Ishq Wala Love V/s Emotional Blackmail Love

Hello all wonder women,

This is an update from me. Almost all would have gone through my past thread where I was going through worst battle with inlaws and an immature husband putting my marriage at risk.

I was 70% sure that our marriage is gonna end but somehow I can't say how or why but I missed him terribly but I was mentally preparing myself that i will get over this phase and that it doesnt matter if I'm gonna get divorced.
Deep inside I prayed to God to guide me the way which is good for me ... Whether it is with my husband or without him.

I dont know how but my husband missed me terribly and he started calling me but i was stern yet talking to him. He realised the change in my tone... I stopped showing him love and care... I just talked to him like i would to an acquaintance.

Previously i used to be concerned with everything about him ...bt as he noticed that i stopped thinking or caring about him... Maybe he realised how much i had loved him ... I donno how but he started realising his parents were wrong....
But as with most of the indian men...he didn't have guts to accept his parents were wrong.


So Months passed and he saw I didn't trust his words...i dint show him any care ...i stopped giving him importance.... He cried one day that he cant bear my ignorance towards him... He said he cant undo past neither he can leave parents nor go against them...bt he said he wants to correct his mistakes n support me.

Now also not everything is fine between us. But now he understands the value of my love. He respects me as his wife and as a person. He doesnt force me to talk to his parents. He doesnt let his parents' any kind of emotional blackmailing against me to affect him or us.

He is not financially still supporting me... Bt i also have told him that once i start earning, i will pay off my educational loans n give remaining to my parents Nd a part i will save for myself....

We meet once a month and spend time together. Have good intimacy and learning to bond with each other and make it stronger..so that no 3rd person can enter in it.

Things that I learned in these past few months :
1. Its a waste of time and energy to think about mending ways with inlaws when they are wrong yet have the audacity to blame DIL and her parents.
2. I have cut my ties with PILS and have told my husband that I can't live with them under same roof. I told him he can rent another flat nearby for us but I'm not gonna stay eith inlaws.
Surprizingly, he agreed though havent yet moved out as right now I'm in a different city owing to my education. But he promised we will move out after i complete my studies nd come back to him.

3. I had a deal with him. I wont interfere between a son and his parents as long as parents don't interfere in son and his wife's lives.

4. I told him clearly that if he or his parents utter one abusive word against me or my parents then I will forget that I was raised with manners and I will use the filthiest language that they can't even bear and also that the day it happens will be mylast day in this marriage as his wife.

So now that i set the boundaries....so far I'm living in peace. Inlaws not interfering between us.
Even now we fight but now my husband doesnt tell anyone abt it and we resolve it in a mature way ourselves.

Things that still bother me :

1. I'm unable to trust him after all the past. The wound is still fresh and I'm unable to close the past totally and moveon though I'm trying. I still catch his silly lies which may seem insignificant but for me a lie is a lie and i cant trust him.
Like he lied to me he is busy n cant come to meet me over weekend bt the same weekend he went to his distant cousin's wedding with his parents.
Later when i asked why, he said he didnt want to go bt his parents forced him to accompany.

2. Though he promised we will move out after my education... I can't trust him and keep thinking what of he is just telling me this to calm me for the time being n what if when the timecomes, he may backout and ask me to adjust with his monstrous parents.

3. He sti doesnt share his financial details or his bank account details with me. He is anyhow not spending for me but when he comes to meet me...he pays the hotelstay and food and other expenses atleast.
But i still feel... shouldn't i have the right to know his finances?
On the other end...he stil shares every bank detail with his parents esp father. He recently gifted iphone to his father who doesnt even know how to operate a smartphone well. Whereas for my bday he didnt even gift a rose forgrt avout celebrating it. The reason given : i have no money to celebrate.

So my query is...how to deal now? He is changing and i can see him change in many aspects but when it comes to finances, he just doesn't think about me.

P.S i dont want people to judge me that I'm behind my husband for money. I'm certainly not!. I don't even ask him wherr he spends how much and on whom though i know he spends most on himself and his parents...not even saves his salary for our future!
I just want total honesty and transparency in our marriage including finances.i would def share mine once i earn.

Valuable replies are welcome.

 

Thanks for the reply. You are right. I dont eant a baby anytime sooner till he proves he is changing nd our relation strengthens.

My main worry is that after all the insults and demands and lies and emotional blackmail of his parents... I just can't forgive them and get along with them . But i also know that no matter whatever they did, my husbnd wont stop caring or financially taking care if his parents n I wouldn't stop him either as he is only son and they are depenedent on him for money and emotionally as well.
But they are not letting him grow up and change. He still first cared abt his parents n makes them his priority and i come last for him.
How to make him think that as much as he is free to do whatever he wants for his parentd, i as his wife want him to prioritise me and our relation esp as our relation is strained to the point of breakup/divorce

 

Thanks for the reply. I too feel the same. I wud behappy even if he takes a house next to his parents. I cant stand them even a sec under same roof. They hv emotionally blackmailed my dh did all thr melodrama of how a son shud do as his parents wish n nt listen to wife n bla blah.
I had thought this is end. But inspite of all the negative influence... Dh kept calling me n he kept saying he cant live without me bt he cant go against his parents either.
So far he is maintaing well bt only financial aspect he still shares everythng with parents n nt me.
Also fr anything....he 1st places his parents as priority n me at the end