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Issue with my friend

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by gujulady, Jan 17, 2012.

  1. gujulady

    gujulady Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,

    I have an issue with my friend and it's biting me from last few days.
    My self and my friend are jobless and we are in the same field. On a good faith basis I used to help her by passing the employer contacts and referring her to employers whom I had interviewed (for any multiple positions or if I had rejected the offer) and used to provide information for interview preparation.
    Few days back she had an interview with an employer whose information I had given her and also I had sent her resume to this employer. My friend used to talk to me and I used to provide her more information about present technology but she did not tell me anything about this interview. I came to know through that employer. He had sent me email stating that he met her and surprisingly she did not even refer my name. He said he will decide and let me know if he will hire her or not. I was shocked to read this. It was a big jolt for me.
    I felt like an idiot. I'm introducing her to potential employers as my friend looking for opportunity and she is trying to convey that she does not know me.
    I was so mad and hurt . I forwarded that email to her to let her know what she did was wrong. And to my shock.. she replied in a cool manner acknowledging that she did went to interview and thanked me for that.
    I then decided I should not help her anymore and let her know indirectly.
    She fired back at me questioning that she did not do any wrong in contacting the employer whom I had referred?

    I don't know what to do. I need your suggestions on how to handle?
     
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  2. Kolaveri

    Kolaveri Senior IL'ite

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    most of us confuse ourself about an acquaintance & a friend.

    if we can clearly distinguish the two then there would be no heart burns.

    so henceforth try identifying who an acquaintance is and definitely this one seems so.

    take it easy & move on, there are worth while things to do.
     
  3. rmads99

    rmads99 New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    She contacting employer is not an issue. I can understand how you feel when she does not mention about it to you. And she should have said sorry when you felt bad that she did not mention it to you. Instead she quetioned you. It is okay if you are very best friends. If not then I would consider it as rude.

    Believe me I have been there, I used to help one of my batchmate with materials and interviews. We both were looking for an opportunity. One day I came to know from our employer that she joined a course, which will get her more interview prospects. I was suprised to learn that she never ever mentioned about it to me. I did not question her about this course. She told me about the course after she got a job. I realized that she was afraid of compition from me. Since we both were in same field, she felt that way. From that day onwards, I stopped sharing information or stopped asking for information. I guess she realized her mistake and started to give information though I did not ask.

    I think you should stay clam and do whatever you need to. Do not act upon it, it will hurt you. Believe me, the more you think about it the more it hurts.
     
  4. gujulady

    gujulady Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank You Kolaveri and rmads99 for your inputs.
    I feel better after reading your replies. Some times I feel bad for her for not realizing that honesty do adds value in search of employment (apart from qualifications). She not only lied to me but also to the employer. You won't believe I just received calls and emails from 2 employers wanting to hire me (I was rejected and she was being considered for less salary )
     
  5. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, Sabar ka phal meetha hota hai. Let her get into a job with less salary. Something great is in store for you. It may or may not take time. In one way,it is the qualifications and overall presentation that they see. So mentioning your name may/maynot work in favour for her. She might have had her own perceptions about telling the employer. Regarding telling you,I agree that she should have mentioned it.
    Anyway,take this as an eye-opener. You can help someone when you are in a position to help. I believe that first we have to know how to swim to teach others swimming. Once you are in a job,it wouldnt have hurt much. Now she is a direct competitor because you gave her all the contacts that you painstakingly found out. I am sorry to say,but this is your stupidity. (Sorry to be blunt)
     
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  6. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    for any relatiopnship be it marriage or friendship trust and honesty are very important.if you feel that she is not honest or not acknowledging the fact that you are helping her just stop your help for time being until she realizes that.
     
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  7. gujulady

    gujulady Bronze IL'ite

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    Rose, I think you have misunderstood my post. It's not about contacting the employer. I myself recommended her for this position although she was a competitor (she was ready for less salary as she needed a job badly). It's about honesty. I would have been very happy for her if she got any offers but as I said I was hurt that she did not consider me as a friend and hid this information from me and I had to come to know from the employer. More over she is not even acknowledging this and rude to me telling she did not make any mistake.
     
  8. indianinbayarea

    indianinbayarea New IL'ite

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    Hi Gujulady

    I understand what you are feeling. This is part of life. Maybe she did not want to tell you because she did not want to jinx it. Like they call " nazar lag jayegi"

    From your side you did a good friendly thing. But you have to understand not all people are nice, some people only think of themselves.
     
  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    gujulady,

    I think you treat her as friend and she treat you as competitor. This is how she feels about herself, that she needs all the help she can get and that if she helps you back she will hurt her chances. Now you know. You never realized till now. Yes, it hurts because you never realized it thinking she understood the spirit in which you help her. now you know where she stands. So take this as learning experience. If you feel v. hurt then from future decide to only help those you are v. sure about like a v. close friend.

    But now I think you have another problem in your hands which you have not realized yet. Like you, she also must've got a big shock when you fwd that email to her. BTW, that was a big mistake on your part. You shd not have done that. Maybe let her know separately but not forward actual email. anyway now she read in that email that potential employers are getting back to you even if she dont mention the referral. This is a big shock to her becos she thot she could get away with not giving your name and could do whatever she wanted. Now that is one thing. But second thing is she seems to be insecure-minded. So, she may also think *this* is why she did not get the job if that employer doesn't hire her tomorrow. ie., because of you, becos you and that employer are in cahoots. Then she will go around blaming you and saying wrong things about you. This will cause more problems. You have to clear this misunderstanding right away. And after you clear it away, make sure you keep her at arm's length.
     
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  10. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    It is ok if she is badly in need of money. But such people have to be honest too. If someone helps me when I am in real need,I will always remember such people as part of my success (and the one who helped me when I was in the dumps).
    Anyway..its upto you how you take her to be now.
     

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