Is It Fair For Me And My Husband To Stay Married?

OP,
No offense but..you both went for counselling and shared your views.Here in this forum, we see only your views. So, its not fair to judge your marriage based on ur POV alone.

All i can say is, even love marriages have difficult times in the initial years..atleast now dont listen to anyone who says everything will be alright when u have second kid or once kid goes to school. Be ur own judge and take ur own decisions..if possible with H. I hope the counselling will help u see the differences and embrace them.

 

I am baffled at the way parents are fixing matches. Dont they analyse that the 2 are not compatible? I think they should take full responsibility for this state..
Wat is ur parents take on ur marriage situation?

 

How long have you been attending marriage counseling and are you both willing to make efforts pursuant to the recommendations of the therapist or are either of you just going through the motions? It is not right for him to say you are "not enough" for any reason really, just as you could say he's not "American" enough. It sounds like you don't feel like he is trying to understand and appreciate who you are for you. May I ask why you agreed to an arranged marriage if you grew up in the US?

It will take time to work through the anger and resentment that exists, but if both of you are making the effort it may subside in time as you each see that you see each other's perspectives more. The key is that you both have to make the effort - and sometimes even with that, true it doesn't work out, but it doesn't sound like you are quite at that point yet. With counseling, sometimes it also gets worse before it gets better because both of you are putting everything out there honestly.

 

OP, I suggest you go for counseling for yourself too, because you've discovered something very important about yourself. If you're asexual & have to have sex to "please" him, it's going to be traumatic. You're subjecting yourself to an experience that all your instinct revolt against.

Therapy here will benefit you & ultimately your decision about your marriage.

Your husband must be feeling undesirable. In a loving marriage also if one partner is asexual, it throws up a lot of problems for the other. But for the sake of the love they may compromise or come to an understanding.

Listen to yourselves the two of you. Decide to be good co-parents, even if you are not good in a marriage. Take sex off the table while you are going to therapy, tell him you should live separate lives for a bit, give each other lots of space. Set up a running schedule for your son & have family time. This you do for your son, not have sex, not have bitter silences.

What's done is done. Indians don't understand about compatibility & relationship. Declare a truce: we are not at fault, but we have a beautiful boy. You change your attitude, and let him adjust his. Please change your mindsets to adulting. As in, going forward we are in charge of how we feel, act, think, & conduct our lives. Brook no interference. You're an American, you know what I mean. Most of all, decide to be kind.

You may not save your marriage but 3 whole people can emerge from this.

Go have a long think, tell your body to relax, set your inner dial purposefully to 'good change' & walk in that direction.

Be good to yourself. You deserve it. And your family will benefit. Your son will thank you one day, because you will have shown him that it is possible to change course midway, because something is so clearly not working, & you can still succeed. He will come to you for help because you were honest & got help for yourself. Mistakes are ok. Failure is ok. Change is good. Attitude is all.

I wish you all the very best, & hope your family heals.

 

1. Are you not interested in intimacy because of your H or you were never really interested even before marriage? What would be ur suggestions for alternatives for ur H's sexual drive? He is a man and i guess he needs to satisfy it somehow.
2. I would commend your H for diligently attending the counselling sessions. Does it mean that he was not yet seriously thinking of seperation or divorce? In this forum soo many woman complained that their H wont attend any counselling sessions as he would feel that he is not at fault for the downhill of marriage..

 

Dear OP,

Read your other posts (from older days as well). Your sexual drive is not the only problem you are facing in your marriage. Already, your marriage was on the rocks! Are you (or your counselor) sure that you are asexual? or is it due to the lack of emotional bonding with your H that you are not able to perform?

From your other posts, I could see that your H was very controlling. He married an NRI woman who was born & brought up in US and expected her to be like a typical Indian wife or I must say submissive wife (even in India, a lot of women no longer fall in that category!) and accused you of not "Indian-enough" when you didnt meet that expectation. He wanted an old-fashioned wife, who, as per the Indian marriage rules, would distant herself from her family and in no time adjust with and get attached to his family, obey his rules, cover up for him and save his face in front of her family - the list goes on. His plan to move to India, his reluctance to meet and mingle with your family are outcomes of this attitude. So, its understandable that you had a tough time and you are now seriously contemplating divorce.

But, on the other hand, he now is attending the counselling sessions with you and is being co-operative (a vast majority of men don't do this). So, does that mean that he is trying to make the marriage work? If yes, is that because of his family pressure (considering they are conservative)? or, for the kid? Whatever the reasons are, if he puts in genuine efforts to make it work then its worth putting in your efforts as well! When both the parties involved make genuine effort and meet middle-ground things may work!

First, consult a physician and try to sort out and confirm, whether you are truly asexual? I am not sure how this can be done or whether it can be done, maybe other ILites can offer help here.
Based on that, have an open conversation with your H. If it turns out that your are asexual, ask him what his plans are. If he wants divorce, go ahead. Tell him clearly that this is how you are and he cannot expect you to be co-operative and initiate too -like someone already said, that would be traumatizing for you. DON'T PUNISH YOURSELF!
If it turns out that you can work on and improve your drive and its due to your current situation, convey that clearly - Tell him, unless, he is helpful in forming an emotional bonding and better understanding, you would not be able to meet his expectations in bed!
Based on how the conversation go, take your decision!

Hope, the counselling sessions have given him enough sense to change his attitude towards you and you both would find a middle-ground and work from there! ALL THE BEST!!

 

Very true! They don't yet understand that, things will be alright when they start living together no more holds good in this age!
And, whether they take responsibility or not the sufferers (in many cases lifelong misery) are the young ones!
Worst case, some parents force their children (mostly daughters) to "adjust" and stay in the marriage!
Pray the OP's parents should be supportive of whatever decision she is going to make!

 

Are you sure that you are an asexual?
Because some women have a very low drive after pregnancy/delivery and the postpartum takes a toll on their sex life. This may be coupled with your other tensions, such as compatibility issue, cultural problems etc...
So, obviously for many women in your shoes, sex may be the last option.
No one can't connect, specially women can't never connect with a man sexually when they are emotionally very much distance.
When sex happens, both your mind and body should work for it. If mind fails to connect, it would be very difficult.
In your case, you should introspect this thing first.
Whether you do not have sexual feelings at all? Have you ever aroused sexually?
Forget about your H and the issues for now. Just think whether you are ok without a sexual life?
People are born as asexual, and some develop very low drive over the time due to various reasons. If it is related to pregnancy hormones, better you check with a relevant doctor in this regard.

Now that, have an open talk with your spouse about everything that you discuss with the counselor and here. See what is his opinion about all this.
First of all you both should be happy and enjoy or at least survive your life as a couple to become parents to your son.

In your eyes, you are forced to have sex while your sexual orientation is different. It may feel cruel after sometimes, but it may be equally amount to cruelty for your H to starve from sex when he is young and hot blooded.
When both of you are unhappy, it will be very difficult to stay in a marriage happily. All the nitty gritty things will blow up and create a rift between the two of you. This will eventually affect your growing son.

If your only reason to stay in this marriage is the kid, you may better find alternatives like how to co-parent the kid, and how to divide the responsibilities, and how to satisfy his expectations as parents then and there. There are ways, and you are better off with this alternate plan than trying the conventional marriage.
Speak with your husband.