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Indian Marriages

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sunshine04, Jun 17, 2019.

  1. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Gold IL'ite

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    True, in families where the elder brother is married and has a cheeky wife who plays the role model the rest of the DIL's falling in line will have to follow her and live up to those expectations. Often if u have noticed families pit their DIL's like pawn. Everytin from looks to job to cooking to respect, family status, what they bring in as dowry, how extravagant the marriage was conducted all that counts. Each DIL is then given a weightage and based on that is how the treatment to her is meted out. Lucky are the few who have spouses to support and stand up for them or those who dont have in-laws staying with them or even nearby, or r blessed wid understanding in-laws.
     
  2. sbonigala

    sbonigala Finest Post Winner

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    I guess that sums up where the mess in Indian marriages is!
    Once again @yellowmango your posts are a pleasure to read!
     
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  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    I think the most important point is 'be yourself'. Don't change who you are, your principles, your likes, dislikes etc for others. If we compromise and adjust too much for others against our will, we will never be happy.

    Because of our traditional upbringing , during the first few years of marriage , we dont know what to do with all these strangers around. So we follow the wishes of others and take extra effort to be in their good books- good wife, good dil, good sil etc.. So every one start to take one for granted, expect more and try to make you dance with their tunes. Of course, we will realize it later (mostly after having kids and after 5-10 years) only that what we want, what our priorities are . We realize we changed our personality to match with others needs. Then if we fight back or stand for one self, others find it difficult to digest. So you can be labelled easily a bad wife or bad dil etc..
    In India, marrying young girls is preferred in many socities because one can change them easily. They don't have the courage to stand for themselves. Its changing now, still the traditional expectation has not come down that much- like unpaid servant and nanny for everyone, obey even if its against ones will, play with their tunes , even when one is financially independent . All rules are for women not for men. Everyone try to control women not men. So we should know how to survive in male-dominated society. Women adjust too much to maintain peace, but one should know where the 'lakshman rekha' is for others. I am talking about issues we face, there are many people who are happily married and many families treat women with respect.

    I think every women should think really well about what they want in their married life. Do they want a life with dh or the whole family, do they want to work, what about finance and individual freedom, what your expectations. I am not talking here about dream life but practical life. It also important to know where your comfort zone is, where your personal boundary of tolerance is. So after marriage also, don't over do, just observe and watch mode for a few months or a year, try to understand everyone as this give us what approach work, give respect and take respect. During this period its very important to set the boundary. Also should know If you don't like something, convey it very well to the person who is disrespecting you. Running away from the problem can be a solution, but not always. So we should know when to fight head on ( only for very important issues ). Give respect and take respect. Maintain formal relation with in-laws family. Do your duties and responsibility. Never allow anyone to mistreat you or control you too much. Your personal space and freedom is important. Sacrificing it for others will never make one happy. If one is less worried to be in others good books, there will be less tension.

    OP, I dont know what your issue is. But you said "I decided I will do what my husband wants. " - this is the problem in your case . You should love & respect your husband but you should know what you want. Also create an I don't care attitude if you think you are right. Do you need anybody's certificate? Let them talk anything behind your back, who cares. Once they find it wont make you unhappy, they will stop. Focus on your family and give least importance to other problem creators. Your headache will come down. Everyday, we learn new things. In my case also I took time to learn what make me comfortable in marriage. So learn from your mistakes & live for yourself. There will be turbulence, but stand up for yourself. Then everything will fall in place in a better way. Never ever give up. Be positive
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2019
  4. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Gold IL'ite

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    DDream, we are all conditioned in a certain way before marriage by our families. There is a list of do's n dont's trained by our parents n so called family members. That tradition of keeping thw grooms family on high pedestal n dancing to all their whims n fancies is followed right from the day the marriage is finalized. For ages we have been seeing our mothers n aunts n granmothers at the beck n call of their spouse's families. Be it a marriage from.ny culture, and even today u'l see the same charade. U will always see the girls side of the family showering respect and creating that aura of importance as if the girl is an obligation and the groom n family is kind enough to take over the responsibility of the girl from thereon. That tradition is followed throughout then. From first diwali after marriage, pregnancy to child birth and so on so forth that 'being obligated' continues. Although after marriage the girl sees the actual reality she still is preached to stay respectful n make the compromises. Indian society will not allow age old traditions related to marriages change that easily. And if u do protest it comes with a price !
     
  5. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Yeah. That is what I said traditional upbringing in a male-dominated society. My post is not about protesting against traditions related to marriage or not doing duties or not respecting others. But about being yourself, standing for yourself (it doesn't mean fight with everyone for everything) , believing in who you are, and not allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat while treating others with respect and maintaining dignity. I believe one can do that even when in a traditional marriage or modern marriage. Time has changed. Now women is also a provider/equal partner , that was not the case with our grandmas or old aunts who were forced to be so dependent on h or family from an young age or become like a dignified servant for the family. There is a greater chance that the same woman who was abused can became the worst MIL and the cycle continues. That's not the case now. The truth is because of this conditioning, we believe we need to change ourselves to fit the needs of others (mainly men) , so older generation of women force the next generation of women to follow the same, follow the rules, instead of teaching their son to treat their wife with respect and in a better way.
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2019
  6. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes . What I have understood is, We just have to nod yes yes for all the conditions and expectations from us. But then go ahead and do what we want to do .
     
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  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Sunny - I'm super duper busy but couldn't ignore a post from you. Here is the deal. Your life isn't like everyone else's. You are probably going through caregiver burnout. Top it off with nonexistent spousal support and you are in over your head.
    I would look outside the marriage for support if I were you. Look to your FOO - mom, dad, siblings if they can offer some measure of comfort.
    Get some respite care and get out of the house if you are not already doing it. Please find a mom's group and find women who have things to talk about other than Autism. I've found such a group and it's therapeutic to go hang out with those girls.
    Get your finances separated and sorted. Please ensure your child is going to be ok with wills and trusts etc. If you have investments in India, figure out how all that can be channeled into your special needs trust in the US in the event something happens to both of you. I have an older child/supportive sibling and together I've given them specific written directions(accompanied by my india will) on how to take care of my son's inheritance from India if something happens to us. Having finances set up and having a trust for your child's upkeep will help you in gaining some measure of peace.
    Try to go for counseling if you already haven't. Find a special needs parent counselor and get her insights on how to deal with the emotional abuse in your marriage. I do think you can get a lot of inputs from a counselor. It isn't uncommon for a parent of a special needs child to check out and create havoc in the marriage. She must have seen many such cases. Get help.
    Take things one day at a time. You don't have to find all the answers now. There are things you can and cannot control. Look at what is within your control and work on those things. Find your own support system outside of your spouse and his group of friends.
    PM if you need more help. Hugs and good luck!

    @Shanvy will have some more inputs for you.

    Take care and hope things turn out ok for you.
     
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  8. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes. I am burnt out in summer.
    I have been talking about opening the special needs trust for some years now
    My husband as usual wants to go back later to India.
    I will have to open the SN trust .now atleast ,my dad in India can sell the properties in India and move money here.
    Thanks for dropping in inspite of busy summer.
     
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  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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  10. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I don’t think Indian DIL’s have the luxury of being opinionated. It is looked down upon. The only time the DIL’s strength has to shine through is while doing household chores , getting that paycheck and other responsibilities. Very hypocritical idea, get a educated well earning DIL but expect her to be a meek cow in other aspects.


     
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