inlaws breaking my marriage

CryingHeart · Feb 2, 2012

hi,

i dont know where to start... i am married for 3 years.. have a 2 year old son... i had a arranged marriage and my hubby and i are very compatible to each other.. we live with my inlaws... initially, when i used to work, my inlaws had a problem that i never spend time at home.. i mean doing household chores.. we couple hardly used to get time for each other.. early morning i wud leave the house.. my hubby comes home late... we meet at dinner and talk with mil till 10:30 pm and then retire to our room.. weekends my sil comes home... i mean every weekend... when are we supposed to bond? we could not go out anywhere without her.. now i have delivered my son and my inlaws not helpful regarding taking care of him.. i had to quit my job and take care of him.. now my mil expects me to do his chores + all household chores.. i quit my job .. my highly paying job to take care of my son and i had to do everything here... i used to feel so frustrated... on top of it, my inlaws crib abt small mistakes that i make... i mean silly things like over boiling milk, or not picking up toys which my son throws around... things got really bad... we started having fights at home... initially they would pick on me and expect me not to tell their son... i got frustrated to core and had big fight with my hubby.. after that, almost every week my fil starts on with fights at home.. silly silly complaints on me... i am stressed and pissed off... my hubby and i dont get connected as before.. during one of the fights, i yelled at my fil that u bother abt silly things that i dont do, dont u bother that these fights could affect our(husband-wife) relation, he is like thats ur problem not mine!! i lost it when my fil said "this is my house, you have no rights in this house.. this is not ur house" to me in front of my hubby and he dint tell anything...

that day i decided anything happens i am moving out with my son.. if my hubby wants our relation, he will come with me,, else my son is my responsibility... i will pick up some job and take take of him...

finally my hubby decided to move out... now i have to go to work as my husband has brought a flat, he had to pay 2 EMIs.. one for his fathers house and 1 for our new house... and for the record, his fathers' house is in his(FIL) name my hubby just pays the EMI.. my hubby's salary just goes into payiong 2 house EMI and when i would start working, my salary for our house... we have no savings left, our relation is now left to only "sticking together for the son's sake"... now my inlaws are spreading wrong things abt me to all their relatives and friends that i am very bad... i back answer my inlaws,... and i seperated their son from them.. their beloved son... i broke their perfect family and all crap... they are very good at acting... displaying the 'victim' look...

i know divorce would have been a easier option, i really want to live with my hubby... now that i am moving out, i want to rebuild my relation with my hubby.. i want to live with him for our sake and not for my son's sake... please advice...

sng · Feb 2, 2012

Dear cryingHeart,

Dont u think this is a good thing that ur hubby is moving out with u...so be happy in ur new house now...dont think about divorce now...he is leaving his parents and coming with u in new flat...He really loves u...he is just sad and tired becz of fights..these r temporary things...once u'll be busy in ur home...he'll be fine....so settle first ..look for a day care for ur son and start working with him..so that u can help him in money matters.....once ur ILs will not be there..that house will be urs ...so see it like an investment....but yes start to share money responsibility asap......Everything will be fine with the time...only love is the solution of this prob....u just take care of him and ur son....Dont expect anything from him more than this move..What happened if ur DH has denied for moving out with u...so be happy

Tugga · Feb 2, 2012

This is a great thing to start with... I still remember when I moved out and went to my mom's home as a pregnant woman, my husband didnt bother to come out. He continued with his parents till he loses his job and social respect. Now he is back with me as a looser. Its a great thing that your husband has moved out with you despite of all the in laws issues.

Dont bother about your in laws acts or victimized looks... They will be the same despite of your responses. So, let them do what they want with their ppl. You concentrate on your career and family.

silvertulip · Feb 2, 2012

Hi dear, don't think of divorce now as ur hubby movedf out with you. It shows he wants to be with u and ur son. He has some responsibilities to his parents which he cant ignore, so don't expect more from him. Try making ur relations better with ur DH and start afresh. Financially things will be tough but u will be with him and ur son eventually so u have to think of the long term and ignore what ur ILs are saying to others. You have ur family with u and that's what it all matters. Best of luck for a new start with ur hubby!:thumbsup

shams86 · Feb 3, 2012

As of now I really suggest you not to walk out of the marriage...Rather God has given a golden opportunity to live the life and to design the life with your own hands. As all our IL friends told that its your fortunate that your husband though not fully but still he made his mind to move out, it shows that in some corner of the heart he too accepts that his parents are creating a huge drama but but he won't say it ever, remember this. If You don't mind , I will say onething ..as you want financially peace too, you can rent a house instead of buying a new home. First your relation should be settled then you can think of moving to a new home, I guess. But anyways if you have made mind to move to your own house only then still no problem. At this point don't think of the money going on EMI's instead think of how to win the trust of your husband and how to make him feel that the decision which he has taken to walk out from his parents is RIGHT. You may loose the patience at times because husband at some point or the other he will pointout that these all happened because of YOU only, prepare your mind that he may tell even after 50yrs, IGNORE it. It hurts but still ignore and move on the life. Don't think life is just to give a good future to your son, in addition to this you have to re-win the love and affection of your husband forever too. All the best for your life, make a smart move, live happily, money comes and goes, Be with your family always.

malarun · Feb 3, 2012

Hi CryingHeart,

Hugs to you… Nothing is permanent dear. This situation will also pass.

Now the first things first…Chillout! Get a positive mind and be confident your in-laws cannot do anything to you or your marriage.

Your husband loves you a lot, he has showed this from the very act that he came out with you and is ready to take a burden of two EMIs. He could have very well told you to stay in his Parents’ house stating this reason. So please calm down and first get the mindset that no one can separate you from your DH.

Please throw away the thought that divorce is easy :notthatway:. This very thought you have will make life miserable and you might bring the distance between you and you DH :spin. Give sometime for your DH to forget what happened, guys do take some time to recover from a bitter experience. You be happy and always have a smile , it will surely infect your husband and one day your relation will surely blossom again.

Guys have this very bad habit of acting weird:rant when they have a financial burden or crisis. So try getting a job ASAP and share his burden this will surely bring peace in your house to some extent.

Next, do not bother about what your in-laws say about you to others, if you don’t bring them in your mind half of the fights at home will reduce and your DH will surely get to know about them sooner or later have some patience please. Also do not point out any past issues which you had with your in-laws or the things ur DH did or did not do, to your DH, remember past is past, it will not bring anything good to the future in fact it increases the bitterness in a relation and spoil the future.
One simple thing which my friend told me, she used to have a torturing in-law but whenever she used to tell wat the lady did she used to smile she said after a long she found this thing to work, she imagined them to be jokers so what ever they did brings a smile on her face as if they are performing in a circus.(try this and let me know if this works for you).It did work for me with my SIL.

Try to show in your actions to your DH that you truly love him and are not sticking with him for your son’s sake. Like cook what he likes, gift even small things to your DH once in a while (they act as if they don’t care for gifts, but inside they like when they get it) but don’t expect anything in return(golden rule a man has laid on women… he he he…) this is because if he does not give anything you might feel bad. Try to bring the romance in life back by your actions…

Last but not the least pray to God he will surely help you…

All the best dear…

Thanks
Malar