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Is my DH playing mind-games?????

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by chetavani50, Oct 8, 2012.

  1. chetavani50

    chetavani50 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Our marriage is almost 9 years and i am an engineer at a govt. organisation.my DH is also a govt. employee but he earns lesser than me. I never utter a word regarding this point in our conversations or i will never do so. But my bad luck!!!He has this feeling of inferiority complex which makes him unsecure. He does all the financial planning , he holds my salary ATM card, he counts each and every penny i spend.
    1. At every point he keeps on saying - " YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.U BETTER SHUT-UP. "
    2. I have a rather sweet voice and i had learnt classical music for 7 years in my childhood. I can sing well. I have even got prizes. But do u know ladies what he says " Ur VOICE WILL NOT BE SWEET. SO PLEASE STOP SINGING. U NEED NOT GIVE A MUSICAL CONCERT ." This depressed me very much.What everyone appreciates in me he doesn't like it.(IS HE JEALOUS?)
    3. Also i have a long hair and i look more or less ok.(I'm not boasting of myself but i am expressing my feelings.Please understand!!!!) . I was one of the above average beauties in my college and many have proposed me.
    MY DH NEVER PRAISES ME OF MY GOOD-LOOKINGS.NEITHER HE ADMIRES NOR HE DISLIKES. This is another set-back for me.
    4. After our engagement he spoke many words - "I will give my entire salary to u. u manage total house. i will take care of the outer finances. I thought he was so kind. But the very next month after our marriage he stated drawing money from my bank. I did not ask him about this in the early stage but later when i asked him he reiterated-" YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.U BETTER SHUT-UP. "
    5. He buys things for the house(not monthly provisions and vegetables - that i have to look after) , engages the maid , doesn't allow me to go to parlour, and so silly to say - he doesn't even allow me to do headbath twice a week. He explins a beautiful reason for everything which i feel he is just covering himself. I m totally depressed with his ever piercing words - U DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. U HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE. WHO GAVE U B.TECH DEGREE? WHAT TYPE OF HOUSE MAINTENANCE IS THIS? I really feel like crying loudly.
    He feels himself as the king. Even when we go on a tour he packs my and my DDs bags and he gives the dresses that we have to wear. He tells me what to wash and what not to wash , where to hang them etc.I ask him i will take care of these u don't worry - Again the same answer-U don't know.

    Thanks for reading this long post. But i think my DH is playing mind-games with me criticising my each and every action so that i will really think that i am fit-for-nothing.

    If i am fit-for-nothing how will i manage both house and office ? I do all the lucnch,breakfast,pack boxes, clean the kitchen and get my DD ready to school by 8-20 in the morning.Will it be possible if he continuously pesters me like this? I feel like taking a long leave from my office and go and sit at my mother's house ,Then atleast he will know my value.
     
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  2. sumaramesh

    sumaramesh New IL'ite

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    Ridiculous and shocked @ same time. He is one crazy guy..

    First learn you are very successful working women , managing both House and Office..

    Whenever he shuts you down, tell him clearly, you are successful women and you are
    confident and you need no approval/appreciation from him..

    Tell him it suffocates you, when he micro manages you , about your taking head bath and
    what to wear and what to do stuff. And also never do it.. (What maximum would he do if you wont do what he says)

    Get up chetavani, dont let him put you down and over period of time you loose confidence....
     
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  3. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi this guy is power obsess.He want all power in his hand.There are two way to deal with it.Let him have power and let him enjoy status que.You be happy with this and praise him for everything he does.
    Another way rebel against him.Take things in your hand,including your ATM card and prove it to him from time to time your own worth.
    This second route is going to create lot of clashes and might leads to separation or it may force husband to take a backseat in your relationship.Its risky game but.
    I do believe you have to accept people as they are.Some people might change but most of them dont.Divorce is costly option.
     
  4. chetavani50

    chetavani50 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank u suma for ur earliest reply. But i have been brought up in an environment where the woman should be the one who is to bear everything in a marriage and a man can do anything. We both r distant relatives and u can think of his mind-set. And one more thing- i had taken good care of my FIL when he was on bed (he has expired now) . I have cleaned all his ones and twos, spoon-fed him, gave bath to him (of course it was only for a short period of time - two months) but still he doesn't recognise me for that. my MIL was also there during that period but she never came up to do cleaning to my FIL. She says she is allergic to it. I m not concerned whether she does it or not but i m happy that i have done my part as successful DIL and i m also discouraged of my DHs unrecognition.He feels that it is my duty to do so. I have not got recognition at any stage and i m the more worried now-a-days.He is the hitler of our house . I also have to take care of my DDs studies.If she gets less marks i am blamed. Please give me the courage and will-power to face all this. I am a very soft person and i don't usually hurt anyone with my words. I think i should learn to do so.
     
  5. Megalife

    Megalife Platinum IL'ite

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    Cheetavani
    Lurking within your post it is clear that you husband is acting like a "saviour",he seems to insist on having his way in all interactions with you...he sets the agenda and is the first in command. I see a chronic control freak in him.

    The need to control is mostely fueled with anxiety, yet he seldom recognises it.To overcome his overwhelming anxiety, work failures etc. he trys control the people around him and you are the easiest prey. OFcourse at work nobody is going to put up with his fancies so you remain an easy target. He gets caught up in a web of repeated compulsions. Basically he is trying to protect himself, knowing very well that you are the competent one. Psycologically, may be it is good to seek pro help. BUt a lot of patience and paced approach is needed while dealing with them.I am afraid whatever you do may have a limited effect, I know it might not be easy to keep your sense of self worth.
    Try to make him feel he is in command, while actually you hold the whip. An extra bit of kindness, reassurance may be?
    mega
     
  6. chetavani50

    chetavani50 Gold IL'ite

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    Yeah megalife. What u said is correct. CHRONIC CONTROL FREAK. Have i to be his life-time prey?
     
  7. sumaramesh

    sumaramesh New IL'ite

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    Dear Yes we Indian women are brought up teaching men can do anything and women
    needs to adjust for smooth family. But that doesn't mean you need to loose your self respect
    and confidence.. You need not hurt him or insult him, at same time you should learn not
    to take it also...

    When he is good to you try explaining things, and tell him how you feel....Good luck..
     
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  8. eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

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    If you don't change now, your daughter will say the same words someday. (because she is seeing how you deal with a tough situation and learn from you)

    It is your choice.
     
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  9. chetavani50

    chetavani50 Gold IL'ite

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    Yeah. Worried for the same. How to get out of this situation? How to deal it?
     
  10. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Chetavani,
    Maybe your DH is right when he says that you don't know anything because you are behaving like a baby.
    How can he control your head bath?? Is he saving shampoo, water?
    Grow up now.
    Take as many headbaths as you wish, visit a beauty parlour, sing when you want to, also take control of your salary , finances and show him that you have grown up now after 9 years of marriage.
    Also pack and select your own clothes , say you will do it.
    You are behaving like a doll and being treated like one.
    Many would envy your doll-like existence with a hubby taking care of everything!!!
     
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