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Is How People Are Now?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Mehana, May 21, 2019.

  1. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi my mother always taught me to be a gracious hostess, offering tea, snacks etc. This does not mean other people reciprocate. I have friends that have dinners, meals etc at my house and I have yet to see the inside of their houses. It is ok, if you are ok with it. If they are good friends then accept them the way they are. If they are just friends through kids, or acquaintances don't sweat it. Stop inviting them, and if you do decide what you will serve them. I am the type of person that no matter who comes to my home I offer them multiple things. So just leave it at that.
     
    SunPa, vrikshakadali, Amica and 6 others like this.
  2. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Gold IL'ite

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    Hi @Mehana this how are some people are.
    Especially in abroad scenario, with expats.
    It's little hard to get friends who are with you.
    When I first came here I believed aquitances are friends I helped them in every possible way squeezing my time n energy.
    Then had a real bad experience with aquitances and long last friends 'travellers' last treating my home as bed& breakfast. You can see my threads.and had neighbors few good few different ones.
    Potluck you won't believe some people would bring a small quantity and some would bring so much. I always believed in feeding good taste, nice gourmet food for potluck, enough for everyone. But when I saw they were not reciprocating same, treated me differently for being vegetarian. I stopped going to potlucks, rathers gave dinners to my friends and my husband's friends. Attending events only for my kid and husband. Else I'm happy alone than in a bad company
    I made friends with American neighbors, Asians...I understood one thing friends are about mindset no need to belong same race, nationality, language etc.
    I feel other than desis other people have gratitude. For our people whatever we do not enough, always have something to say.
    Calculative too. I gave free rides to school pickup 2 people when I moved to other place, still they expected. I said no. They completely stopped talking to me. I helped for 8 months daily!
    it's good that they left find like minded people. Else draw a clear boundry. Hi-bye that's it.
     
  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Very true
     
  4. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I am one of those moms that wants to teach their kids to share but often forgets to take extra snacks while running out of the house .
    I am not too fond of cooking, barely manage to invite anyone.
    My WhatsApp is loaded with messages from family, friends, groups etc. I might respond to messages two days later or sometimes a week later. Sometime I start typing to reply and the kids have brought the house down before I hit send !!
    I don’t do any of this deliberately . The only thing I am thinking about is how to keep my sanity.
     
  5. Mehana

    Mehana Gold IL'ite

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    Your reply matches me a lot.

    Yes you're absolutely correct. Even now if she comes I will still offer some snacks as that how I brought up and I cannot be like a robot.

    Yes my kids playdates are mostly with non Desis...the reason, they are more easy going and teach kids if they are not listening or sharing or other issues more than that not taking advantage of anyone.

    I had bad experiences with the desis here being in USA for very long time but I haven't seen such a selfish mom..I vented here so that I can get some responses from everyone which helps me to get a piece of mind.

    Thanks
     
    hermitcrab, Vedhavalli and anika987 like this.
  6. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Okay..to put your mind to little bit ease,if she is anything like me..she does not dislike you but she wants to maintain a boundary so that she does not get hurt in the long run.

    She could be thinking if she being aloof will make you keep some space.Yes,it is annoying but honestly give people some benefit of doubt.

    People jump to conclusions and act differently around people who keep aloof.Inwardly,they are also human who want people to love and give love.Just to go through any small hurt is stressful.

    Here abroad..the expectations is a lot!!!

    In India, even if we hardly meet friends or relatives,we don’t expect much coz one way or the other we keep meeting people or there is so much going on.Infact,we need more privacy there.I don’t even remember thinking when my friends or neighbors will call or reciprocate in India!

    Here it is so quiet,expectations are a bit more.Not that it is wrong but since the choice of people are also less,we try to force ourselves to make friends.Infact,half the people I meet here won’t even be my acquaintances back in India..The fake smiles,potlucks and play dates..hmm

    Anyways,but if that friend gives only one or two biscuits to the kid..it is wrong.I make sure to give any kid who comes to my home some snack or the other.

    She could have also mentioned when she is leaving.that was also not nice.

    Infact..if I don’t want someone I won’t send my kids to play dates and try to confuse them.

    She does seem selfish.Good riddance
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2019
  7. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    :hello:Familiarity breeds attempt and or contempt.
    God bless.
     
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  8. shyamala1234

    shyamala1234 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Mehana,
    Friendship.... it starts with acquaintance, saying hello, if kids are of the same age play dates start. Draw a line and do not go overboard. Be nice, courteous, offer them something when they visit you. Do not have any expectations. Over a period of time if wavelengths are similar then friendship develops. Then one starts sharing.
    Potlucks... a big No. That creates a lot of politics. If you want... Invite to your house, prepare what you can.
    Syamala
     
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  9. Mehana

    Mehana Gold IL'ite

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    @anika987 @shyamala1234

    You guys are correct

    But the friendship or playdate should be done on two ways if they have interest. My case she really wants playdate for her kid that why she comes 2-3 times a week but why just me always have open door policy for her?? To the dumbest I realized this after a few months...

    If you able to afford why can't you just share some snacks if you have kids around you...it shows super selfish..but people are there around us covered their face with selfish, jealous, dominant, negative attitude...

    Good lesson learnt after a long time...if people want to have playdate or continue friendship they should put some effort as well otherwise person like me better to say hi and bye... anyway these people not going to help me in need of emergency or just a simple help
     
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  10. magicwand007

    magicwand007 Bronze IL'ite

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    I disagree with few people here who have said you should give her the benefit of doubt.
    If she really had some problem or couldn’t invite you over to her place ,she would have atleast mentioned it or would have not sent her kids to your house So many times as she clearly cannot return the gesture.

    OP, I think she is just a thoughtless person who just wants to make sure her kids are not bored but does not want to inconvenience herself by calling your kids for a play date.
    I have seen that few people will spend a lot on themselves and their family but do not show even a penny to others.

    Otherwise there is no reason why she can’t get a few extra biscuits when she can clearly afford a huge house.
    If I were you I would stay away from her.you will definitely find good friends.you should not have to compromise just because you are an expat!!
     
    Mehana likes this.

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