Issues Due To Wedding Expenses

Hi OP,

I do not know how much advice anyone can give on this matter since it is just a vent out and eventually it will fade down.
Every wedding brings such issues. Even if both parties do 50 -50 % something else arises. It is common..very common.
Btw, traditionally girl's side are supposed to bear all the expenses ( as boys get inheritance) and whatever they do is "called" less as there will be someone else in the neighborhood, some other parent doing/spending much more for girl. So there will always be comparisons and frustations.

Better is to leave the matter and everyone will forget with time. Your H is not going to leave or divorce you for this. Btw, my H does not like to be at my parents place for a day. We are 1000 miles apart ( ILs and my place so he has to make a day's stay).

My H is also like that. He never stays at my place inspite of so much respect he gets, he never appreciates. He family or friends on other hand, is all he cares. This is causing me going more towards my parents and in turn causing him more hatred ( competition) towards my parents.
Whole point of me telling you this is - thats how men are made and this relationship is. No matter your parents furnish him in gold, he is never going to like them. Those gem of men are rare to find. I heard a few are there ..but mine is not. They somehow take it a competition or challenge. Just like women feel against MIL.

 

A wedding is for a day, marriage is for a lifetime.
Your husband and in-laws have become so caught up over one event that they have lost perspective of what is important. Your husband sounds egotistic and frankly immature. If he had a problem with what you said he should have sat down and talked it out, not keep throwing it at you years after the fact. Is he going to continue this all through your married life?
As far as your in-laws go practice the 'in one ear, out the other' policy. Even if your parents did everything perfectly those with a tendency to complain will find fault. And while its good that you were so hospitable, dial it back during their next visit especially since you know their nature now. As for your husband not visiting your parents this is not uncommon. My dad used to do the same, rarely visited his in-laws and would escape like a scalded cat at the earliest opportunity. This was the case even when we lived in the same city. He just didn't feel comfortable there and never spent enough time to actually get used to my very nice maternal grandparents. Mom learned to ignore this behavior and simply visited her parents with us kids in tow, as she pleased.

 

Time will answer everything. See, everyone's marriage will be different. dont compare and Dont ever hear about others(maybe ur friends) comments. for example like " my ILs shared everything with our family"...dont get influenced by others bcos i find that u r also sensitive. Try to be nice to him..This Doesn't mean that u r bending towards his orders...NO....Sometimes, we have to be nice to catch up our position and earn husbands understanding....Let him not come to ur parents house...it is ok...bcos certain things may take time to heal. dont ever rise up issue abt ur fathers bearing of expenses for the marriage...as this will aggravate the issue...be patient everything will become alright..

 

Dear OP,

You didn't do anything wrong, but as you said timing was not good. May be your DH is over sensitive and took your words to heart.

Nothing much can be done in this situation, except explaining to your DH how your relation is getting deteriorated day by day due to this expenses issue and how much gap it created between both of you and both set of parents.

Speak to him and tell him how you are feeling. Explain to him your intention behind asking about the wedding expenses, tell him that past is past and better start life a fresh.

 

Op...this is the mistake you made.
Why did you apologize ? You were right.By apologizing ,you turned the 'right' into a 'wrong' .Bad timing or not...it was not wrong . You apologized and made it look like 'wrong'.
You have given your husband an excuse to control you now.He is using your apology like a rope and dragging you with it.

Stop apologizing .Period.
If he behaves badly with in laws...let him.It is between him and his parents.They are the ones who raised him. Stop apologizing to them for his bad behavior.
why should he stop this nonsense? He misbehaves with them,you feel bad and apologize on his behalf .He gets to have what he wants.Why should he change?

Let him talk rudely to his mom .You just ignore it and go about your work. If he sees you not apologizing,he will feel like a jerk and he will stop behaving rudely.
Stop the apologies and you take away his power from him.

If the issue of expenses arises either with him or his mother...tell them your parents had to break their back to make his side happy ad you have nothing more to say.

Next time your in laws come....treat them with respect but don't bend over backwards .If he talks rudely to his mom...just move away .

As for not visiting your parents,it's his loss.A guy who can act rudely to his mother to send a message to his wife can behave rudely to your parents too. Think of this as a blessing. You love and care for your parents even more now.

As for expenses....you did try to intervene ,your dad stopped you. Let it go .You could not do anything then. If you are earning....you can help them out financially from time to time.If he took some loan...you can help him pay it back.

 

Enjoying an entire wedding hosted by the bride's parents, and then boasting about how grand THEIR wedding was - by the groom's parents. Hmm....where have I heard this before?? Oh, yes! MY wedding, and thousands of others.
Not a word or thanks about how well-organized it was, or how much time, money and effort went into it.

When you say your IL's are traditional, this comes as a part of the package. I'm sure this expected funding and hosting by girl's parents will continue well into the future - your future baby shower, birth of grandchild, his/her functions, etc, etc.

Never try to make any equation bw a mother and son better with your apologies. They will find their own balance. Go about your routine without any further apologies.