Is controlling parenting uncommon or common in Indian culture?

Hello Loving 2011,

My previous message with family quotes was a reply to your latest above posting. It was not meant to your old postings. I am sorry , if you correlated the " family togetherness through thick and thin " message to your old postings context. I can't help you.

But yesterday's posting of mine was strictly meant to this posting of yours about you hear your mother saying ;

1. Get married by 25 age ( security reasons , that's how I see it )
2. Do not date certain person ( she must have meant financially stable person )
3. Become Engineer or Doctor ( actors success rate is low comparing to Engineers or doctors , it's a fact )

Your mother saying these above things have nothing to do with...... how your step dad had molested you & how she kept quiet , isn't it ?

You accepted that you have perceived your mom's sayings ( safety measures ) as control.

I hope you see the diverse contexts / different scenarios of your postings .

 

Hello Loving 2011,

I am not discouraging your younger generation......... for thinking out of the box,
Thinking out side of the box, comes with a price and most parents are concerned of repercussions.

God can not come every where , so , he sends a mother to be there with every child.

In your case , if god had not sent a mother , I feel sorry for you .

 

I know I'm really late in replying to this thread, but I just found it and created an account because I felt completely relatable to everything you said. Yes, Indian parents love their children and want to do direct them in every possible way that they feel will only aid their children. But there are many times that I felt a vibe of self pride from my parents. If they knew that they directed their children to fields of medicine or engineering, my dad would proudly tell everyone without hesitation. I am the "rebellious" child of my family. I know many of the people will condemn me when I say that I ran away from home when I was 18 years old because I cracked. I couldn't handle the parental pressure even though I knew they only meant to be helpful. It hurt me emotionally and mentally to a point where I couldn't even focus while doing things THEY wanted me to do.

My dad, being an engineer, wanted his kids to do engineering/medicine/anything along the highest of professions. I wanted to study Earth Science, and at the time of applying for universities, my dad sat there with the laptop in his hands and started entering all my info for me and refused to enter Earth Science saying "I never knew you liked that stuff..." First of all, he was entering my personal info, second of all, he told me he didn't know what I liked even though I have many times mentioned how much I love learning about the earth while he was in denial of it or thought nothing of it but a petty interest, thirdly, he referred to my interests as "that stuff" as if it was some gross thing. In fact, when we went to any sort of social event with Indians, he'd tell them "my daughter got this odd idea about earth science in her head..." and would humiliate me and make me look bad. In the end, when I ran away from home, they respected my Earth science option only out of fear of me running away again rather than actually respecting my decision. I know running away seems very immature, but at the moment I WAS immature because of the way I was brought up. While I was away and not in contact with them though, I felt a very heavy burden was lifted and started doing many activities like getting a job from which I learned about the importance and value of money and saving, I volunteered a lot more and got to meet many people, I surely failed in many relationships, sometimes had bills and university that I had to scrape off, but it all helped me in becoming a better person. There was so much of the world I could see from beyond the window/barrier that my parents put in front of me. I did start calling them after a bit to let them know how I was doing, and when I said that I was fine and doing well they just kept telling me to come back home and they'll "work out" the issues. Honestly, my dad is very manipulative and "working out" is always only in his benefit. I had to come back home after a year due to some personal problem I was facing that I cannot mention here, but they took that opportunity of my vulnerability to send me to India. I am doing Earth science in India now, but I still feel confined. My dad has somehow convinced himself that earth science is similar to engineering... It just never ends with the parents, eh? Can they not see I may be unhappy? Does my opinion not matter?

You can only protect someone to a certain extent, but to confine someone is not right. Many people on here are saying that the parents do it out of love. Sure they do. They love you so much that they would rather just jail you in a cell. My little brother is currently being pressure into doing engineering and my parents are planning out all the universities he needs to apply to. They don't even consult him. I've told him to do his own research and findings,etc. He tells me "I don't have the qualities of being an adult because I don't even know where to start and how." This, I can definitely blame on my parents for babying him...

For all of you that say "it is our culture" or "they do it out of love and concern", there used to be a time when it was customary for the wife to die alongside the husband. That was culture, but in what sense is it right? It has changed now and that is not followed because it was almost masochistic... Imagine a parent that loves their child so much and is scared of them getting sick because the world is full of infections. So they don't let their child ever leave the house. The parent is protecting their child from infections, but is it really worth the child not leaving the house and never getting sick (impossible!) than them going out and getting immune? Please don't say things like, "this does not relate to this topic" because that's just denial.

I'm currently in India, and most of the people I've met know their parents are controlling but just conform to it. Please don't say that it does not happen in India on a massive scale. While I can't generalize that all Indians go through this, I can definitely say that many Indians do. I see it everyday. It's sinks so deep even within daily routines. The teachers say something, the students will not question it at all, they will just comply... The teacher could be teaching bull**** for all they know, but they just believe everything they say.

The notion of westerners being distanced from their parents is completely false, by the way. I have plenty of white friends who argue with their parents in a respectful manner. They tend to have the best and most honest relationships with their parents. They tell their parents anything and everything, on their own, without being pressured to do so because they know their parents will respect their decisions even if they don't approve. They are so friendly with their parents and even listen to their parents advice because they "respect" them rather than "obey". To those who think that westerners don't take care of their parents in their old age, I have a few things to say. If their parents are sick, they definitely stay back to help them or take care of them. The reason they send them to old homes is because they know that they are not health professionals and if they were out or at work and something were to happen to their parent, they are in good hands. We all know that a nurse has better access to medication or materials required to take care of a patient. Their parents would be around people of the same age and/or conditions as them so they have a social circle and don't have to constantly be worried with petty familial issues, which in India is infinitely evident.

For the "dating black guys" comment... Many Indians are racist towards darker skinned people and consider them to be ugly and then hide the reality by calling it "preference". If a guy didn't date a girl because she was fat, that is preference because he opts for someone with a healthier lifestyle. But if she didn't date the girl because he thought being fat was ugly (which is usually how many people perceive it), that is not preference, that is mean!

 

I have been born and brought up in India, but luckily I can say that my parents were not controlling at all. They had complete trust in me and I agree that most of Indian parents don't treat their grown up kids as an adult. My DH always gets frustrated with his parents as they are over protective and try to control him. I think that you should make mistakes and learn from it, that's life. Parents are not going to be with their kids forever. Kids should be independent and learn to make their decisions on their own.

It is basic instinct of human to protect their kids and sometimes it takes over everything else and parents can not see anything beyond that. Parents should trust their kids , and kids should respect the trust and try not to break it.

just on the fun side : I also think it is in our culture to control your kids as they can not control anything else, otherwise there won't be IL forums filled with so many posts complaining about their ILs and mamma's boy DH :bonk

I am not saying it just like that, but I have seen people suffering because they were not able to make decisions or rely on their parents(or someone) to make decisions. I call it spoon-feeding.

 

Parents love to control their children. Not sure if that is an indian thing

 

It is pretty much universal. But Indian parents (and other Asian parents, and other traditional cultures) tend to be more "successful" at still getting their children to obey them, even as the rest of the world is changing.

I am of Indian descent (4/5th generation immigrant, depending on which great-grandparent you're looking at), but I was raised in a Westernized country. I've seen it all firsthand.

 

Ha ha.. Yea may be.. Don't have hard core stats here to prove my point. But I was watching desperate housewives and was laughing at the way ' Bree van de kamp tries to control her children. I felt that even western parents have the urge to control children when I saw ' total transformation program by James Lehman was making a fortune out of parents desperately trying to get their children to listen to them. Look, indian parents get their children to listen to them with out spending a penny on transformation programs.

even in ' bend it like beckham keira knightley's mom would be trying to control her from playing soccer and even more from meeting her girlfriend Jess

 

In Indian culture there is concept of compound family. All will enjoy life in one house of all the family members of all 3-4 generations. Though it is changing little bit. But old is gold. Respect to elders means respect to their years of experience. Family is like a company. Everybody will be a part of team. Everybody will respect to each other. Elders will take important decisions. And youngers will always enjoy by following elders decisions. Whole compound family at one place is like a powerful team.

Indian parents are not like western parents.estern parents are selfish for their enjoyment so they change their spouse every after few years. Indian parents love lot to their kids, so they will try to manage one spouse for whole life. They are not like western parents who change their spouse every after few years. W Indian parents will have priorities like kids, kids education, kids marriage etc and will not think of saving money for their retirement plan. As the Indian parents look after welfare of kids till the parents are alive. Western parent will think of their retirement plan first and save money for them.

 

Another word to say "controlling" means following the rules/laws of Indian family. Just enjoy the control. That is good for future. If something happens to kids, parents are the ones who gets most affected. Indian parents give full dedication to their kids, so they expect welfare of kids in return. Parents will have most study of kids. Kids in young age can have some unseen hidden miscalculations and can do wrong. The one who will mentally harassed will be parents.