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It’s We Who End Up Alone...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by anika987, Feb 13, 2020.

  1. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Thank you.

    Problem is when she comes To USA,she feels it is her son’s home and she will
    Sit with legs crossed 24/7 and just sit and judge me.

    It is so irritating when she even comments the way I stand and the way I walk!!

    She will not cook but if at all she wants,am Supposed to cut all the veggies and keep everything ready.

    She likes to join us when we go
    Outside,movies,vacations and restaurants(only Indian) but any little help she won’t do.

    When she comes here,I have to ask permission even to a grocery store! According to her..am enjoying myself and that is entertainment..

    Just writing about her makes my boood boil.

    If I may say one thing..I usually avoid people am not comfortable with coz I believe “hate is a strong word”.so I maintain a distance..

    With the mil..it is tough and I feel
    Extremely irritated with her.

    I just don’t want to even be around her but as I said..I won’t stop my husband and my kid from meeting her or even financial help.

    Just little worried with kid as she is vulnerable and for a child when someone says someThing sweet,they will be loved.
    My MIL speaks like honey.
     
  2. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    Anika.

    I am being honest, I think you need some positivity therapy than the job right now. You are successfully finding misery in things you shouldnt!. Addiction to misery is a real thing.

    Didnt mean to be mean but I am sure people will agree.
     
  3. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Visits from the parents' gen' usually gives worries about healthcare in America, and whether or not the visitors would require a chunk of the already busy lives of the children who live in America. You have a completely different issue heavy on your mind.

    Interaction of your child with honey-tongued MIL has to be watched carefully, so that if there is to be some subliminal planting of messages into the little brain, on the subjects of how the daughter-in-law is deficient in so many ways, the OP might end up with additional tussles with the child after the child's grandparents go back. How can a parent monitor this kind of interaction ? CC TV ? There are youtube videos on how to install a multi-camera monitoring setup and use it with a DVR. The parent may also adequately prepare the child before the homestay guest arrive.
     
    AmulB and anika987 like this.
  4. ragzz

    ragzz Silver IL'ite

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    This is where something like a Bhagwad Gita (other religions have other such as well) helps. Not 100% help since the understanding needs guidance of a right Guru but still helps. Viswa has written about such topics (incl Guru) in many threads.
     
  5. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Are you concerned about MIL bad mouthing you to your child?

    I have been married for about as long as you and in these 13-ish years, what I have noticed is as I grow older, my anger seems to diminish, probably because I see that it takes up a lot of my time and energy to keep focusing on little things. Constantly trying to establish some kind of dominance over my home and space, it seems like it is all coming from a place of insecurity in myself and not something that others cause in me.

    My MIL tends to do that as well. Not comment on walking/talking etc., but just on how I might interact with my husband or how I deal with my child. It used to irritate me a lot and I felt like I had to prove to her that my way was correct. But now, I just acknowledge her and continute to do what I do, how I do it. ONce that moment passes, we are both over it and trust me, that has brought about a lot of peace for both me and her.

    Going to the grocery store, is it actually permission or just informing her that you are thinking as asking for permission? When my in-laws or my parents are here, I usually just say "amma, poittu varen. Edhavadhu vaaindu varanuma" (ma, I am leaving. DO you need me to get anything) or ask them if they want to come with me when I go to the stores. Sometimes, my MIL will comment if I pick up stuff that she thinks is expensive which I just either ignore or change the topic to something else!!

    Sometimes, I think we tend to use what we call "boodhakannadi" (magnifying glass) to examine another person's behavior, so much so that even normal stuff looks very magnified causing us to attach unnecessary meaning and thinking that it is all directed at you. Just be chill and your normal self. May be not reacting to stuff she might say would give you some peace!
     
    anika987 likes this.
  6. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    It’s open to interpretation. That’s my opinion about it. Even with a Guru, what is right for their path is not always bright for yours.
     
    Roar, anika987, Rihana and 1 other person like this.
  7. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    This is the crux of life. The characters changes and events and incident changes but this will keep happening again and again that is the cycle of life .
     
    anika987 likes this.
  8. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    It is true, she is visiting her son's home. So, she must have all the rights and freedom to stay there. But that doesn't mean she can boss you around.
    Her son's home is your own home. No one can boss you or treat you badly at your own home. Period.

    No one can change an old lady, who feels entitled this way.
    But you can change yourself, and change the way how you respond to her reckless behavior.

    If she sits idle with crossed legs, let her be.
    If she judges you, stop her then and there. Be firm, yet be gentle in your tone.
    Tell her that you don't like to be judged or compared. Make your comment short, and then leave the place.
    Don't entertain her further.

    Take her wherever she wants to go, as long as you are ok with going together.
    If you feel she is not needed in certain places, tell her openly. Avoid her presence tactfully by changing your routes or plans.
    She doesn't have to know all the details of your life.
    You should be in control of what you share and what not with others.

    I doubt whether you really need to ask her permission for anything in your home. In fact, I don't ask my H's permission for anything, rather just inform him or discuss openly about my plans with him for his opinion. As an adult I believe I have the right to opine and decide.
    But I always inform everyone about what I do. Be it my mom or MIL or whoever that visit our home get to know the details of what I do, or where I go. How much detail should be shared is very much subjective to person to person though.
    There is no harm in informing MIL that you go out for shopping or gym or movie or whatever....
    Ask her whether she is interested to join... Ask her whether she needs anything on your way back.
    But don't seek her permission.. It is ridiculous to seek permission from X and Y and Z to live our adult life.

    And if she comments that you are enjoying your life... take her comment as a complement.
    In fact, it is everyone's dream to enjoy their life. Life is to live and be happy.
    Tell her that you take immense effort to enjoy your life here, and want the same for your daughter as well.
    Though you know she has an hidden meaning to whatever she means, but don't show your disappointment in your face.
    Living happily, and showing that you are enjoying your life to the fullest is the biggest revenge for whatever the inconvenience your MIL caused you.
    So, always make sure that you are happy in your own home, and that you don't really take her comments or criticism to your heart... rather live your life as per your own choice. That would eventually shut her off....
     

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