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Is Professional Help Needed

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by MSree, Dec 22, 2019.

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Dec 23, 2019 #11

Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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Thought-provoking posts with many factors and suggestions for OP to consider.

Based on OP's description, I simply agree with BB's two posts.

BhumiBabe said: ↑

Exactly! Counseling for the sake of parents does not make it worthwhile. CF should consider the option on on campus counseling, as home sickness is a real thing and they are quite adept in identifying typical CF issues.
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Yes to both the sentences. Along with parents who consider consulting any mental health professionals as taboo and a judgement on their parenting, there are parents who consider any departure from the "normal" ABCD kid as reason to seek professional help. CF should consider the option of on/near campus counselling from professionals trained to identify typical CF issues. Parents can encourage CF to do this. Making him take the help when CF doesn't think it is needed won't help CF.

I would definitely not encourage parents to micromanage or keep tabs on their CF. A friend of mine had parents who knew her schedule and called her in between classes. Daily check ups are not a must- but try to encourage a weekly call. Doesn’t have to be long. Visiting campus is also not a must, and depending on location, can get expensive. My parents visited me once a month- and we were quite codependent. I strongly encourage you not to visit more than once.
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Yes. After re-reading OP's post and your first post, I think one daily check-in text or parent accessing student portal are not needed and will not help such a CF. It might put parent (in particular mom) at ease but is not good for CF in the long run.

BhumiBabe said: ↑

... This is a transitory time for parent and child. I think it’s important for parents ease responsibility to child at this point. Like child is responsible for feeding oneself, laundry, learning about finance, managing one’s schedule and social life, exploring career options, etc.
...
As a parent, since you are dealing with a teenager who is still in the process of growing, you WILL get pushback on some of these responsibilities. This doesn’t mean your child is lost to you. Your child will always know that you are there for him/her. They just might not follow your expectations to the T.
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You would make a good mediator between college age ABCD kids and their parents. : )

Rihana, Dec 23, 2019

Rihana, Dec 23, 2019

#11

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Dec 23, 2019 #12

SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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Rihana,
I still say err on the side of caution.
I think we need to be very careful here when we respond to a situation like this. Are you or me going to take responsibility if tomorrow the kid was truly depressed and tries to end his or her life ?
Categorically stating the kid does not seem depressed or can seek help on his own is a bit irresponsible. How many depressed people actually seek help ? Not everyone. Specially a teenager that is on his own in the middle of a busy semester. Depression saps you of all energy, including the motivation to seek help.
Couple of years back, my colleague lost her freshman to depression. She was in denial all along and she now wishes she could have helped.

Rihana said: ↑

Making him take the help when CF doesn't think it is needed won't help CF.
Click to expand...

SinghManisha, Dec 23, 2019

SinghManisha, Dec 23, 2019

#12

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Dec 24, 2019 #13

Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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SinghManisha said: ↑

qualified medical/trained professional can say with certainty that this is not depression
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especially make sure none is associated with any medical problems.

In the case I wrote about the child who later went to med school, ended up having serious neurological problems 12 years later. Knowing there was some issue with the neurological system helped them to keep an eye. Still, it took another 6 years before the real problem was diagnosed in spite of the fact, by that time, he himself was a doctor and surrounded by doctors. Denial is very real whether the person is a medical professional or not; This can push things and leads to procrastination.

After you mentioned about losing child to depression, I know of 3 cases (all CFs). Not that I am trying to scare anyone. It is better to check out things than be sorry. Someone with depression will either not admit or believe that they can handle themselves even when truly they need help.

All the incidence that I know of are the kids who grew up and raised here. I don't know of any such problems with students who came from India to attend college here.

I have seen the CHRIS HANSEN show where lots of Indian students who came here for higher studies were caught and got into legal problems. That was due to cultural ignorance. When my nephews came we talked about it because if we didn't no body would. That is all together a different issue.

Last edited: Dec 24, 2019

Topaz49, Dec 24, 2019

Topaz49, Dec 24, 2019

#13

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Dec 24, 2019 #14

MSree Bronze IL'ite

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Topaz49 said: ↑

Make no mistake: It’s a major change, whether your child is headed to a nearby university or a cross-country campus.

sleeping 14 hours straight: catching up on sleep as it was a hectic first sem. - Accept

I am finally listening to my body: Is she over weight? Keep an eye

Hardly speaks voluntarily... happy when goes to meet a few friends : Give her space - nothing to worry, as long as she is happy to meet new friends. She is not a little girl

they have lost the child completely as whatever the parent did all these years: CF is doing completely opposite

Letting go of our children is a tough thing to do. But it’s a necessary step that every parent must take. It’s a leap of faith that all the lessons we’ve taught them will help them make good decisions, problem-solve well, and develop responsible independence. If we hover, and continue to make decisions for them, and intervene every time there’s a problem, we’re admitting that we did a lousy job of parenting AND we’re telling our kids that we don’t believe in them enough to be able to handle themselves and their newfound independence.

Below is the most important thing:
**** CF says I am not a people person and am an introvert let me. be. Will come to doc if it puts parent at ease.

Count your blessings and take CF to a psychiatrist (not psychologist). This can put your mind at ease and if indeed there is an issue, it can be uncovered before it is too late.
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@Topaz49 thanks for taking time to help the parent(s) out. It definitely helps a lot to understand what’s normal and acceptable and where parents should intervene or help. For now parents are trying to step back and give CF the space they look forward to and it’s helping CF to come around too. Will definitely look into counseling options at college if CF needs more help. Cant thank you all enough.

MSree, Dec 24, 2019

MSree, Dec 24, 2019

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Dec 24, 2019 #15

MSree Bronze IL'ite

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BhumiBabe said: ↑

When I read this, it sounded like a male college freshman. I have met guys like CF, and it’s not all that odd. Very few of my female friends acted this way. But it’s not uncommon. I may have been like this. Personally, I don’t feel like professional help is urgent through the “symptoms” listed BUT I think it’s always good to talk to a counselor though. I personally felt depressed during my first year at college, and didn’t know how to express it or identify it.

I had chosen my major poorly, and was unmotivated to party or meet new people. Depression does manifest through excessive sleep and withdrawal. But finals week is also brutal, so 14 hours of sleep during winter break is pretty normal.

Many kids figure out their dietary needs in college. One if my vegetarian friends finally found out she was lactose intolerant and became vegan. Another one had gluten issues, that became apparent when eating a college diet.

This is a transitory time for parent and child. I think it’s important for parents ease responsibility to child at this point. Like child is responsible for feeding oneself, laundry, learning about finance, managing one’s schedule and social life, exploring career options, etc.

As a parent, since you are dealing with a teenager who is still in the process of growing, you WILL get pushback on some of these responsibilities. This doesn’t mean your child is lost to you. Your child will always know that you are there for him/her. They just might not follow your expectations to the T.
Click to expand...

@BhumiBabe your first hand experience will definitely help the parent and the college freshman to exactly understand what some may go through in this phase of life. Thanks for taking time to provide helpful information. CF is pretty independent and is handling their own needs and responsibilities. It’s the withdrawal that was a cause of concern. After almost half the vacation is over CF is slowly coming around. Parent has no choice but to step back and wait. will definitely ask CF to seek help at campus if need be.

MSree, Dec 24, 2019

MSree, Dec 24, 2019

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Dec 24, 2019 #16

MSree Bronze IL'ite

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Rihana said: ↑

ease parent is not a good idea.

What can parents do?
- Stop asking the same questions. Let the CF be. The questions that needed to be asked have been asked. Parent has started working on it.
- Talk once or twice with CF about taking professional help near campus if needed. Don't harp on it but mention that taking help in time is better. - will do
- Independently look up mental help and counseling resources available on campus, and outside campus. Check insurance coverage. - will check
- Talk with CF about the course load of second semester/quarter. Why taking it, really why. If CF doesn't already know, talk about how common it is to drop courses, replace with easier ones to remain full-time, or to even take a W or F in transcript. - it’s been mentioned couple of times earlier that CF can take less course load or take required courses that CF enjoys like arts or martial arts etc.
- See if CF is at all open to the idea of giving parent (limited, temporary) access to the student portal. This is a discussion by itself.
- with CFs permission the other parent has accessed student portal once. But both parents have never questioned on grades as such.
- Plan two or three short visits to campus in the next sem/quarter. Get CF to agree to it. Remember that you might spend 2 days for the trip, but CF might be able to spare only 20 mins. Thanks for this idea. the other parent could visit for a lunch or so during a weekend.
- If not already in place, set up a quick 2 minute check-in practice each night by text at a regular time. Keep these brief and pleasant. - parents send a message only when there’s been no communication for 8-12 hours straight.
- Above all, any steps should be about what will help CF, not what will assuage parents' worry.
- The more concerned parent should cut down on brooding about it and talking it over and over with CF or spouse. He/she is going to be the one to detect things if/when CF really needs help. If he/she keeps on about it, his/her inputs will start to get ignored and not taken seriously when they need to be.

Such behavior by college freshmen and even older college students is more common than parents know until they experience it themselves.
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This is so helpful for the concerned parent. Thanks so much

MSree, Dec 24, 2019

MSree, Dec 24, 2019

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Dec 24, 2019 #17

MSree Bronze IL'ite

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SinghManisha said: ↑

Here is a link that should help you decide.

Teen depression - Symptoms and causes

If it were my son, I would definitely consult a psychologist ( not psychiatrist). Better to err on the side of caution. As Indians we do have a mental stigma about seeking therapy , but sometimes it is crucial to save precious lives. There might be things your CF is not comfortable discussing with you, here a psychologist can help.

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/psychologist-or-psychiatrist-which-for-you#1
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@SinghManisha Thanks for the helpful resources. Will look into them.

MSree, Dec 24, 2019

MSree, Dec 24, 2019

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Dec 24, 2019 #18

MSree Bronze IL'ite

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BhumiBabe said: ↑

Exactly! Counseling for the sake of parents does not make it worthwhile. CF should consider the option on on campus counseling, as home sickness is a real thing and they are quite adept in identifying typical CF issues.

I would definitely not encourage parents to micromanage or keep tabs on their CF. A friend of mine had parents who knew her schedule and called her in between classes. Daily check ups are not a must- but try to encourage a weekly call. Doesn’t have to be long. Visiting campus is also not a must, and depending on location, can get expensive. My parents visited me once a month- and we were quite codependent. I strongly encourage you not to visit more than once.
Click to expand...

CF is pretty independent. Calls are once a week or sometimes once in 2 weeks and no video calls. As I said before short text messages are shared at the end of day and parent sends a message if there’s been no text for 8-12 hrs straight(when not sleeping). One parent ( concerned one) has never visited campus after initial drop off. I guess parents are doing their best to adjust to the transition and probably should give more space and let CF be.

MSree, Dec 24, 2019

MSree, Dec 24, 2019

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Dec 24, 2019 #19

MSree Bronze IL'ite

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Thyagarajan said: ↑

Eyes welled up to read op and FBs.
2. Psychiatrist help is a must to save the child lest the child would go adrift.
Thanks for other FBs from concerned fellow IL’ites.
God bless.
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Thank you. Prayers and blessings helps.

MSree, Dec 24, 2019

MSree, Dec 24, 2019

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Dec 24, 2019 #20

MSree Bronze IL'ite

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Rihana said: ↑

CF should consider the option of on/near campus counselling from professionals trained to identify typical CF issues. Parents can encourage CF to do this. Making him take the help when CF doesn't think it is needed won't help CF.
Click to expand...

will definitely let the cool parent do the talking and see what CF says.

MSree, Dec 24, 2019

MSree, Dec 24, 2019

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