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is it right to think about ending my marriage.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shonasmum, Jan 29, 2012.

  1. shonasmum

    shonasmum New IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I have been reading many articles and posts but never had courage to write anything. I have a love marriage. I am punjabi and he is marathi..I have fair complection where he is very dark. I was 20 years old when I found my husband(then 29) on internet. Chatting converted in phone calls and he came to meet me. Like all girls I fell in love with him. When my father came to know about him he beaten me a lot. I was seriously bruised and my back had muscle rupture,I couldn't walk properly for a month. My husband insisted I should not stay with this brutal father who hits his daughter so I decided to run away and get married.
    He had already made my passport and visa and brought me in UK with him and I trusted him completely, I was happy, but he would only let me speak to my parents once in a fortnight. Soon time had changed and my parents accepted me. In the mean time I had my daughter and everything was running smoothly.

    He is completely different personality than me. If I like east he likes west. If I say Yes he would say no..we are completely opposites. We have nothing in common. He doesnt like me talking to any other guy. Every husband and wife have fights and we are no exception. But fighting these days is getting more and more abusive. Whenever we have fight he says he wants divorce as he is fed up of me. I accuse him for brainwashing me and ruining my life and I don't have any other place to go now.
    Whenever I used to cry he used to pacify me and wouldnt let me cry. But 5 years on now he is so egoistic that he wouldnt even say sorry, If I am crying he would come and start abusing me. With every other fight he would call my mother and start telling her that how wrong I am. He said to me that he is my husband i should obey him whatever he says. We both work and happy when apart. Whenever we are together at home it ended up with big fights. We don't enjoy each other's company anymore. Or shall I say I dont enjoy his company.

    My husband wants me to wear mangal sutra all the time. He doesnt like me taking it off at all. Sometime I also need variety, I am fed up of his summon to wear this magal sutra all the time. It initiates today's fight is me taking off the mangal sutra in night time and not wearing it in morning. He said there will be no relationship between me and him if I don't wear mangal sutra. He wouldn't not talk to me at all until I wear it. I tried to make him understand but he started shouting at me. Then I too was fed up and I said if there is no relationship then i want to die because I have no one left on my side. I have left my parents, my home, my country everything for you and I just wanted to die that time. I took few ibuprofen tablets and put them in my moth. He started to hit me on my face to take the tablets out. He hit me so hard that i fainted. He didn't even pick me up. Then I decided to leave the house for some time. When i came back he called my mum to say that I tried to do suicide and If do something then he is not responsible. For the whole day we had fights and he kept calling his and my parents. Both of our parents are worried now. He still put the mangal sutra in my neck and said he would only talk to me if I wear it otherwise he would again hit me. Let me tell you all that that my husband is a senior doctor. I never expected this behaviour from him. After all that he went to sleep leaving me crying.

    My only question to all ladies is why mangal sutra is important than my own. He says he only loves me if I wear mangal sutra. I hate this mangal sutra now and it feels me like fansi ka fanda...


    The reason I had to write today is to ask is it right to be thinking about ending my marriage. What will my parents think about me. How would I handle everything alone in this country. Am I trapped???

    Rimpy
     
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  2. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Rimpy,

    The mangalsutra issue is only a symptom of a more complex problem - he wants to control your life and expects you to be a docile, obedient wife. He seems to have major ego problems and it appears very clear that he does not care about you one way or the other.

    You swallowed ibuprofen pills to end it all - what for? What would you gain from that? If you are so unhappy with this guy, is it not better that you opt out and find other solutions?

    You are in a country where domestic violence is taken very seriously. Why did not go to the police and lodge a complaint? Next time he tries it, go straight to the nearest police station and register a complaint. You can also get a lot of support from women's support groups like the Black Sisters in London (http://www.google.co.in/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&sqi=2&ved=0CCIQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.southallblacksisters.org.uk%2F&ei=hZIkT7blHMu38gP2rPS-Bw&usg=AFQjCNGhPrdyneSQk57mXfM1006rknmt1w&sig2=29qegiG7TYhb7fp2bQgxmg) to help you with more practical aspects such as legal aid. In the meanwhile you are already working and this should give you the means to get out of this house and stand on your own two feet, even if it means living in a hostel for a while. It would any day be better than taking endless abuse. If it coming to taking a divorce, you will be much better off staying on in the UK, where you will be in a better position to be completely independent.
     
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  3. shonasmum

    shonasmum New IL'ite

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    Hi Satchi,

    Thanks for your reply. This is the first time he physically abuse me. Now I dont know if it was the situation which made him do this or this is going to be worse now..I am really worried about my future and I see a dead end.

    And yes I do work in an IT company. We hardly spend time with each other. Only weekends and that too if he is not working. But whenever we are together we do fight nothing else....
     
  4. renutn

    renutn Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Don't feel bad if my suggestions offends you; why there is sudden change in your husband's nature. Are you loosing interest on him? How is your daily household chores ?
    Your DH has done so many sacrifices for marrying you initially. And his age at that time is not young like 25-26 yrs ; he is matured enough to make a good decision for his life.
    Think about it .. If there is any fault from your end try correcting yourself.
    Basically you are still young and jumping into a decision very fast.

    Good luck
     
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  5. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    Is mangalsutra the only issue? Having totally different tastes is not a problem. The problem arises when you try to impose your likes and dislikes on the other. Try to analyse and see why you people fight. There must be some repetitive issues. You said your husband did not allow you to cry early in the marriage. Could be that he must be irritated with your constant crying. My husband hates it when I cry or feel bad. He doesnt console me from the heart. He just deviates the topic or rather the problem for why I tear up. Some men are like that. Stop crying and be strong first of all. Looks like he might be thinking that crying has become a routine for you and he is bored of consoling!

    Secondly,you have raised just the mangalsutra. If that is the only thing...dont you think that is ironic? The one that should bind both of you is tearing you both apart? If he is too sentimental about it and you want variety...why dont you try to talk to him about a smaller or fashionable one?

    Doctors do have crazy schedules. You could try to arrange some getaway to some place/cruise and try to sort out your issues. I dont know if you have any more internal problems. To me,from your first post,looks like these are small issues which can be worked out. Divorce is not the end all. It is easy to break a relation..hard to maintain it.
     
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  6. shanky

    shanky New IL'ite

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    wow this is scary... I think extra love and extra care will improve things slowly. May be slow and not good enough to break marriages.
     
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Rimpy....

    Lets think from one other angle....as much as I agree that this is sometype of control freak or sadist kind of behaviour.....

    Why are you insisting on removing the mangalsutra...(No I am not supporting him..) but just like you may have strong feelings about somethings..if he is very serious about some issue..why not respect that instead of trying to insist on your opinion??? (i.e why not try to pick the right battle instead of all the wrong ones???)

    Your first battle should be about his abusive nature and his calls to parents!!!!!!! this is the one you have to concentrate on..

    Basically you pointing about how he made you rebel and run away Is a very wrong thing!!! swallowing pills is a wrong thing...youa re doing so many childish acts and you expect maturity from him , you expect him to treat you like an adult how can he ???

    See again.I am NOT supporting him...There are situations where first women have to think what can be fixed at their end...and then target the partner!!!

    Basically what is your kid learnings from all this?? eitehr to beat up spouse when things go wrong..or swallow pills and end life????

    Pls...try to get a grip on your emotions...and think...atleast from now on....try to take one step at a time...pls this is your life....you have a kid,,you cant run away or hide from problems....time to stand up and face issues in life and solve them and lead happy life..

    First of all...start working on this hitting n abuse thing....as soon as he raises his hand...tell him STOP!!!! dont shout or argue or say more things...just say STOP...and that you will call cops and get him arrested if he moves forward...am sure he will get jolted with the word COPS....dont feel bad/sad...just warn and step away from that place....move away from his sight!!! do not stand there and get more mad....

    If you need place to share your feelings....come here and talk!!!!!! dont try to take out entire frustration on your husband all at once..or dont try to address all the issues at once....it wont work that way...

    I really appreciate it if you could just go through couple of threads here on the forums...you would understand more points on how to tackle such things...you know we can learn alot from our fellow members who are in the same situation...Pls be strong..stay positive..nothin in life is as difficult that we dont care for our life...life is precious....and you married the man you love...doesnt matter whether he made you run away from your parents or not..what matters is he took hte pain to get your visa and ticket done...he married you...he kept his promise...but if things are going bad...try to understand what went wrong and where....pls dont blame each other...
     
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  8. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    shonasmum,

    What did you think would happen to your shona if you were to succeed in damaging yourself when you popped those pills.. i believe deep down, you knew your husband is a doctor and he will save you..were you trying this as a measure to test him..then I would just say grow up.

    You say earlier when you cried, he used to console you. do you mean to say that you still cry for everything. maybe your husband is now fed up and has left you to console yourself. what do you do when your kiddo cries..sometimes you console them but when you know that it is unreasonable don't you allow her to cool of her anger..maybe that is what is happening.

    You should look at the abuse angle. if you say it was only to make you pop out the pills, then it is fine.but if he is abusive, then you need help.

    but all said, i hear that the professional stress and to keep working in an atmosphere where you do not know what new agenda gets floored forcing you out of a country that you established could also put more stress on your husband. you need to find out more.well this is not to support him, just maybe he is more stressed out on things outside the family then you wish to understand.

    Coming to the mangalsutra, why are you rebelling against it..is it because he is so sentimental about it, or you feel he controls you using it. AT 20 you were happy wearing it??.. at 20e looked your saviour..now after 5 years of getting out and tasting your freedom, financial independence, do you feel you have changed or your expectation from this marriage has changed. maybe you need to analyse this part too.

    The one thing that really stares out why did he call your mom immediately to tell her that you did this and he was not responsible. was it because of having a witness, or is there more to it. that he find your mom being a kindred spirit who understands her daughter and has been supporting your husband..

    I believe, when you took the decision of getting married to this man against your parent's wishes, the decision of getting out of it should be governed by factors that are yours and not about parents feeling bad or how will i look at the society.

    these are just my perspectives/angles that i look at when i read yours..others may have a different one..
     
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  9. riyagan

    riyagan Gold IL'ite

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    srividya75, couldnt agree more.. i wud take all ur words if i were in OPs situation.

    shonasmum, i think u patching up with ur parents gradually created a discomfort in hubby's mind. which i wud justify. even ur father had beaten u and thats when you decided to come out from ur family and marry the guy u chose. now why u blame ur hubby that he brainwashed u? come on, even a father beating a daughter is also a domestic violence and it should also deserve to be STOPPED.

    coming to the point, i wud say to wear mangal sutra for some time just to appease him. he might think that ur parents are influencing you on this and any other issue that arise. come on, wearing mangal sutra is a wonderful thing. u cant get to wear it before marriage..only a wedded women has the privilege to wear it. iam proud to wear it. ofcourse its individual preference. but am really proud to be recognized as a married woman through my mangal sutra. as someone said here modify it a fashionable one and wear it.
     
  10. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,
    Your DH Mangal sutra fixation is deep rooted in his psyche. Remember in Hindi movies a heroine would rather die than part/sell her mangalsutra!
    Mangalsutra is very important part of a suhagins attire in Maharastra and other places in India like sindoor, bindi in the North.
    You say that you have nothing in common with the guy then what made you fall in love on internet, get beaten black and blue and elope with him like a filmy heroine??
    What has made you fall out of love? Now you are discussing his complexion!
    If wearing a M makes him docile then wear it, buy a lighter one if required. :coffee
    PS -Why do you want to end the marriage , is there someone else on the scene?
     

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