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Issues Due to a friend

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by malarun, Jan 5, 2012.

  1. malarun

    malarun Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks Su, I will try implementing these ideas. I was actually feeling uilty if my thoughs are wrong when she is pregnant, but that for you assurance.
     
  2. malarun

    malarun Gold IL'ite

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    Hi priya,

    This is the exactly same question I asked my husband, I was in India when my husband came to US, I joined him here after 7 months, I was supposed to come 3 months before but he said it is diffcult to stay as family without a car hence he took his time to save for a car and get the license before I came here. But this guy is here from March 2011, and they knew she will be moving here in teh near future but he diod not take any step to do this.

    That is the exact reason why I got angry. My husband is hesitant as she is pregnant, we thought of telling them and that when they said she is pregnant, so he is bit hesitant now.

    Thanks for the suggestion Priya.
     
  3. malarun

    malarun Gold IL'ite

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    Hi renutn,

    You have reflected my thoughts exactly now. Let me try the things you have mentioned.
    Thanks a lot for your reply, it has removed my guilty feeling.

    thanks
    malar
     
  4. cj1980

    cj1980 Gold IL'ite

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    It has been just over 3 weeks since we relocated to the U.S, and I must admit that without the help of my husband's colleagues it would have been a tough time for us in handling the new place, driving conditions, weather, and so on. The place where we stay has no public transport and my DH's workplace is about 25 mins away.

    BUT, my DH and I made it a point not to impose or inconvenience others...for example, my DH's colleague and his wife both work in the same office...so my DH now travels with them to and back from work, making sure his timing does not cause them any unnecessary delay (he's okay to wait if it is the other way around!)...the second thing we did was decide to take a rental car (my DH's Indian license is valid for a year here in MA and thankfully he is this super confident guy who quickly adapts to situations, including driving in the U.S!) during the weekends so that we can do our own shopping and eating out...of course, we had to buy a GPS!

    SO, while it is great that you are helping them out, I think they are sponging off of you and your DH. I suggest they take a rental car or a bus/cab so that they don't cause you unnecessary hardship.

    P.S: I am 2 months preggers and heaven forbid if I use that to create sympathy and take advantage of others!
     
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  5. malarun

    malarun Gold IL'ite

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    Hi SSC,

    I liked the way you have said.
    Both me and my husband help everyone here, thinking we are away from home and we need to help each other. But taking advantage is my concern.

    I had another neighbour, she was pregnant the 2nd time, and I was just looking for jobs and was at home, she used to knock on my door the first thing in the morning and ask for coffee during her first trisemester, I never minded it because when I am not feeling well, she used to take good care of me, I used to help her in her cooking and viceversa and we became best friends she is not there now she went back to India, she used to ask me to cook when she wanted something etc, I either used to be in her house or she is our house... but she always knew her limit and I knew what is my limit. I am not telling about give and take policy but the feeling of understanding, the opposite party gives respect to your thoughts and feelings rather then being selfish.
    This friendship never interferred in my privacy.

    That is what I want, being a friend or even the best buddies is when you understand each other and respect each others privacy.

    This is lacking here in this person that is the reason for my concern.
     
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  6. prashanthi9

    prashanthi9 New IL'ite

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    Nice to see ur helping nature :)

    Help to only those who are worthful...

    bt think once if u r thinking as she's pregnant, sooner or later along wth that couple u need to drop her kid in her school also , u need to take care of her kid also ...as she says im tired plz look after my child , plz cook for me like excuses

    so if they come to ur home assign some works to them....u can ask her to cut veggies to cook , to fold cloths , like some small wrks so that she's busy atleast u can be relaxed ....

    for a change reversly u go to their home and hav lunch or dinner in their home... they'll know the pain in working

    wat ever they say ignore them hav ur privacy .....

    best thing is ignore ....if they are talking also ignore her and talk to ur hubby or simply say i've som work.... make urself busy wth that wrk ....they can understand ...if u say anything directly ....watever u hav done till now is in vain...they'll curse u reversly ....don worry ...be smart :) and ignore 'em after all u have ur own life ... :)
     
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  7. malarun

    malarun Gold IL'ite

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    hi JGVR,

    I tried doing it, but this guy does not get the point, instead he went to office the next day and said my DH dances to my tunes.
    Which really frustrated me and the next day I confronted him and he said I just told that for fun. That is when I was pulled out of the fantasy of helping these people.
     
  8. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Start cutting back on the things under your control first. Stop preparing elaborate meals, make something easy or serve leftovers, if they crib that she is pregnant, say you are tired, have a headache, or not feeling well, still you are doing your best to make something for their sake. Then go inside and take rest. Slowly the dinner visits should decrease.

    Talk to your husband about how long he intends to help them and make him agree to a point at which he will say no more. Maybe that point is in the future. Most likely so. But make him agree to that point.

    When she is cribbing to you, tell her to learn driving, that she has moved here, instead of cribbing she has to learn to make do. Tell the man directly that he shd use this time before baby comes to get his license and buy a car. After baby comes, your other friend has said it will be very tough to manage without a car. Tell them this or that car is v. good. THey shd tke advantage of the deals. Sometimes people get comfortable and need a slight push to move forward. Offer to take them to the dealer to check out cars. Pick a time near the girl's delivery time and tell your boss has told you to be ready for some big project so you people will be too busy with your work. Reference this deadline again and again so they know it is coming up. Offer to help as much as you can before that.
     
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  9. malarun

    malarun Gold IL'ite

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    Hi CJ,

    I get your point, good to see people like you dear.

    I tell you what this girl is not new to US, she has been here for 2 years and this guy is here for almost an year.
    Even then we helped them is setting up the house, but then it is amost 3 months now, that she moved here.
    Now also these people are behaving the same way is my major concern.

    There is no sign of this guy getting a car or a license intially he gave the reason let my visa get extended then I will get a car, now that is solved , now he says this is winter I will get it in spring.

    That is when I got really upset with these people.

    Thanks for your kind words CJ and have a happy pregnancy.

    Thanks
    Malar
     
  10. malarun

    malarun Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks Prasahanthi,

    I am trying to do what you have said, let me see how these people behave after that.
    I feel bad when they use my husband for everything.
     

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