Inlaw Drama-please Help

ski99 · Jul 27, 2016

I have been married 16 years to my husband. we have 2 lovely adorable kids. We live in the US and my inlaws live in India. Ours was a love marriage and i married against the wishes of my parents. Now they are fine with me and my husband but they don't like my in laws. They think they are pretentious people, money minded etc which is true. I and my husband have very good understanding in all aspects of our married life but we lack that understanding when it comes to in laws. He thinks his parents are great. They were so many instances when my in laws did something wrong and my husband refused to stand up for me. as soon as I got married my husband had to leave to US on a work assignment and I stayed back with my in laws. One fine day My mother in law asked me to get out of the house because I was going to an internet center and chatting with my husband. My husband to this day did not do anything about it. I let it go because he's great in taking care of me and other things. I was pregnant and i had the delivery for my son in India. I was at my parents house.My mother in law used to fill my husband's ears everytime he called and create some new drama everyday and my husband used to call me when I was pregnant and scold me.He is a puppet infront of my inlaws. Now they are here and they see the relationship I have with my husband and I think they don't like it. They are filling my husband's ears again saying I don't talk to them and I'm in my room most of the time which is not true.I am taking care of 2 kids and kids have activities.and when I'm home I sit with my inlaws and watch TV with them and talk to them. I cannot crack jokes or have a non stop conversation but I talk to them. I tried telling my husband this but he chose to believe his parents(as usual). He says he's being crushed in between.I also feel like with the past instances the bond between me and my in laws is not there and hence that reflects in my talking.I am formal to them,never back talked to them. I don't know what to do or how do I knock some sense into him about them. Also they behave very differently when my husband is mom( kissing their grandchildren, trying to interact with grandchildren) but when my husband is not at home they don't even go near their grandkids.

PhoenixAwoken · Jul 28, 2016

Since you are doing everything you are supposed to do, it's your h who needs to change his perspective. He should realise that they are unnecessarily creating a rift between the two of you..
You need to talk to him and point out that you love him and have the highest regard for his parents, you'll do all your duties towards them happily, consternation with him is hurting you...
You may need to act a little, here. Be tactful.
Set couple time at least once a month. Go out without kids..
Let your h encourage his parents to tell kids stories etc..see what the kids do/learn at school etc

guesshoo · Jul 29, 2016

Don't change a thing you are doing. You've been married for log enough. Don't encourage your husband to come up and discuss these drams with you b directly shooting it down.

One way of doing that is, look him straight in the eye and sincerely say something on these lines - "you have known me for so long and I expect you to know what a fair person I am. The kids' routine keeps me busy but the rest of the time -hand on heart - I am being a good host. After so many years of marriage I expect you to know that. I suppose your parents miss you and want to spend time with you. Please ensure you make them happy but without losing the trust you have in me." Bowl him over - again - with your magnanimity and maturity.

ranirm · Jul 29, 2016

Omg 16 long years and still he sides with parents and leaves wife ..i have no words really..not even one time he stood up for and you dint ask him? My uncle did the same to my aunty and eventually my cousins had no respect for my uncle and rhey stood by the side of thier mom..and uncle now after his parents period has no one by his side and aunt too turn cold towards him as he never supported her before her inlaws ..and my cousins prefers to be on my aunts side and easily gives up uncle..now he repents ..

SimplelLife · Jul 29, 2016

ski99 said: ↑

I have been married 16 years to my husband. we have 2 lovely adorable kids. We live in the US and my inlaws live in India. Ours was a love marriage and i married against the wishes of my parents. Now they are fine with me and my husband but they don't like my in laws. They think they are pretentious people, money minded etc which is true. I and my husband have very good understanding in all aspects of our married life but we lack that understanding when it comes to in laws. He thinks his parents are great. They were so many instances when my in laws did something wrong and my husband refused to stand up for me. as soon as I got married my husband had to leave to US on a work assignment and I stayed back with my in laws. One fine day My mother in law asked me to get out of the house because I was going to an internet center and chatting with my husband. My husband to this day did not do anything about it. I let it go because he's great in taking care of me and other things. I was pregnant and i had the delivery for my son in India. I was at my parents house.My mother in law used to fill my husband's ears everytime he called and create some new drama everyday and my husband used to call me when I was pregnant and scold me.He is a puppet infront of my inlaws. Now they are here and they see the relationship I have with my husband and I think they don't like it. They are filling my husband's ears again saying I don't talk to them and I'm in my room most of the time which is not true.I am taking care of 2 kids and kids have activities.and when I'm home I sit with my inlaws and watch TV with them and talk to them. I cannot crack jokes or have a non stop conversation but I talk to them. I tried telling my husband this but he chose to believe his parents(as usual). He says he's being crushed in between.I also feel like with the past instances the bond between me and my in laws is not there and hence that reflects in my talking.I am formal to them,never back talked to them. I don't know what to do or how do I knock some sense into him about them. Also they behave very differently when my husband is mom( kissing their grandchildren, trying to interact with grandchildren) but when my husband is not at home they don't even go near their grandkids.
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There might be hardly any woman whose DH stand by her and since its long 16 years comfort feeling of confronting parents don't expect him to be fair and open eyes... It's not like he does not know his parents it's because it's the easiest way for him to accuse you than pointing finger at his parents and go through all emotional drama... We wife's make them priority but for their parents their ego is above all the things including their son. Don't do any extra stuff you are already doing, if he complains next time about not talking to parents tell him that you are fearfull of them thinking about if they didn't like they will complain him and make him sandwiched so you couldn't utter more in front if them thinking about him.. Add some concern for him... Try to educate your kids in front of DH that they should be fair and apply their own senses in situation. Plan some activities in front of DH including in laws with kids Saying kids will love to play with their grand parents and even you will have something to talk about and offer some exhausting game for which they refuse... Do it repeatedly for different similar game at different time in front of DH. May be he get a clue. Don't expect his support directly he will not going to do that but it will be ok if he stops believing them. Show concern about them to DH and dint complain about them if any husbands never going to listen our stuff about their parents. guesshoo's suggestions are really nice.