Inner Voice

It was 5 am in the morning, when the alarm buzzed. Winter was fast approaching and the temperature had already dropped to single digits in Paris, France. Divya pulled the quilt to get some more sleep, when she realized, she had to get ready, cook, make a short call with her mom and catch the train at 8.03. She turned on the spiritual music collection and started her daily routine.


Dark circles, frizzy hair, dull complexion and a thin physique showed up in the mirror. She was growing old faster. At 29, she was awaiting her divorce, working in a not-so-stable job, desperately looking for a medicine for her eye problem (retinis pigmentosa) and above all struggling hard with her French lessons. After battling an abusive marriage for over an year, she decided to call it quits and chose to look for a job. Four years had passed and she was onsite in Paris, since two years.


The songs didn’t disturb her flooding thoughts of despair, hopelessness, anger and frustration. She drank her coffee and pulled on her jacket to walk to the railway station, while dialing her mom. She spoke about the divorce proceedings in brief. It seemed as though even her parents were tired of everything, and they constantly kept talking about counting their last days, although they were still in their 60’s. It was only depressing her even more, so she reduced the frequency of her calls to them.


Her only sister was five years younger and was already married. She and her husband despised Divya, She is a divorcee and she will be jealous of me living happily with my husband, her sister Priya had argued to her parents, and asked them to keep Divya away from her wedding ceremony. That was the last time Divya had seen her sister.


Work was boring and mundane. Money was accumulating in her account, yet she didn’t know what it actually meant to her. She felt confident that she is independent whenever she saw her bank balance, although it was not changing her life altogether. She didn’t have many friends in Paris, neither in India. Although nobody told her, she felt she was a loser and there was nothing much to talk to her friends. FB and Instagram were killing her everyday as one or the other contacts updated family pics daily increasing her grave self-pity immediately. WhatsApp group chats were of second child, buying properties, family vacations and everything else that she couldn’t connect with. I am a loser, she told herself every day.


Divya was a daydreamer and constantly fascinated meeting her soulmate one day and how life would change from then on. She believed that only this special person could make her happy. She took the train back home and started arranging the cupboards. She had stopped wearing any jewellery and had black and white in her closet for four years now. My clothes reflect my life, she believed. Both have no color, she convinced herself. After dinner, she recorded her day’s happenings in her diary as a practice. I am loser, she wrote on the top of the page. The heading had struck since her separation from her husband.


She shut her eyes and her inner voice spoke out loud. Hey, you ain’t a loser Divya. You are educated, you have a job, you have travelled abroad alone and you have been living alone. Think of the days before marriage. You were naïve, timid and an easy girl. Today you are tough and strong. You don’t break down often. You don’t burst out often. You are matured and handle emotions well. You are able to understand people lot better, and you have learnt to say Yes and No appropriately. You have learnt new skills- which are going to help you in the rest of your life. You make choices, follow priorities and work genuinely to progress in your career.



Life is an experience. Appreciate whatever you have right now and what you have gained from your mistakes. You have learnt a lot of lessons. Use them in the coming years. Life is not a train journey with predefined schedule and stations. It is an unplanned road trip. Embark both the bumps and smooth rides happily with a grace. It is a miracle, because everyone has their unique and special experience. You cannot live the life of anyone. It is not a problem that you are facing. It is just a challenge posed to you. Stop sulking and face it bravely. When you walk into the arena with your chest high, your challenges will take a step back. And most importantly, only you can make you happy. Nobody or nothing else can.


She smiled and slept peacefully.

 

Thank you.

 

Thank you BB

 

Thank you