It’s Tough to Be Working Mommy

Moumita1 · May 21, 2011

If motherhood is difficult for a working mom everywhere in the world, it may be actually much tougher in India, where there’s a huge lack of social support for mothers who work.

In the days of nuclear families, there are always a lack of professional child minders in India. When Savita’s elder child had nightmares in his dream at the tender age of six, Savita was worried. A teacher by profession, she had no option but to leave her two children with a babysitter for almost eight hours a day. The nightmares reached a peak when the child had waken up sweating and screaming. It was when Savita decided to take him to a doctor, and on doctor’s suggestion, she started a conversation with her child. She was horrified at the results. Little Harish used to be regularly locked up in his room, hit and threatened with dire consequences if he talks, by his babysitter. Savita had sacked the babysitter, and resigned from her job. Clearly, babysitting in India is yet to get to professionalism of the west.

I know of many such mothers who had given up working to be at home. And I have seen equally same numbers of mothers who have not given up their job in spite of all odds. Veena had sent her two year old to stay with her parents when she worked for a full one and half years, for there was no baby sitter available for the little one. She had somehow managed to cope with her seven year old son, her work and her household. So did my friend Shyama, and Neeti. And these are only examples I know of. There must be so many of them I am not even aware of, mommies, who had decided to stay away from their children to earn money.

And there are moms who stayed with their children, looked after the house and worked through all parenting hiccups like sickness and exam time. In my extended family, all moms work in our generation. My sisters, cousins, sisters-in law, every one of them is working mother, who feel split between raising a family and becoming top notch professionals they are capable of. All of them nurture this huge size of guilt for being away from their children, and feel constantly pressurised to conform to the social norm of looking after the household, at the cost of being a thorough professional at work.

And then there is the society, ready to point that accusing finger to the working mommy. The child falls sick, or the husband misses his lunch, it’s the working mom who must be blamed for giving less than 100 percent at home. Sometimes it’s the stay-at-home moms who revel in this entire blame game. After all, a mom who has stayed at home has made the ultimate sacrifice for her children and her family, deserves the praise for all that is quintessentially women. Even she thinks it’s not a woman’s place to deny her time and energy to her family for sake of a pay check, or a career growth prospect. At least that’s what I have heard from my mom or my mother-in-law, both of whom were stay-at-home moms.

While no one denies that being a mother is not easy, people almost always feel working moms have it all, the money, the family, the identity, and the confidence. I wish they knew about the pain, the guilt, the gruelling hours at work and at home, and the sleeplessness that often become part of your life when you work and raise a family, and the tiredness that almost becomes routine. It seems to me that moms who earn are very brave, for they had decided to tackle a situation head-on, and not wait for things to happen.[FONT=&quot] And its time our society views things differently. [/FONT]

satchitananda · May 21, 2011

Moumita, I whole-heartedly agree that mothers today have it really tough if they choose to work and bring up the child. Unfortunately in our country we still don't have the back-up systems of good babysitting facilities, part time jobs for mothers which would enable them to fulfil their ambitions to further their careers while also having enough time to spend with the child and so on. Until such safeguards are put in place, it will continue to be a tough spot for mothers to be in.

hridhaya · May 21, 2011

Well Said Moumita...This has been the recently discussed topic in our house. I think Westerners postpone marriage/kid because they want to give their 100% to career. Am I right? In India, parents and family try to get the girls married off at a much younger age. Parents are always in a hurry.

I think if a person is creative and self-employed, then this problem can be avoided to some extent. you can set your own rules.

iyerviji · May 21, 2011

Moumita dear I fully agree with you about the problems working mothers have to face becasue I was also a working mother before becoming mother worked for 13 years and after becoming mother worked for 25 years .

In the beginning had a lady for whom noone was there to look after and her husband had left her. For a year or so my mother was also there . This lady was very slow in her work . We used to look after her like a family member, putting her salary in the bank, giving her saree etc. but she never used to be happy and sometimes used to act as if she is the second wife to my husband. Feeling sorry for her he used to take care of her and she used to take advantage of that. Since we were not getting any reliable person, we used to manage with her, I could not leave my job also due to finance condition and I had three children to look after , only one and half years between them. After some years she left us . Then another young girl came who also after getting all the facilities from us did not stay for long. By that time my two children had gone to the secondary and my younger daughter was in fourth standard and they used to manage themselves. We used to feel sorry for my younger daughter as she used to have morning school and her sister and brother afternoon shift. She used to feel bored being alone at home, after eating she used to go to sleep and luckily my husband used to come running from office by 4.30 p.m. He had Wednesday off and me Saturday and Sunday. So somehow we could manage.

During exams I used to go late to office and so many times I had to take leave for marriages etc being the eldest daughter in law. Now if I think of those days feel how I managed.

Sorry for the long post. You brought me back memories of my working days.

sureshmiyer · May 22, 2011

to be a working mom is very tricky. my wife often faces lots of stress due to her strenous office routine as well as responsibilities at home

mssunitha2001 · May 22, 2011

Dear Moumita

Superb blog dear !!!! :cheers

I was working for 16 years....My kids were looked after both my mil and mum. So never had any sort of tensions.

I resigned my job 4 years ago to be together as a family over here....Initially I missed my job, office friends and my paycheck. But now after 4 years i feel so scared to leave my kids alone at home and go for job....credit to newschannels. such horrible news popping everyday....

I think that insecure feeling has come bcos i stayed at home for a bit too long and so i feel too concerned about the kids safety and comfort. Instead..had I gone for job as soon as I landed here it would have become a normal routine for us and kids alike...

But now...my kids want me at home for them all time and anytime.

sreemanavaneeth · May 22, 2011

Dear Moumita,

Too Good summarised your feelings in a well manner. still now i am working. My MIL is taking care of my daughter from the day one again i have joined duty after she born. I did not worry for anything. Now a days really working ladies are finding difficult to manage their children. Elderly people in the family should think and should take care of their grand children which will help the children as well as their DIL and their son to come up in their life financially without any tension. This mind set is not there in most of the families. Hence the working women are facing problem and they are loosing their health also. Nice Blog dear and to be thought in all the families.

csaigeetha · May 22, 2011

Moumitha, u said it! I am in that situation. My kid is with my Mil and so am a bit tension free about her well being as she cares her a lot. But its that mother in me who really wants to be with her being the centre of attraction to my kid and the possessiveness I have eats me a lot! Its disgusting when you return from your work to see someone feeding your kid and she calling her amma even though u know its all your rights and still have to keep quiet for your kids betterment.

ILoveTulips · May 22, 2011

Dear Moumita,

Every working mom's difficulties were neatly summarised in this blog of yours. Those were quite unfortunate experiences with the babysitters.

And then there is the society, ready to point that accusing finger to the working mommy. The child falls sick, or the husband misses his lunch, it’s the working mom who must be blamed for giving less than 100 percent at home.
Click to expand...

I am not a mom yet, but I face these pin points after getting married.

While no one denies that being a mother is not easy, people almost always feel working moms have it all, the money, the family, the identity, and the confidence. I wish they knew about the pain, the guilt, the gruelling hours at work and at home, and the sleeplessness that often become part of your life when you work and raise a family, and the tiredness that almost becomes routine.
Click to expand...

Very true.

Agreeing to everything you said, I want to add few more points on behalf of the working moms living in abroad. Honey, its truly tougher than one can imagine. First of all, not every family can afford babysitters, which would be at least 35% of ones salary. Second, not everybody's parents or ILs would be willing to come there and stay with them. Couples staying in abroad with no friends or neighbors to speak, have to live every minute worrying who would they seek for help in case of an emergency. But at least there is no fault-pin-pointing-society. Few of them even send the kids to India. Can't think of it!

Yes as you said, I really wish society just understands the pain of the working women and don't think them as 'have-it-all' creatures...

ilt

AkilaMani · May 22, 2011

Dear Moumita,

You have beautifully summed up the issues faced by working moms. Being a working mom myself, i can say you are 100% spot on. For everything that happens or does not happen, the working mom is the one to be blamed and not to forget the guilt that we carry for having missed out on so many things!!

People certainly think that we have it all, but if they care to look carefully, they will see the pain and the struggle that we undergo and appreciate the efforts we put forth.

Akila

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