to talk abt it soon once again without hurting his ego...

 

Re: It is possible for a grown up man to NOT understand what is going on behind his b

After the deep discussion with me, he now tries to come out... He has agreed to change his dressing and hair style. Also he has started making efforts to apply for jobs. This sounds nice for the time being.

He apologized for all the mistakes,specially his responsibilities towards me and kid when my MIL abused us verbally and emotionally. Also understood that he never tried to behave like a reasonable husband by taking the responsibility of our home. Its enough for me.. I thought just the understanding it self is enough to prevent future mistakes on the same grounds.

But after a few hours, he started talking about inviting his brothers over here for a party and then visiting his parents home with my kid and stuff like that. He was so casual though, but it made me feel like hell... How can a normal person to even imagine such a mingling stuff after understanding all these issues and my hatrat feelings towards them? He looks so responsible and not understanding now... Looks like a small boy who can not take such a huge matters into his head, but due to the circumstances he nods his head towards me.

Oh.. God.. When I got upset for this, he apologized again and said he didnt think about it seriously, but will discuss anything with me before doing it, so I can correct him accordingly... and he will listen to me... God..