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Is Mil Overbearing Or Genuinely Trying To Be Helpful?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by shygirl2016, Aug 15, 2017.

  1. shygirl2016

    shygirl2016 New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Firstly, I'm really sick of my MIL's remarks regarding how want to bring up DS (14 months old). After many quarrels with IL and being kicked many times for defending myself, I'm still living with them so their 'perfect family' image isn't tarnished. BTW they have always made DH bring me back then they pretend like nothing ever happened.

    Anyways, regarding my question, my DS is sick and isn't sleeping well. MIL always want to take him from me, always instigating she can watch him better. She behaves differently with me in front of DH, always more polite when he is around. Othertimes she doesn't say a word. Me on the otherhand, I limit my conversations with her as much as possible because I can't stand her.

    DH thinks his mum is only trying to help. I give IL's grandparents bonding time with DS everyday. Its just he is sick and needs me to look after him. I also think we need to be able to manage DS on our own without help from either parents so we can be more independent.

    Also, tonight DS was crying alot. Both IL came in his room and said give DS to MIL so she can put him to sleep. H and I told them we are fine and DS is sick thats why he is crying alot. Then it somehow turned around that we shouldn't be letting DS cry etc etc. FIL had a heart surgery 3 weeks ago so i tried to be careful with my words but every time i tried to say something my MIL kept saying 'ssshhhhsssh' (which i thought was so rude and made me more pissed off). So basically i got a good hearing from them but wasn't allowed to say anything in my defense. I angry because evrytime we try to set boundaries with IL they just step all over it.
     
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  2. prreeya

    prreeya Silver IL'ite

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    Hi
    This is really common behavior of IL, from my side i can advice you to better keep calm and let your DH talk to them.
    Whatever you have to say to MIL say infront of your DH and also let him know the background.
    According to me if we cant change things around its better to ignore it in married life atleast.
    I am facing tough time in my marriage as i tried to change certain things keeping all together and now i am getting to know that i am the worst DIL and DW.
     
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  3. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    This is tough @shygirl2016 , I know what you are feeling. My MIL is staying with us for the time being, and has been helping out with my son. The same things happen, where she would feel better suited to care for the child. I think it's great that you and your husband are in agreement on taking care of baby.

    The way I have dealt with this, mainly because it's tiring to make a big fuss (and I'm clearly being passive-aggressive), I let them take care of DS, completely during the day time. My son sleeps with me at night, but during the day, I would complete other work, like cooking or cleaning, resting, sometimes, even. I would let them take care of all the bathing, diaper changing, walking, etc. And you know what? They are older and while they can do it for a week, it's tiring after that. They will start discretely asking you to take care of the child, while they napped or do puja.

    I am sure that MIL wants to be helpful and caring toward the baby. There might even be a little (a lot) bit of possessiveness. The shushing, is very annoying, I get that occasionally too. Don't take offense, instead smile, reassure, and do what you were doing. Don't let her get under your skin.
     
  4. happydheivanai

    happydheivanai Silver IL'ite

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    Few mother in law is like this ..what to do don't worry.just adjust and go for few years .if they want to take ur son let them.how many years they can do ...anyhow he is ur son..mother is mother don't worry...keep ur husband in ur side automatically the things will fall on ur side ...
     
  5. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    @BhumiBabe , I was thinking of giving her the same advise.
    OP, you can do what @BhumiBabe has suggested and you know what , after some time, they will have had their fill.I know it's difficult to hand over the baby. I was so possessive and protective ( still am) of my baby when she was born .I couldn't think of letting anyone even hold her. She is now 15 months and still it is difficult for me.This is very natural.Let your MIL take care of the baby, change diapers etc. It is not an easy job.They will get tired of it soon.
    As far as not telling you to not let the baby cry, my own mother said this to me. Lol. So , it is a general behavior with the grandparents.
    During night, if you don't want to give the baby, politely refuse.Say that you will be tense without the baby, and will not be able to sleep yourself.I used to say this.And my baby didn't sleep without me. It's good that atleast your husband understands and supports you.Deal with the ILs tactfully.
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I have a different version of the same case, and see how it is differently handled.

    My mom stays with me, and she is very much helpful with the kids. So, kids too like her a lot. They obviously like their pampering, story telling, and over bearing sweet granny than their strict, working mom. It doesn't mean, they love me any less than their granny.
    Specially when they are sick or sleepy, they need mommy and no one else.

    When they were really young, I would have my hard time consoling both the kids at night.
    They dont know how to express their anger, tiredness and sleepiness in words or action, but cry very loud.
    I, as a young mom, did not have that much patience to bear their cry.. at the same time, I often lacked the techniques to distract them very soon, so that they would stop crying.
    Besides, my H would be equally exhausted as me, and he would be really really angry on kids whenever they throw tantrums at night for no real reasons.

    So, often times, my mom would knock our bedroom, and asks me to give the kiddo to her.
    She is mostly successful in consoling or distracting the kid that time. Also, it gives us some relief, because we both (me and H) would be exhausted by that time due to our long day (work, house, commuting etc).
    In no time, the kid would be asleep, and we would be in peace.

    Obviously, my mom would later tell us that she knows about the kids more than us. Which may be true.
    I say... yes ma... you have 30 years of experience in parenting, where as we have only 3 yrs. We are still learning, so please teach us.

    I am not sure how would I react had it been my MIL instead of mom?
    MIL lives in around the corner and gives extensive support with the kids too.
    I have always been patient with her words. But it triggers me whenever she gives me "unwanted" tips on how to raise kids or how to be properly parenting them. That too whenever we are stressed and emotionally drained with kids' tantrums.
    These times, I would want to tell her, "MIL ji, I don't need you to teach me how to handle my kids, because I am living with your kid, and he needs a lot of improvements"
    But what to do? Most of the time, I end up venting here only :(
     
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  7. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    My mom did this too, for a couple months. I didn't mind my mom so much, probably because she ACTUALLY does a better job at taking care of my kid than I. Somehow, I see more fault, when it's my MIL (I'm consciously trying not to). My MIL is from an older generation (so she never used diapers and still struggles putting them on) and she was a working mom who had her mother or a nanny taking care of her sons. She has greatly improved, so I am no longer as bothered, but initially, she was just as much of a first time mom, as I was.
    Plus, naturally, it's easier to take advice from your own mother than your MIL.
     
  8. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Silver IL'ite

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    :tearsofjoy:

    You have got no problem when your mother gives you advice on parenting but cant stand your MILs advice.:laughing:

    I think all of us are same when it comes to our kid being parented by ILs.

    I don't have a baby, got recently married. But I think I'm gonna be no different from any of you ladies here crying out your frustrations. Even my husband needs a lot of improvements and MIL is the worst parent in the world but she often makes comments on how my parents grow me up, which clearly makes me angry most of the times, where I don't show out.

    -My H is dominating to both me and my MIL, which I will never let my kids to become one same dominating kind.
    -H is commanding. mostly to me and MIL, but MIL enjoys that thinking that's how kids are these days. So untrue.
    -MIL feeds him food in the morning, now asks me to do it, which I do with no complaints, but still its a worst habit. working parents cant do that for their kids in the morning time
    -She asks every time what to cook, instead of cooking something she can which is healthy and asks his son to eat.
    -She makes him to eat all unhealthy food saying he likes it this way, or that way. Instead of making him understand its not good for health. But I don't get into their love. I just let him eat however his mom wants it to be prepared. It may be a 3 spoon oil for dosa or a half bottle oil for mixing wheat flour while doing chapati, I don't get in their way. But I will definitely not let my kids have unhealthy food the same way my H is having now. (BTW she wants me to help in cooking, but never let me do anything. I dunno why. So I have got little interest to go kitchen and do anything)

    MIL told me once that my H wants my kids to study in normal schools nearby, which I took it to my H, bcos I want good education for my kids. My H is very firm on this saying a school will not decide a kids future. I think they don't want me to move out saying kids education as an excuse. Its all well planned before marriage. But I don't think I can compromise in schools, bcos its very important to me.

    I don't even have kids, but I already know my future problems:tearsofjoy:

    I would be happy if ILs does not interfere in my kids life, just like how they interfere in our married life now.
     
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  9. September2015

    September2015 Bronze IL'ite

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    When you have kids you will see LMAO
    Men surprise wives...and not in a good way.

     
  10. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Child has only one mother, no one can take her place or compare if they can do mothering better for someone else's child. No one has right to interfere so much in parenting unless you are abusing your child.
    Your MIL not helping in my opinion, rather trying to be too possessive about your child.
    If they give comments about parenting, just laugh it off. Hear it through one ear and out the other, focus on spending time bonding with your kid.Don't worry to prove to MIL that you are good mom. Mother knows best.
    Even she always tells to take your child as she can watch him better, still no need to give, tell smilingly that child needs mom, and mom needs child too.You don't have to give your child to please them That's too much.
    She had her opportunity for motherhood, don't let her steal yours.
     
    September2015 likes this.

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