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Is controlling parenting uncommon or common in Indian culture?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Loving2011, Dec 8, 2011.

  1. Loving2011

    Loving2011 Silver IL'ite

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    I don't know if it's too late to bump this up, but some other thoughts came into my head.

    Why is that we often hear (at least in my life) Indian adults saying:

    "I have to get married until I'm 25. I don't want to get married, but my parents say I have to!"

    "I can't date a black man, because of my parents. I really like black guys, but my parents would kill me."

    "I can only be a doctor or an engineer. I wish I could be an actress instead."

    With all due respect, this can be perceived as a form of control. The adult child has restrictions set upon him or her where they can't make their own choices about who they date, what job they will work, or what age they will marry.

    This looks like a difficult topic to discuss, so I'm not sure if I'm going to offend anyone with my observations.

    Is it safe to assume that most Indian parents let their adult children do as they want, since some of the posters here think controlling is uncommon?
     
  2. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Loving 2011,

    Getting married young, not going out with blacks, studying engineering or medicine are the norms in the Indian society. If you are over 30 and still unmarried, people start pestering the parents because it is considered parents' responsibility to get their kids married. Again dating black people is considered inappropriate by the society. Engineering and medicine are considered to be the most respectable profession and thus parents try to push their kids to pursue these so that they can be proud of their kids. Professions like arts, sports, acting etc. are too iffy and struggle is never ending in these professions.

    It is more about following norms than controlling the kids. Your parents have to be really brave to let you pursue a career in acting or date a black guy. Marrying in late 20s or even early 30s is becoming more acceptable these days and I don't think your parents are really going to put pressure on you to get married so early.
     
  3. Siat

    Siat Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Loving2011,
    I hope it´s ok, to step into Your topic.

    I faced similar problems like You, even though I´m not an Indian but German.
    I´ve read things in this topic like, it´s a western behavior to not take care of the children when they became adult.
    That "we"´re treating our parents like strangers and so on.

    But I like to say, that´s just a one-way view. Thera are others too.
    And it hurts me a little to read, how others things about "us".
    Well... Sadly it´s true, that this kind of big family in my country is fading.
    But that´s not the point why I´m stepping in.;-)

    I think, it´s just natural that parents want the best for their children.
    Doesn´t matter if they are Indians, Germans, Americans, Turkish or something else.

    My parents (especially my Mom) too were really controlling, ´cause they fear about my "safety".
    They didn´t let me meet my friends, going to parties or date.
    My Mom read my diaries (so I did stop writing), searched my things and wanted to know everything.
    Whom I met, what I did. And I had to make, think and say everything she (and my Dad) wants me to. And never ever I had to question the things they were doing/saying etc.
    Nothing was good enough, not even the best school grades.
    And so on...


    - "Parents are alway right!"-My GradDad used to say.
    - "Kids have to silent/to shut their mouth!"-My Dad said.
    And other things like that.

    But on the other hand...
    Well... If we (I have a brother as well) broke their "rules", even when we disappoint them in some way... There were a lot of emotionally and physically abuse, like denial of love (mostly words: "Such a nasty kid! I don´t love you anymore neither do God!" and something like that plus send me away in my room, where I had to stay several hours. She didn´t speak to me until I beg for pardon...) or spanking. Or we aren´t allowed to leave our room.
    And something like that.

    My Mom too thought, that she did right, ´cause she (and my Dad) were risen like that too. The didn´t know it better.
    And they always thought, it was for our best.
    They always wanted us to be good people, to have a good education (even though they wanted us to take the education, THEY wanted), to have a good partner and a happy and well settled life, and so on.

    As I said before:
    I think that parents always want the best for their children, and it didn´t depent on culture, "cast" or religion.
    And I like to think about it as "basic need".
    We all want to be well settled and a happy life, with good friends, a good partner, a good job.
    Needless to say, that we want it too for our children.
    The question is: "How do we archiev this "goal"?

    Because of my experiance in my family I became very sick. Suffered several years on Depression, hurts myself (because I didn´t know how to get rid of the pressure inside of me in other ways) and tried two times to kill myself (´cause I thought I was such a bad child that didn´t deserve to live...)...
    So I think, that the way of my parents wasn´t the "right" way.

    I leave my hometown and my family a few years ago. Since that time I made a couple of therapies so that I call myself today healthy again.
    But it was a very long, long and really hard way.


    Controlling a child (or even other people) with manipulation and emotionally and physically punishment...
    I don´t want and refuse this.

    After all todays some psychologists knew this kind of pedagogic as "Schwarze Pädagogik" (in German) or "poisonous/dark pedagogy".
     
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  4. Loving2011

    Loving2011 Silver IL'ite

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    Monita,

    I'm hoping you didn't mean anything bad by the "dating blacks is inappropriate" comment. Black people are human still just like Indians. Sorry if I misunderstood what you meant.

    Here's a link on what a controlling parent is:

    http://www.controllingparents.com/Signs.htm


    Siat,

    Sorry to hear all of that. You're right that these things can happen to anyone, BUT my parents used Indian culture to justify their actions. Whenever I would talk to other Indians about my problems, they also would tell me "They're just being typical Indian parents. Get over it." The first person to understand just how unhealthy my home was was a person outside of Indian culture.


    Anyways, perhaps it was a bad idea to bump up this topic.
     
  5. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't know what you understood by my comment. I would like to make it clear that "dating blacks is inappropriate" is not my opinion but interracial dating makes people uncomfortable anywhere and Indians generally are more uncomfortable when an Indian is dating a black person. It is a debatable issue. I agree Blacks are humans just like Indians.
    ...BUT my parents used Indian culture to justify their actions. Whenever I would talk to other Indians about my problems, they also would tell me "They're just being typical Indian parents. .[/QUOTE]
    There you go. That's what I have been telling you all along.
     
  6. Loving2011

    Loving2011 Silver IL'ite

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    Monita

    Some of the posters in this thread feel that my parents' actions aren't typical, and that it's not fair to attribute Indian culture to their actions. Even if something is a cultural norm, I wouldn't say that it's
     
  7. Anikha

    Anikha Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Loving2011,

    Sorry if you think , I'm trying to educate you , I have some collection of quotes on FAMILY by * Non-Indians * .


    I hope you will go over some of these quotes , and try to understand other cultures , before you degrade / generalize Indian culture / parenting .

    Watch these movies to understand ..... non - Indian cultures ........

    ------------------------- My Big Fat Greek Wedding
    ------------------------- Father of the Bride

    if you have time please read these great American Author books on her own family

    Laura Elizabeth Ingalls Wilder , was an American author who wrote " The Little House " series of books based on her childhood in a pioneer family.

    Laura's daughter, Rose, inspired Laura to write her books.


    You have to read Laura's hardships she went through , to help her father financially.
    Every woman must read Laura's writings to understand a family togetherness in times of thick and thin.


    *********************************************************************




    A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
    -- Ogden Nash


    A happy family is but an earlier heaven.
    -- John Bowring


    A man can't make a place for himself in the sun if he keeps taking refuge under the family tree.
    -- Helen Keller


    A man travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it.
    -- George Moore


    At the end of the day, a loving family should find everything forgivable.
    -- Mark V. Olsen and Will Sheffer


    Bringing up a family should be an adventure, not an anxious discipline in which everybody is constantly graded for performance.
    -- Milton R. Saperstein


    Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family: Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.
    -- Jane Howard


    Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
    -- Author Unknown


    Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter.
    -- Brad Henry


    Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.
    -- Evan Esar


    Family faces are magic mirrors looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future.
    -- Gail Lumet Buckley


    Family is just accident.... They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are.
    -- Marsha Norman


    Family life is full of major and minor crises -- the ups and downs of health, success and failure in career, marriage, and divorce -- and all kinds of characters. It is tied to places and events and histories. With all of these felt details, life etches itself into memory and personality. It's difficult to imagine anything more nourishing to the soul.
    -- Thomas Moore


    Family quarrels have a total bitterness unmatched by others. Yet it sometimes happens that they also have a kind of tang, a pleasantness beneath the unpleasantness, based on the tacit understanding that this is not for keeps; that any limb you climb out on will still be there later for you to climb back.
    -- Mignon McLaughlin


    Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible -- the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.
    -- Virginia Satir:


    Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
    -- George Burns


    Home is the place where boys and girls first learn how to limit their wishes, abide by rules, and consider the rights and needs of others.
    -- Sidonie Gruenberg


    I know why families were created with all their imperfections. They humanize you. They are made to make you forget yourself occasionally, so that the beautiful balance of life is not destroyed.
    -- Anais Nin


    I think people that have a brother or sister don't realize how lucky they are. Sure, they fight a lot, but to know that there's always somebody there, somebody that's family.
    -- Trey Parker


    Important families are like potatoes. The best parts are underground.
    -- Francis Bacon


    In each family a story is playing itself out, and each family's story embodies its hope and despair.
    -- Auguste Napier


    In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.
    -- Alex Haley


    In every dispute between parent and child, both cannot be right, but they may be, and usually are, both wrong. It is this situation which gives family life its peculiar hysterical charm.
    -- Isaac Rosenfeld


    In family life, love is the oil that eases friction, the cement that binds closer together, and the music that brings harmony.
    -- Eva Burrows


    Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements.
    -- Elizabeth II


    No matter what you've done for yourself or for humanity, if you can't look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?
    -- Elbert Hubbard


    Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family.
    -- Anthony Brandt


    The family is one of nature's masterpieces.
    -- George Santayana


    The family - that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to.
    -- Dodie Smith


    The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
    -- Erma Bombeck


    The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have.
    -- Ring Lardner


    The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family.
    -- Lee Iacocca


    To us, family means putting your arms around each other and being there.
    -- Barbara Bush


    The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family.
    -- Thomas Jefferson


    We cannot destroy kindred: our chains stretch a little sometimes, but they never break.
    -- Marquise de Sévigné


    What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories.
    -- George Eliot


    When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses.
    -- Joyce Brothers


    You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.
    -- Desmond Tutu


    Your family and your love must be cultivated like a garden. Time, effort, and imagination must be summoned constantly to keep any relationship flourishing and growing.
    -- Jim Rohn
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2012
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  8. Loving2011

    Loving2011 Silver IL'ite

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    Anikha-I found your comment very hurtful to accuse me of trying to degrade Indian parenting. I feel like we young Indian women have nobody to turn to without being shamed for generalizing or disrespecting Indian culture. I made this topic to find support from other Indians in the same situation. We all have the right to express if we find the way how we are treated upsetting. The ones who have changed the world are people who step up and challenge traditions. I don't appreciate your words in this thread nor did I like you accusing me of blaming Indian men in my sexual abuse thread awhile ago. Mods, please close this thread. Apparently, you can't point anything problematic without being labeled an Indian hater. I can't believe you think that I can't recognize the positive in Indian parenting.
     
  9. Loving2011

    Loving2011 Silver IL'ite

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    Anika -if you remember correctly, you also told me that I should have left home at age 18 in another thread. Now, you are talking about family togetherness and unity. Do you know why I stayed with a perverted dad and a narcissistic mom for so long? Because I was told to treat my parents like a god and to never disobey their command. I was going by all of these quotes that you gave me. I get criticized by you for not leaving the home at age 18 but now I'm being criticized for speaking up about something? You also gave me stats on rapes in America and were trying to show the low rape rates of Asians. In sorry to let you know that rapes in Indian family are underreported. I just can't believe you would accuse me of trying to degrade or generalize. Then again, it's my fault for even making these topics. Anika-I hope you don't shame another Indian for choosing to think outside of the box.
     
  10. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, I know you asked to close this thread and I decided to reply...forgive me for the intrusion..

    Yes, Indian parents have a different perspective on child rearing...there is a greater role for interdependency in our families...some manage it well and others don't. Whiel we all chaffe at some of the restrictions at different ages, most of us grow up and look at it as, @Ok this is what they grew up with...this is what we make of it...they did it with the best of intetnions but I don't have to follow it..." That would be very difficult for an outsider to understand...

    A few months ago I was undergoing some tests...I happened to be visiting my parents and fell sick. There were other complications and \i didn't want my parents to know because nothing was definite and I didn't want them to worry. But my mom sensed something was wrong and she kept walking into my room to ask unnecessary questions while I was trying to talk to my husband...she normally doesn't do this but she figured I was trying to keep things from her...so I changed the conversation. I was edescribing this to my best friend who happens to be male and American and he was stunned...he said "Wow, that is so alien to me...that your mom should come in and you had to stop talking about it to your husband."
    To me and my siblings it was the most natural thing for my mother to be worried and pester me if need be...we know her nature and we understand why she did it. My husband was ok with it too...but my friend kept talking about the difference. So somethings we see it based on our cultural perspective-wheer someone else sees it as controlling others don't...by the same token where someone sees a particular behavior as not 'caring' others don't.

    Right after I moved here I happened to meet an elederly woman whose grandkids live in the US-she said "Why do Americans not teach their children to behave?" And that is the geenral perception here...I am always amazed at the general emphasis here on follwoing rules-and the kids do a great job...but to me it comes with a price..sometimes it is good to misbehave.

    As for your mom, I hope you forgive me (again) when I say I can't really stomach her actions...there si absolutely no justification for it...she is your mother..her first instinct should have been to protect you...And you do not owe it to anyone else's sense of group identity. I am not trying to analyse your mom's behavior but it seems to me that she craved to fit in with some imaginary ideal...and tried to make everything ft into it-including her children.

    It is good that you ask these questions because this is part of the process...and you will find people who agree with you, disagree strongly or mutely...

    One of my longtime friends is an Italian Catholic physically (not sexually) abused for several years by her mother...and her father kept quiet...it was only as an adult her sibling pointed out that he feels guilty for what happened but would never divorce the mombecause of religious constraints...many many years later, she managed to come to terms with everyone's shortcomings-including her mother's...she helps with the care but I don't know if she feels any affection for her...but she has been able to work it in such a way that it doesn't affect her interpersonal relationships with her partner or with her friends and coworkers. I think that is what a lot of people do...they get to that point of indifference because the person they trust to protect them doesn't...I don't know if you will get a definite yes we are controlling/no we don't control...it depends on our perspectives and our experiences.

    as for how people talk about the victims of sexual abuse...the only way to change it is to keep talking and demanding respect...and making sure you are there for other children...you are doing that...good for you. As I said earlier, I know people who would give anything for their children to have the ability you have...so hold those tears. Unfortunately a lot of people do not understand why abuse is so invasive or why it is not something you 'get over' just like that...so education is the only way...
     
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