Is it OK to live together with your Spouse before Marriage?

Hi,
Just wanted to say something. For girls who never fell in love before marriage and directly ventured into arranged marriage, do you guys feel that this living together might work. Its a huge stretch of imagination but asking ...

Because me and DH are totally different poles in all our beliefs, viewpoints on issues, habits etc. I find so many of his opinions irritating, offensive and illogical and vice versa. His pursuits in life are totally different from mine. So if I had got a chance to live with him for a few months as a friend or a lover, I would have probably backed out and saved so much agony and pain. His and my expectations of a spouse are diagonally opposite and even meeting somewhere in the middle is questionable. Given this opportunity, myself and DH would have benefitted a lot from this arrangement )

What are the views of other ladies who had typical arranged marriages ?

 

I thought I wouldn't respond to a "cultural difference" poll... there is no sense in stating the obvious yet another "it depends" , but mlk's post made me respond

In an arranged marriage or even love marriage, there are so many opinions, beliefs, habits that differ yes, but who's to say that these very same opinions and beliefs would not change as we move ahead in life and situations change...

Values dont change, and values would be your yardstick for compatibility

Yes, maybe if I had been given the chance to live with my husband (Arranged marriage!) before marriage, even I would not have got married to him (And I probably would not have got married to any other person too) because with any relationship comes adjustment, constant work at the relationship and commitment... With an arranged marriage the commitment part comes before the love part - hence we do work towards it... my DH and I have several differences of opinions and beliefs but we had a commitment to each other and the respective families and Hence, we worked out the differences and concentrated on the positives in our lives...

And as we had similar value structure, we were happy to make it work...

Maybe if I had lived with him without marriage, I would not have had the commitment to work on our differences... it is easier to give up a fight in life when you are not committed... This is to answer mlk's question about arranged marriages with live in relationship...

But, I am glad I have made it work because being in a loving relationship makes you see the world with a whole new perspective ...

 

I agree with Harini. If you look at a relationship as a "trial run", you will always keep searching for the next best partner. Because reality is, no relationship is perfect. When I moved in with my hubby, we had our fights, our differences... but like Harini mentioned, to make things work you've got to adjust and have commitment.

MLK, I think there are better ways to get to know a person than chosing a live in relationship. In an arranged marriage scenario, maybe a girl could ask to spend time with her would-be, go out on a few dates to see a movie, talk at a coffee shop, etc. Also, the parents could look for someone with similar outlook as their child. Too many times a high paying job or good family status seal the deal, when it might have been better to look at the groom's character, personality, and compatability with the bride.

Visu, definitely I agree with you. Culture does influence us, no question about that. I'm not against it either. In fact, I like most traditions of ours! Just some small points I disagree on.

In all culture's there are expectations, now which ones we choose to follow is up to us. Maybe I follow some tradition another lady does not, and vice versa. Afterall, isn't culture of our own making? Just a thought. :coffee

 

Yesterday, I didn't have time to read the response of all others, I was just concentrating on ASG, as her responses seemed interesting.

Please, please, if anyone thought I was being prudish or trying to being a one-upman, sorry you are mistaken. I was no more than curious to know ASGs reasons - I was expecting more that she faced problems with her family who may have forced her into another marriage or sort off. And her response also turned out to similar to what I thought. With me, it is also not the case of hypocritical men versus gutsy women - that I would classify as an unnecessary generalization and oversimplification. Men too are as complex as woman only that they keep most things to themselves and don't want to look as emotionally dependent.

OK coming back to the poll, I would also go with the obvious choice - "it depends".

People would be able to unbiasedly evaluate the moving-in option before marriage - if they take off the "testing waters thing" or "having sex before marriage thing" - out of their mind as prejudices. Now from the responses of ASG we all know that her reason for moving-in has everything to do with her parents refusal and to her own commitment to her DH and that she doesn't want to keep him waiting (and so on) but had nothing to do with the obvious prejudices that I stated in my last sentence.

 

Hello All:hiya

I have even voted for it depends!! Each ones life is different from others with different circumstances .Now Many girls study outside their hometowns ,go abroad ,work outside .Before such situations did not arise so frequently . so when the situation arises the question arises too!!
If our NRI friends say that living together is not common in India then I must say that you are highly mistaken .I had read about the first living together article around 9-10 years back in a local newspaper.
Growing up I heard and saw many aquaintances opting for that .
Mind you they were long way to marriage .
Just visit the cities with high number of student population and working youngsters .You will find it very common .It is also very common among students(born,educated in India) staying abroad and studying .
I have seen it myself.
Pre-marital sex is a very much hyped word used amongst Indians .Unable to shrug off culture and traditions and yearning to do what feels right for the moment ,most go for a double standard attitude. If parents allow their children to go to a different city or country and the child gets into a serious relationship , it is no doubt that "many" would not only be "singing bajans".:hide:
I do not understand !!Do all Indians living abroad think people staying in India are Dehatis??Everyone knows what One Night Stand is (even in India) !! Its all changing in India whether this is for good or bad no one knows. It may be surprising but true! And we have to do Generalisation coz we cannot talk about individual cases in forum!!

Just my 2 cents.

 

I say it depends
*it depends on your thinking
*it depends on your partners willing too
*it depends on the culture you are bought up
*it depends on the society where you are living

Well this is really a nice topic.I could not go through the whole posts but I am giving my view.Well for NRIs this might be easy to live together even before marriage.But in India things are just changing now. And does the question mean to understand each other by staying together marriage and then get committed. Then it makes no difference than dating. But if you are planning to stay together life long or you want to marry and it takes time. Then if both of them like it they can go ahead with this. And about sex during this time. Yeah it surely happens at that age and when you are together with your loved ones. You can surely not stop it.
coming to me if someone asks me I will say a big NO though.cause I am bought up in culture which says this is wrong. cause my society wont accept it and cause I do care for the society to certain extent.

anyways
nice topic.felt good sharing views about it..

cheers
:cheers

 

If both the persons who are making these decisions are mature and committed, then it is ok I think. It depends on their circumstances. But I think in India this is very less and that too mostly prevalent in the metros. I am not saying that people from smaller towns would not like to, but in such close knit communities, it is difficult to get away with such non traditional behaviour.

 

A very debatable topic!!!

what i think is if the girl and the guy are committed then whats wrong?:thumbsup

but,for casual flings ,i would say a complete no-no:bowdown

Neha S

 

Going by the value systems and beliefs that have been inculcated in me, and going by the way I have been brought up, I personally would not live together with a guy if I was not married.

However, I would not care if someone chose to, irrespective of whether they are physically intimate or not, choose to get married or not! so as far as the poll question goes, my vote was for "I don't know"

:coffee

 

Hi Ladies,

Nice topic. I would like to throw my views on it . According to me there are some conditions whether we can stay or not like that with our DH before wedding. There are prons and cons in that. In one way I will tell YES but my other side is telling NOT GOOD.

Merits-

1. Situations can lead for living together
2. Can understand each other well
3. It will become a memorable event in our married life


Demerits-

1. Say suppose your marriage is haulted(due to any reason) - may not occur in all cases. Iam telling an example
2. DH is not a good guy
3. Then ladies life will become a question mark
4. Outside people will sure talk bad and finally its a bad name on us
5. Not all men are same. Ladies should be very very extra careful before they decide anything.

In USA it can be 500% freedom to stay like that but in INdia its impossible. I recently saw a post - A girl telling that she got pregnant but her BF left her. Think about situations like this. :bowdown

So my advice is - NOT GOOD