India Trip - I Don’t Want To Go

The hajaamat* of the phoren visitor is pretty standard in some families. Getting him/her to pay for every single expense and making the most of the trip happens. But, at least the visitor is treated like royalty otherwise. You having to yourself run around and get the to-go meals home is sad.

Stay in a hotel. Cut down on the gifts you are taking for them to pay for the hotel. Limit the hours per day that you spend with your brother and parents. Some days don't even visit them, spend all the day with aunty, uncle. There are many malls and entertainment places in most cities. Hang out there. Maybe your kids will like to spend 2-3 hours at a bookstore. The hotel stay is quite doable even without husband accompanying you. Rent a car each day from 8 am to 8 pm. If your cell phone does not work in India, get a temporary one. There are shops that do this also, just need to show your passport.

Once you do not have to stay in somebody's house, and are not dependent on them for meals, bed to sleep, cell phone, car to move around, you get back a lot of control over your trip.

Like an earlier post suggested, visit another city. December is a nice time to visit many places in India. There are resorts and safe homestays you can use.

Your sister has figured her way around the dysfunctional family. You can too. Your son is 12? High time you modified your India trips to become more bearable.

BTW, parents looking after your son for a few months is big, even with nanny/maid paid by you. They were still working then, which makes it an even bigger responsibility that they shouldered. Just highlighting that since when we come from families that charge daughter for her child's cereal/yogurt, we tend to forget the help that such parents happened to provide in spite of it all.

hajaamat - shaving. lightening the NRI's load of $$ or ££

 

You got me there. Whether to be grateful for the little untended mercies received in such families is a debate by itself.

I am sorry you are going through this heartache and there is nothing you can really do about it except not let it hurt you so much. Start making big changes in how you deal with them and how your India trips go. Stop with the gifts. I remember I used to make a list of all family members, and write down possible items for each, and agonize over whether it would be useful, would they like it, what would they say. Paring that down to only chocolates, same dabbas for all, made life so much simpler.

Add something to the trip that will make the money and time worth it. If not, the 1-2 days before the trip feel so horrible. You don't even feel like getting the suitcases out. Even a 2 day trip to another place will feel good. Or, just stay in the same city but avoid visiting them too much. Just because you are spending so much money on the trip, it does not mean you have to spend every waking hour with them. BTDT. I recall a Diwali when I was visiting India alone and stayed in a hotel. Diwali came on a weekend that year, the hotel had a fancy spread, all families were dining together in the restaurant section. These were local people who came in to the restaurant to celebrate. I sat alone at a table, a book in hand, and people-watched, and enjoyed the literally 7 course meal. "Home" was 4 kms away. Home that I had paid for and been cheated out of. LOL. No regrets. I got text after text on my cell phone that I should come home. I didn't budge. My DH, the good man, also was texting me to check on my resolutions that I had earlier texted him. : )

That's what worked for me -- cutting down on the gifts, hotel, and limiting the time spent with family per day. I found that by visiting the parents of my childhood and college classmates, I was more happy and the happiness of those I visited was indescribable. At 75+, the aunty insisted on making hot phulkas, papad, and multiple chai's. Uncle insisted on walking till the nearest store to buy something I wanted.

Also, try to arrange things so that in the next trip you can go just yourself, and for shorter time. All will adjust after initial protest.

ETA: Read your post about cannot stay in hotel after posting this.