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Is It Really That Good To Have Siblings?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Needtobestrong, Jun 3, 2019.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    ok I know that siblings are very close and share their feelings, grow up with each other, are there for each other during all good and bad times through out their life...
    But in recent times I could see so many problems arising in people's life due to problematic siblings...
    Few of my relatives who were the eldest brothers, Or married to eldest brothers of the family..( previous generation) really spent the prime years of their family responsibilities like medical needs of late start no siblings, education and marriage of siblings..they had to compromise on their own lifestyle and had to lead a very frugal lifestyle with little or no money for their basic needs at times..while younger siblings were better off in life ,bought better houses and conveniently forgot sacrifices made by elder brothers and spouse..
    Very rare to see younger siblings or parents showing gratitude/appreciation for elder siblings and spouses doing their duty and going beyond duty for family..
    Now very common for siblings to move aboard and stay in foreign countries very far from each other and not even maintain a hi-hello relation with siblings,..
    Of course they would come running when property division occurs and they have to claim their share..
    I feel so bad for my grand father and grand mother who had to shoulder all responsibilities of the family including sisters marriages..his youngers brother were good for nothing person who got into all and habits and never did a single thing for entire family..after demise of my grand dad all his sibling just disregarded my widowed grand mom and entire family ..
    my other very elderly relatives similar story..one of the sister had personal attitude problems and refused to live with her husband...her husband was very simple and humble person who tried to make all amends possible and work in marriage..but can an unreasonable person be convinced..became dependant on all other brothers for her survival and upkeep..she was very unpleasant and not an easy person to live with by the way, her temper tantrums and attitude problems would make life miserable for anyone living under her roof...wherever she lived she would create issues and spoil peace of mind..definitely her brothers and brothers spouses found it very tough to manage the expense and physical and mental effort required to maintain her. Many a time I heard them saying how it's a big burden to have siblings and how these days episode are lucky to only one or no siblings...
    Could hear of similar problems in big families where some siblings are causing problem in life of other siblings..And the children and grand children are not in touch or not even met each other..
    Very rare to find families where all siblings are in harmony with each other and have family bonding..
    Now a brother or sister staying in siblings house even for a short while becomes a guest ..as all lead separate lives with their own spouse and kids..

    Sorry if my post is a little negative, but I attend lot of family functions and get togethers and could see how conflicts keep arising from people born out of the same womb!
    If anyone has inputs about this pls add..
     
    Ramyarc and hermitcrab like this.
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  2. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Each ones experience is different, cannot generalize. For me, my brother is not a huge support or a huge problem. We meet for vacations, talk rarely and message sometimes. But mentally I feel he is big support and if need arises he will stand by me.

    I will always suggest that everyone should have siblings (2 kids) as we grow its a huge moral support
     
  3. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

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    During childhood siblings are the best company of each other and when they become elders it depends on the life styles and other differences between them. Same is also true about parents.
     
  4. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    @Needtobestrong
    What you wrote is so true, in previous generations the eldest brother will takecare of all marriages of sisters etc. In one case, they eldest was no longer alive since heart problem, so younger brother got married for money and then gave money to family and helped 3 nieces to get married. And even spent his provident fund on shaadi of niece.
    Now, the middle brother did nothing and took family heirlooms and savings and many other things and took care of his children.
    I am thinking that in all generations- mine and previous- there are more giving kind of siblings and some who are moochers.
    When we look superficially, the siblings are not needed but when you look at the siblings question from the point of evolution of human kind they are very much needed.
    Having siblings helps the kid to learn socially and also tells them to be selfish when needed. I have seen that my friends who are only child are very giving, while the one who grew up in multi generational + big families are very conniving and can be selfish. These attributes are good for their survival and for their progeny. There is natural competition for time and resources. As much as we try, all siblings will not be at the same level by adulthood. This creates variety in society.
    From another angle, having more children supports the nation. With Japan's aging population and xenophobia and low birth rate, there's real crisis in waiting (so they say).
    In US, rich people are having 4 planned kids. Rich working women, in families are having at least 3 planned children.
    At some point in India too we will start having more planned kids in educated families with working mothers. The society goes in circles!
    I am so sorry I came so far from your question. More sibling or less siblings- which one is better? IMHO The answer is "grass is always greener on the other side"
     
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  5. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks @senorita2019 @messedup @hermitcrab for the replies..

    I know ideally most couples want to have two kids.."hum do, humane do" ..
    But due to medical issues, complicated pregnancies, fertility issues, problem in marriage, financial reason, lack of family support , disinterest in taking career break etc many couples known to me are opting to have only one kid..while elders keep pressurising them to have second kid, they would have their own reasons for not complying..
     
    hermitcrab likes this.
  6. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    To each their own!!

    I will never voice my opinion on number of children, out in public.

    Actually, I don't think that couples should have more. But view is more like :
    1) from evolution perspective more children is better
    2) more children support nation
    3) number of children may interfere with the job satisfaction of mother
    4) education of women usually means less birth rate and more prosperity of nation
    5) needs of young children indirectly proportional to mother's happiness and life satisfaction (usually)

    We are conditioned to have children by nature, but as our needs evolve from the very basic, our decisions also change in regards to number of children.

    Again, one should decide as per their own situation..etc

    To each their own!!
     
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  7. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    I fully support someone having one or many
     
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  8. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    it is very tricky to say anything good or bad. my DH dad side, this is 70 and 80s parents were super rich like diamond merchants worth crores at that period. had 3 siblings, all cheated him. my DH grew up as a poor kid.

    my DH dad never spoke to his side again till he died.

    DH has a brother they both help each other like financially, dh did when brother was in college, after their dad expired. brother did when dh need help in selling the house or money.

    but DH and his bro are not emotionally close, his bro never asks how Dh is doing.

    Dh says sometimes he has had closer conversations with the coffee guy in dunkin donuts than his bro.

    now my cook , born in very poor family. somehow 1 person got citizenship in usa and within span of 20 years family and every extended family is here. So united, spending close times , helping each other kids.

    i have seen the same in my mom house, siblings helped each other lot and are emotionally close too.

    I am jealous of my cousin, who inspite of having own house, went ahead and rented close to their sibliings so that they can spend time as they grow old.


    i have 2 kids.
    what made me conclude, no matter how much i advise, the decisions they will take as adults cannot be influenced, if they feel they must share and help they will. EGO and status cannot come in between. choices made as adults will always be different.
     
  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Needtobestrong,

    My comment is restricted to only men. Ask those who have no siblings and they would complain they never knew many life skills due to not having an elder sibling. They can't learn everything from the parents.

    However, a person who is born with an older sibling, I classify the sibling relationship into various stages:

    1) Childhood - There is an excellent sharing and caring during this period. Older sibling would go for a fight if younger sibling is intimidated. Fulfilling the wishes of the younger sibling is one of the goals of the older sibling.

    2) Adolescent - Only area where there could be friction is in telling your friends are yours and mine is mine and don't cross over to my friend's territory. They like to keep the secrets among friends and not with the sibling because they make me smoking, drinking or running around the city looking for pretty girls.

    3) Married life - Rivalry grows as the focus becomes how well my family is doing when compared to my brother's family, whose education is producing the best results, who is aggressively pursuing career, whose wife gets the bragging rights and so on.

    4) Older age - The fight for inheritance of parent's property including whether the distribution of assets should happen based on number of grandchildren- Who needs to look after the parents and in what proportion - Whose children are doing well?

    This is not necessarily true with all families. It depends directly on siblings involved. Both of them should be good in order to have a fruitful relationship.
     
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  10. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    It often depends on how the parents treat the children. Especially between the ages of 15-16 and as the children grow into adulthood. Do parents play favorites, discriminate based on gender, and whether parents had the children after making sure they can afford them. How parents handle children reaching different levels of accomplishment in life is also key.

    From what I have seen, parents set the tone for the relationship that the children have in their adult lives. Unfortunately, most parents muddle their way through this management of relationship with adult children and set up their children for life-long bitterness and cold relationship even when there are no property disputes and that remain long after the parents are dead and gone.

    One advantage of siblings is that the adult child does not have to make decisions about parents' care and sickness alone. Sibling might not help financially or physically but can be there as a support or a person to talk things over with.
     

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