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Issues in living daily life and things

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by dhivyacc, Apr 1, 2016.

  1. dhivyacc

    dhivyacc Silver IL'ite

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    Hello Ladies,

    I am a silent listener of this forum.
    I had & have so many family issues.... but living with it...

    for the past few days my mind is thinking about the same....

    the problem is mine is arranged marriage and from the start,it dint work out with the in-law family. but still coping up somehow...

    My father use to speak for rights. but that is causing the problem and they keep blaming....

    so i reduced gping there to my hometown... any situation , some problem wil come and moreover me & my parental family will be the reason...

    and my spouse wont come to my parents house... at the same time being elder daughter to my home, i feel that i should go and see my parents so me and my children used to go and come....

    its around 2 years my spouse not visiting home... what my dad ask is whatever happened atleast your spouse should come and drop you , whatever mistake we did etc...

    but my spouse is like they have to come and talk to me and say sorry to me because they are girl's parents and they did mistake etc... the mistake he refers is my dad stood up for my rights, in my spouse family they wil respect if the girl is their daughter /sister and that wont be applicable to DILs.


    Now recently i got leg injury, and after that its becoming hard to go by walk and so my parents said atleast say ok now so that we can buy 2 wheeler for you.. you can get back the confidence and drive again like that....

    what my spouse says is , i already told to your family that they can do anything to children & you. dont need to do anything foor my home. if they get 2 wheeler for you, its well and good and you get it... But if any problem for that and any help needed then dont ask me and i wont touch r help in that regard....

    Ladies i tried so hard to make him understand that every one will make mistake and why dont you forgive etc.... but what he says is i gave so mny chances to your parents to behave properly but they failed, now i cant do anything like that....

    I dont know how to fix this.... i keep praying to god. My dad is a Ex-army person and my mom health supervisor both are retired and living in home town me and my sister living here in...

    we as software guys , these kind a family problems killing....
     
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  2. sonal1611

    sonal1611 Gold IL'ite

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    IGNORE...IGNORE...IGNORE...
    Dont think so much .. Nothing will happen with thinking .. what cant be undone..
     
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  3. Telja

    Telja Silver IL'ite

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    Some guys give more importance to their stand and will never come down level..they give more value to their status and pride .. in front of that nothing give important .. even wife or parents ...
     
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  4. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Op,

    Hugs to you. The issues are very sensitive and you being sandwiched here. Mine is similar case where my mom stood up for my rights and now neither my H nor my MIL talks to my mom properly. My H will visit my parents place only when there is a need.

    My view or solution is that you need to be independent in taking decisions. You are not happy now. So, there is no point in waiting for someone to do things for you. If you are financially independent, by a 2 wheeler for yourself. Else, ask your H to buy one. If he rejects, then tell that you will take loan from your parents and buy 2 wheeler and later return the money to them.

    Here your H needs to feel that he is the king and that everyone is under his control. The shortcut is, you can make him feel like one for few years down the lane until things settle down and by then you will get to see if things are improving. Or be bold and independent at your house. This is long term but really beneficial.

    Parents have modern views and think that daughter and son in law should be treated equally. But the world hasn't changed in reality. Daughter and son are treated equally and not DIL and SNIL. My grandmom(mom's mom) is the sweetest person in the world according to me as she helps my mom a lot. But the same grandmom treats her DIL differently and seldom helps her.
    Tell your parents that you are old enough and bold enough to stand up for yourself. Tell them to not interfere in your family life for sometime. See, even we won't like in-laws involving on our family life. same goes vice-versa. Also, if you feel like going to parents place. Just go. Don't wait for your H to accompany you or give permission to you. There is no point in losing your precious time with you parents on someone(your H) who doesn't understand you.
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...such people are a bane of Indian society.People who expect the wife/dil to live with them and adjust,compromise,but wont have the decency to behave respectfully to this wife's/dil' family.Unfortunately such is our culture.

    You are lucky to have supporting parents.Please do not apologize for them or make them apologize .Do not punish them for standing by you.If your husband can not find the decency to respect them,at least you do it. Be proud of your parents.

    Problem no .1----His not accompanying you to your parents place.
    Let it be.
    You become an independent traveler with your kids.Don't spoil it for yourself,your kids and your parents.Tell your parents not to bother eithr.

    Plan well in advance.Book tickets well in advance so they are confirmed.
    Plan the journey.
    Keep books ,games and snacks for the kids+ a small first aid kit with basic medicines.
    Turn your journey into a fun outing. If you plan well and are confident,you will have lots of fun.
    Let your husband miss the fun.
    Take plenty of photographs of the journey ad vacations and post on facebook.(If you are the kind who likes doing it).Send them to friends.

    Problem no 2---Two wheeler and it's maintenance.
    These days it is no longer a job only men can do.
    Look for a two wheeler with reputed company with a good after sales service record.Read up reviews on Internet.Find one that has a service center close by.Take the two wheeler for regular servicing.These days,they even pick up and drop the vehicles at home. Keep the number of the service center handy.Keep a few numbers of other two wheeler repair guys around your place. It is not difficult to maintain a new two wheeler.

    Op...such people will respect you only when you become less dependent on them for your basic happiness.

    If he doesn't want to interact with your family,it is his loss.Go for vcations as many times as you can.Don't deprive your parents of your company nd your children's company.

    Keep good relations with your sister too and meet her and her family often too with the kids. Don't let such things cut you out from your family of birth that is your support system.

    Best wishes OP.
     
  6. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,

    What was the real problem between your DH & your parents? you are saying your parents stood up for your rights, but may be for your DH that would be like an interference.....so without knowing what happened between your parents & DH it's difficult to form an opinion or suggest any solution to your current problem.
     
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  7. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, Your husband is trying to alienate you from your parents. He wants all the benefits from your parents but no reciprocation from you. You on the other hand shud come to grips with situation. Your husband wont budge even if you keep heeding to him. See you reduced your visits to your parents, has it put you in good light with him. He is holding on to some thing your dad said in the past and making you suffer.

    I have a feeling your hubby is a very insecure person who wants your parents to apologize to make himself look good. Do you have a daughter? If yes, then tables will pretty soon turn on him too. Your kids will miss formative yrs with your parents. Don't sacrifice it for your hubby's foolishness. Let them spend time with your parents.

    You need to buckle up and start turning deaf ears to your hubby. You are in a way enabling his behavior.Start ignoring him big time. Tell your parents a holiday with them is a break for you and kids and you don't want your hubby coming to drop you off. Tell them to stop making themselves look like victims. They did nothing wrong and let your hubby live in his bubble of mistakes he think your dad did.

    There is a first time for everything. Ask your friends around and find somebody who will service a two wheeler you have in mind. Never ask your hubby for help. Take one step and rest will follow. Stop heeding to your hubby. Once he sees you are managing all these tantrums of his will stop. Good Luck.
     
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