Is controlling parenting uncommon or common in Indian culture?

Hi loving2011,

I can understand that you feel embarrassed having to explain things to your american friends. I would just like to introduce a thought here....

We Indians have a unique quality - we judge ourselves and our culture from western view points and start thinking of our culture and habits as things we have to justify to them. We forget that their norms do not promote closeness within family. And that is a much sadder thing than living with parents. Their custom says that growing up means growing away from parents and siblings whereas ours still appreciates closeness to parents and siblings.

You talk to them of love and it is assumed to be a man-woman thing whereas we associate this as easily with parents and siblings.

I am almost 50 and my parents have no hesitation in telling me to do this or that or avoid this or the other. When I was in my 20s I used to take offense. Now I don't. Once I accepted that they do it out of love and that I can do what they say or choose not to, I no longer take offense. Rather, whenever they do, I thank the lord that I have my parents and that they care enough to think about me - there are millions out their who have lost their parents or whose parents don't bother about them!

As for explaining to your american friends - why do you bother? It is none of their business! Why do you allow them to decide/comment about your maturity? Growing up and being independent does not require you to leave your parents - being grown up is actually a state of mind. You can live separately and still not be mentally 'grown up' - correct?

As for being controlling - do they create a hungama if you don't do as they say?

 

There's generation gap, and then there's culture gap. In your case, you have to contend with both against your parents

I guess there's nobody to blame, just take it in your stride. We are made up by our experiences, and your parents' experiences would vastly differ from yours.

That being said, I am a strong proponent of being independent. Having lived in new york city for a few years made me more independent than before, and I did struggle trying to make my parents understand that as well. I dont give much room for my parents to micromanage, simply by not telling them every single little detail of whats happening in my life. I love them unconditionally though, but feel there should be some things that are better kept to yourself.

 

Loving2011, As teacher pointed out, control is more a personality trait than cultural. Some people would call giving advice, especially unsolicited as being interfering. As you say, when people expect the others to start following it, and making sure that they follow it is something else..What I was trying to say was that, no, it is not only Indian parents who are like that..When I said that they were trying to stick hard to their 'culture', it was making sure that they dont lose out from what they knew.. As some other poster has pointed out, if you happen to move to another place, you will find somethings strange, and you will want to stick to your American ways, at least to a certain extent... just like you cant expect Indian immigrants to adhere to American ways, I cant expect an American immigrant to Britain to follow the British ways.

Controlling parents span the globe...and there are varying degrees of them.. Generation gap can play a major role here too. As I said before, you have moved out. The concept of moving out seems alien to the Indian culture, where a 'joint' family is considered sacred.. When my in-laws were here, they could never accept that after having spent a lifetime for the children, howe they ask them to move out!! Likewise our non-Indian friends will find it funny that we tend to stick to our parents, and ask them for everything.. Taht is cultural, but when it comes to imposing all that, and expecting to be kept informed about everything, that is personality..

I have said this before, and I am saying it again, enjoy your life.. I will not say cut your parents out completely, but tell them what they need to know. You need give them a report of your day to day activities..which will give rise to more questions..as I said before, stick to what they need to know.

Mythili

 

Loving,
I can understand a parent's cotrol in a more positive manner now and here it is....

In context of India... the quality of life of a dependent person as against that of independent has a wide gap.
There's no reasonable govt funded support for old, unemployed, exploited.
No proper channel to deal with depressions, losses, pain and addictions.
A middleclass can barely afford to send their kids to good education and then later to deaddiction/rehabilitations is a nightmare...
If you loose out on a pattern of education.. after a timeout of 2-3 yrs or a chance of field you cant get back.
There are several personal questions to be answered when you need to get into a job.
Competition levels are so high that if you dont keep up, you're nowhere.. the resource constraint is too high.

The list is endless.
Parents just try to play safe than sorry ... or crying over spilled beans... cos outside India there can be a way to make a beautiful necklace of those spilled beans but in India.. the efforts have just started... the GAP is too high.

I guess a person who has either seen all this themselves or their parents will have to bear the consiquences of over protectiveness for being their next generation.

 

I have nothing against you because that is what the kids in America think like. I just shudder at the thought that someday my child will behave like this with me. What you consider interfering and controlling, is love,closeness to us Indians. We Indians find it hard to disassociate from their children whom they have bore for 9 months,and dream everything for their children that they could not get. This includes happiness,success and all good things in life. We are overprotective because seeing our own flesh and blood in pain is more painful than selfpain. Yes,Americans give birth to their children and do everything else too..but i just cannot explain this bond.

You say your mother is powerless in her own marriage. It means (I may be wrong) she is not very happy and her source of happiness is you,tied to you. For me,closeness is my child respecting me (not scared of me),but holds me as the person who thinks of nothing but his/her happiness. I would be happy to be a part of her life. I hope not to be portrayed as a nagging,controlling mother. Just hope that my child sees that I just cannot cut myself offvsuddenly one day and be branded as a stranger . I dont want all the intricate details..everyone has their personal lives,at the same time, I want to be part of both her happiness and sadness.Depends on how much she considers me as that person,to pour out her heart.

But this is the thinking of an average Indian. I just wrote it so you can see your mother's POV. I dont expect you to change,thats just the way you are. And this is the way we are.