Is divorce a permanent solution to my problem???

swapna135 · Jan 3, 2014

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here i am back to this forum for a genuine advise and support from all of you. i am married for 9 years now and have 2 kids of age 7 and 3 yrs. some time back i was in this forum seeking advice for my husbands physical abuse on me. However we reconciled in March 2013. Few months were fine. but then again he started showing up his colors but this time it was not physical abuse, but a verbal abuse and a mental torture. he started accusing me saying i flirt with everyone, though its a vegetable vendor, milk man, or any neighbour. he says i jollyfy men. when we both had been to one of the wedding receptions of our neighbour he accused me of staring at men. anywhere we go he always verbally abuses me of seeing other men. the very recent incident is 15days back, where he says that he got a call from one number and that person told that ur wife has an affair with her boss. this incident happend when he was in his office and he least bothered to check if that call was a genuine and immediately rushed in to my office and started behaving very aggressively with me. the way he was creating a scene there was seen by many of the staff, security, drivers, ayahs etc. by the ways i work in one of the reputed educational institutions as HR. and then i sent him saying i would come home and we will sort out the issues. and started immediately. as he confirmed that i was on the way to home. he again went to my office and behaved very aggresively with my superior asking him directly "Do you have affair with my wife","I will get people (rowdies) and kidnap you and dont mind even killing you, if the call wat i got is true", "my wife is not satisfying me in s*x since 2 yrs, may be she is enjoying here with you tats y she is doing this to me". after reaching home i tried calling him, his mobile was swiched off, i dint know he had been to my office and after he came home we went to police station to complaint about that number. and meanwhile my brother confirmed that its a TATA Docomo number 8951055098, and google has many complaints on this number. i took my husband to cyber and showed him all the complaints on this particular number. even then he dint trust me, he started saying me that if you happily enjoy with him and come home should i close my eyes and sit. you want more of s*x so you go to anyone.next day they asked(office heads) asked us to come together to discuss and sort out the matter. but even with them he talks the same. he says them that my wife should not work here. they made me resign on the spot. i am jobless now. i lost a very dignified career in a good place. since then i am getting into depression crying every day. after hearing all these abuse i feel like killing my self. i am from a very decent and disciplined family and my parents and we have a good name in the place we live as we are living here since ages. i dont feel like living with this person any more as he always suspects my character. speaks vulgar language. if i have password to my mobile it means i have p*rn in it, if i wear saree to office he says do i go to pose for blue films. i am fed up of this. please advice me on how do i proceed with my divorce. since this incident i am in my parents house. Kindly suggest me, if i file for divorce 1. should i go to lawyer and send him(my husband) a notice,2. will my children be with me. 3. the house which me and my husband are staying the land is given by my parents however he has invested 15Lakhs to construct the house. so should we give him this money back. 4. whether i can start looking for a new job. 5. any other challenges please advice thanks

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Akanksha1982 · Jan 4, 2014

Hi Swapna, hugs to you. Looking at his history, i think you should leave him. Settle all the accounts if you can. i see no point in continuing with this marriage. You already gave a chance and he misused it to the fullest. His coming to your office and insulting you and your boss is ridiculous. Best Wishes and Good Luck.

littl · Jan 4, 2014

hello OP..
at some point i feel that he need counseling and also i see his acts are psychopath.
you can try to change him in a harsh way or.........
Get a life by Applying divorce and also make lawyer to send him notice that your husband need to leave the house even he spent any money and u stay with your kids and parents peacefully. after that if he disturb you any way u can file a case on him even u can do now but get rid of him first. get a job and take care of your kids. good luck.

cutiepie66 · Jan 4, 2014

is he mentally sound? looks like he has some psychological issues. Any normal person will not behave like this.

Maddy2087 · Jan 4, 2014

Hi Swapna,

I can very clearly tell you the manipulation technique applied by your husband in this case. He made a story of you having affair with your boss by lying to you that the call conveyed him the message of you having affair with your boss. He came to your office and created an unreasonable scene which ultimately gave you a pink slip on the spot. Wow, and his job was done. He embarrassed you , put you down, you became a mockery in the office and now you have no job in your hand. He didn't like your independence and wanted to break you . Its all simple straightforward manipulation technique.

Your husband sure is suffering from serious psychological disorder . He is a patient and needs medical counseling which is the toughest thing because people suffering from such disorders hardly acknowledge the problem. Yes divorce / separation is the final decision that you can take for the betterment of your kids and yourself too. I know how it feels to be living with a Psychopath because my husband was making my life super hell and i had only one option ahead of me which was Divorce.Please collect all the evidences and file a divorce petition at the earliest. Please seek a very good lawyer .

With Love,
Maddy

beingloved · Jan 4, 2014

Start looking for a job
Take him into counselling
File a divorce

soulhappy · Jan 4, 2014

I am sorry to hear this dear. Your husband doesnot deserve a good wife. He is a jerk and he deserves punishment. He spoilt your career and he has questioned your character.
I wiuld suggest
1) File for a divorce
2) Settle the house
3) if your children are both females and young, I think you will have custody and he will have visitation rights.
4)Make sure you get a job , but make sure that your husband doesnot know about. May God bless you and give you strength to move on... Hugs and best wishes..

backhere · Jan 4, 2014

Dear Swapna,
I'm sorry to hear what you have gone through. I think you have given enough of your time to someone who does not deserve it.
You should definitely give me the notice and settle all accounts, find a job.
I will tell you a few things that you must be prepared for
1- its not going to be easy financially or socially
2- You will have a lot of people around you to make you feel like you have done the wrong thing. So make sure you have good friends/ family to fall back on for emotional support.
3- Taking care of young kids by yourself can have a toll on you, so be prepared for the hard ship;
4- rest assured you will have peace!

PS: if you are in talking terms with your Inlaws you should tell them to have him checked up by a psychiatrist

Best of luck. may god bless you and your kids

swahini · Jan 4, 2014

Wow, thats appalling, although I admit, we don't know his account.

I am not saying, you are lying, at the same time, if this goes to court, I have no idea how the lawyers will tweak every issue. I hope your 7 year old is on your side and understands what goes on. I am sure, she/he will be pulled in too (I seriously hope I am wrong).

That said,
- Get your family and friends involved.
- Make a written record of this and have copies with multiple folks (Sending emails is best option).
- Prepare for exit, without him knowing anything. You should maintain the situation as it is, be it abusive, you crying etc.
- Ask family for help to file for divorce.
- Keep old job superiors in loop. I am not too sure how they will respond, but if they are kind enough, they will reconsider.
- Have a backup phone, which he should not be aware of.
- Whatever valuables you may have, escort them out to a trustworthy family or friend member.
- One fine day, just leave with the kids without him knowing anything.

Again, have someone (or two) trustworthy friends, family or neighbors around. Don't do it all by yourself.
Good Luck.

swapna135 · Jan 4, 2014

"PS: if you are in talking terms with your Inlaws you should tell them to have him checked up by a psychiatrist "

Dear backhere,

Thanks for ur advice. by the way what u have suggested above here, for all the trauma, abuse and including the recent my job lost incident i have informed his brother(elder) and also his sister's husband, who call themselves as elders and decision makers of their family, inspite of crying and narrating them the entire incident on the same day of occurrence and they promised that they would come and discuss but then they have not turned up till date.