Is His Attitude Right?

Yes, definitely you are over-reacting....I feel as per your post. Its a simple matter of satisfying him in bed, which is your duty as a wife. Its your ignorance which is making you think you will become his daasi blah blah if you do as he wants in bed. C'mon now, You should try your best, all different ways to satisfy him and ofcourse same applies to him also. Happy healthy sex life is very essential for a happy marriage. If you are physically uncomfortable then express it to him in a calm gentle way and look for an alternate method to satisfy him.

 

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Is he just asking you to try different position?
Or he is asking stuff like swinging?
First one is ok second not.

 

Thats right!

 

Op...very few couples have the same desires in life.
While he may want some variety ...you want straight forward vanilla sex(basic IC).
You may consider his request wrong ,he may find your expectations wrong.
Some people even think kissing on the mouth or tongue in the mouth is western influence. Someone like me would consider Ic without proper kissing disgusting.
The word 'Basic IC' is not very tempting

May be he finds straight IC without any effort to make it interesting quite disinteresting.
May be he finds basic IC not satisfying .
You can't have it your way only....because it takes two to tango. A bit of variety will also hopefully involve and end in IC....so you will get what you want too.
Since you seem to be the demanding party here and he is the supplying party...you will both have to meet midways.
Try it once his way and once your way.....

 

Your husband is wrong. Quite simply sex is not a one way street. He has to keep you emotionally happy and give you sufficient affection before he can even begin to discuss (not demand) his fantasies. I'm afraid **** has distorted the minds of many men - especially ones with not enough personal experience... they seem to get a kick out of the impersonal subjection. If t doesn't work for both parties, it's not right for the relationship.

The way he is approaching this - holding you to ransom without providing you with basic respect and affection is appalling.

Ask him to go out for counselling with you. If he won't, do reevaluate whether staying in this abusive marriage is what is right for your child...

PS: unless he is fulfilling his end of the bargain especially emotionally, it is absolutely in not the effing wifely duties to even touch him with a ten foot pole.

 

Good evening pinkyTulip

I am to give you many points for writing a very honest and truthful answer without unduly trying to portray yourself as a woman who has been martyred by the the social prevalent condition. That's why , without hearing anything from your husband some ex-parte opinion can be formed but sadly enough , that opinion is not very much flattering for you. Without going into little details, let me first answer your queries first.

Q1 - are women generally expected to become' daasis' for their H?? and shud they satisfy him in allrespects and to any level of fantasy?

Ans-1 What do you mean by a daasi ? If you know the intimacy matters between husband and wife, you should admit, it is the only thing where physical satisfaction narrow psychological distances. Acceding to his request does not make you daasi but an intimate partner, which you have ruined by your assertive nature .

Q2 -2. I feel that what he is doing is like indirect force on me to satisfy his fantasy or else he will deprive me of the basic ic and is not ready to even come near me and stays away every night by watching movies till late night or sleeping immediately or staying in someother room and listening to music or tv or computer movies...
Ans- 2 Just ask yourself, are you always right on everything. What you feel or want is sacrosanct and your hubby is wrong ?

Now, look what you have done to him. You have forced him to get out of his old family and started a nuclear family. If your brothers wife (if you have ) does the same thing to your parents , will you justify her ? When you have drawn him him away from his parents, you should have compensated it my pouring in your care and concern. But, unfortunately you seem to have a Victorian ego and one-up-man-ship. If you want to be happy, perhaps you need to rebuild yourself as an affectionate woman and wife both.

May be my comments are little hard , but devoid of any prejudice.

 

I see so many men see men in nuclear family as victim of their wife.But it is expected from women to leave their family of origin and live in joint family.They are not seen as victim.
How we came this far??Our sacrifices are not even appreciated.They are expected.It just prove we shall limit sacrifices.It just doesnt work in long term.

 

In India, living in a joing family set up is perfectly a normal thing. So, asking a H to come out of his comfort zone requires too much work. Too much love, affection, sex etc..etc.. so that he sees your point. If not, his mom will pamper him as per her ways, so that he sticks to what is taught to be right.
Even if he comes out to lead a nuclear life, he will be left in guilt for his choice. The parents and society will do their role to keep a man vulnerable for his choice, and a woman responsible for this.
This is where we live in. So, we must so something extra to get out of it.

You were rightly identified your PILs as a provoking source for your fights. So, you chose to get out of that hell.
Now that your H is with you. Have you done anything in return for his favor?
Don't argue that you'll (the women) have come out of their nest to live with a man, so why can't men do this?
You had no choice, so as per the society's rule you were raised to believe that your birth home is not your permanent home. So, moving out of your birth home would not make you feel guilt. The society would not blame you for that. Your parents won't curse you for that.
But it is different for a man. He must have definitely faced some drama at home/probably in the society too, for his choice.
Since he has crossed this hurdle for you, you must definitely reward him.
Else, he will surely keep the grudges, and guilt forever.

Understanding is utmost important in a marriage life. You refuse to understand your H's POV, and he refuse to understand your POV. Then how come you can lead a peaceful life under one roof, that too with all these past grudges and guilt feelings?

Expecting varieties of sex is something normal. But you refuse to give it thinking it is something westernized. Even if that is westernized, it is not wrong to enjoy it. It doesn't make you a Dhaasi. Your preconceived notions on things like this would further distance your H from you.

On the other hand, he is starving you from sex, because you did not satisfy his desire. There is definitely something wrong.
Is he pleasing himself alone? Satisfying his desire through someone else?

If I were you, I would have handled it differently.
Since your H is guilt ridden for this nuclear life, sex is a good way of changing him.
Given the fact that he has sexual fantasies, which are almost unreal in a joint family set-up, you can please him with all the varieties with the luxury of privacy here. This will truly convince him that his choice, after listening to his wife on this nuclear life is right. He may chose to consult you for further decision making down the line.
Also, no amount of nagging from his mom on this regard gonna work as long as he is satisfied and happy in his nuclear life.

Marriage is all about give and take... Since you are demanding a nuclear life, and happy sex life, why don't you give something to get something more? Just try..