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India Trip - I Don’t Want To Go

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Jas8085, Nov 29, 2019.

  1. Jas8085

    Jas8085 Gold IL'ite

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    I’m very close to my aunt and uncle. They are childless and they have “adopted” me in childhood - not legally or anything, but although I lived with my parents, I was always at my aunt’s after school etc as she was a housewife. They are like my parents to me, perhaps a lot more.

    I have issues with family dynamics at my parents place - esp around my brother and his family living off my parents. Although my brother earns a bit more now and SIL found a small part time job, they save/blow up their money and my parents pay for everything (household expenses) from their pensions. I’m extremely uncomfortable about this. Also, whenever I go, they make me pay for EVERYTHING. They all declare holidays and order food from outside non-stop (Tiffin centre for breakfast, catering service for lunch and restaurants/Swiggy for dinner). for breakfast, I take orders from everyone and bring it. On the way back, I get lunch from caterers (they have food ready by 830am). My brother and SIL don’t go. Not even once, not even on weekends and my parents don’t find that weird at all. If I kick up a fuss, my dad goes. So I just shut up and do it. For dinners, sometimes I order, sometimes my brother. I pay everytime. At times my brother orders like a mad man possessed!

    My aunt and uncle are old. Their house is old. So every year, they have a list of things to sort out when I come. I’m their only “child” and I get that, but their are aunt/uncle to my brother too! They live 5 mins walk from my parents/brother. My brother doesn’t even bother arranging contractors etc.

    I’m absolutely knackered running the house here in UK. NoT much help from my husband. I have a full time job and I’m re-training to get into roles that offer some flexibility. Also, we are planning to return to the US next year. That stress is weighing too.

    I’m just so fed up of everything, so tired. I work more when I go to India. I come back exhausted. However, aunt and uncle look forward to seeing me every year. It breaks their heart if I don’t go. They literally count days for seeing me! I’m absolutely blessed for having them in my life esp as my mother was emotionally negligent and impatient/violent in my childhood. I cannot stay with aunt-uncle as my kids will drive me mad with boredom and my aunt has become extremely particular about house tidiness etc. It becomes difficult with kids and she has no energy to run after them tidying up. Also, their routine gets disturbed. So she keeps making excuses to make me stay at my parents place “more convenient there, less mosquitoes there etc”.

    I just don’t want to go, but I’m worried I’ll lose someone and I’ll regret. It happened before, I didn’t go one year and my mamaji passed away. I have big regrets. I don’t want to go, to work at my parents place while the whole family declares a holiday and expect me to run around and pay! I already have aunt/uncle house maintenance and I have to keep money aside for medical emergencies too (They have a small pension for living expenses and routine medical needs).

    I just booked my tickets this morning (travelling mid Dec) but I really want to cancel. I hate to drag myself wit kids through long haul flights and huge airports. Don’t even get me started on the gifts etc, while I and my kids get nothing.

    Is something totally wrong with me that everyone is absolutely walking all over me?
     
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  2. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    If this is only reason to go please don’t go .
    It is better you love with good memories than create bitterness in your mind . Happy holidays . Just wondering what if you say you don’t have money to your brother .
    How do they eat when you are not there ?
    Why not hire a cook ? Sorry to say but looks like
    You are being used in your relationship
     
    sweetsmiley likes this.
  3. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Go for a vacation to a different place in India first and may be just go a for week.

    there is no point of going there for aunt and uncle if you cannot even stay at their place and they make excuses to host you in their house however good intentions they have.
     
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  4. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Nothing wrong with you. You are not all alone in this kind of situation. The true story below might help you.

    My friend was pretty much raised by her widowed aunt. Her parents never cared for her and it was her aunt who celebrated her birthdays, stood up for her every time asking her parents to buy things for her. Her aunt wished she didn’t have to ask her parents for things; but, she was a widow on a limited income. She literally fought with her dad to send her to college. She would not even hesitate to tell her parents, “What kind of parents are you?” Lucky for her, she was much older and she could get away criticizing my friend’s parents.

    Her husband knew the whole story. When my friend went to India, he told her to go directly, to aunt’s house. Her parents and aunt lived in the same town. My friend didn’t want to hurt her parent’s feelings. So she, went to her parent’s house. This was the 1st time she didn’t go to her aunt’s place (her parents didn’t live in the same town before). My friend knows her aunt was hurt; yet, she loved her as if nothing was wrong. She told her, “I want to enjoy being with you; who knows, I may not be here when you visit next time. She wanted her to have her precious jewelry a diamond ring and ear rings. Later when somebody asked her why she doesn’t wear her diamond earrings, her aunt told that she lost it. That was the last time she saw her aunt as she passed away.

    When she passed away, my friend lost the person who truly loved her the most. My friend used to send money for the past 10 years to her aunt without ever telling anyone. She was happy that she did that. Even that was suggested by her husband. He said to her, if she treated you like a mother (in fact more than your parents), you have to love her like your mother. Her aunt never asked for anything unlike her parents.

    After her aunt passed away, she felt like kicking herself for making the biggest mistake of her life (going to her parent’s house first and hurting her aunt’s feelings). All for what? She had to put up with the drama as usual and the only peaceful loving time she had was with her aunt. She asks herself, “how did I put my parent’s feelings ahead of my aunt’s feeling?” (in spite of her husband telling her that) Her parents have other kids, but she was the only child to her aunt. She never can undo and she has never forgiven herself even to this day.

    After few years later, her parents died (very wealthy) and gave houses, money and everything to her brother. My friend’s son had asked grandparents for a momento which they failed to give. There isn’t one thing in her house from her parents. In fact she lost some of her own jewelry that she left at her parent’s house. She was telling after her parent’s death “what made me think, my parents would be hurt if I didn’t go to their house first? It really would not have affected them; except they would have criticized. Going to her aunt’s house would have proved that she loved her aunt like her mother and it would have meant a world to her.

    She also wished that she had brought her aunt for a visit to USA and spent time with her. She was asking herself, “Why didn’t I think of that? She was old; but, healthy” She says, “I would not be what I am today, if my aunt didn’t fight with my dad to send me to college. How did I overlook all that my aunt did for me?” Did it matter how unkind were my parents and how loving my aunt was?
     
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  5. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    You can take your uncle aunt on vacation and spend time with them. It would be something "very special" that you do for your aunt & uncle and later, when you look back, you will be happy that you did it.
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2019
    CoolPie likes this.
  6. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    @Topaz how this story is relevant to op ?
    Op is willing to go to her aunt’s school but they don’t want to accommodate . Life is a journey and if someone wants to do focus only on last thing that happens before death it doesn’t make any sense . What about all the good memories built over the years ?
     
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  7. Jas8085

    Jas8085 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for sharing this story. If I insist, I can go and stay at my aunt/uncles house. They won’t say no, but because I know them so well, I know that my aunt will be tired obsessively tidying up.
    My parents don’t care much tbh, if not for aunt/uncle I wouldn’t even bother visiting. They treat my sister the same. She doesn’t get affected like me, she just goes, does what she wants and comes. She demands and fights, while I don’t. So I suffer.
     
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  8. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    In this situation, ideally you should be able to stay in your aunts n uncles house but since they are not open for it, you can avoid going every year.
    Instead, plan a vacation where you all meet up in one place or call them to your home instead. This will be more of a feel good spend even if you are spending rather than spending for all the Swiggy, canteen, Tiffin center, travel expenses, gifts n what nots with so much hatred n hurt.
     
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  9. Jas8085

    Jas8085 Gold IL'ite

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    Unfortunately Aunt/Uncle have all sorts of health issues. They can’t travel. If not, I’d happily have them here in London every year for a few months. They could NEVER come :(
    it’s not about spending, it’s 100% on me - that’s what hurts. Say out if 10 times, if my parents paid once, my brother once, I’d happily pay 8 times. They act like I’m loaded and they are poor. I don’t know why, my parents always sang this poverty song in front of me since childhood. I was so stupid when I was young, I bought loads for the house when I first got my job. I didn’t have 1 penny in savings when I got married. Neither did I have anything I bought for myself. Even then, my mum was pissed that I didn’t save up for my wedding. I said ok, let’s do a simple wedding. Nopes! They have to show off! My wedding saree was Rs 5k (back in 2005) , but they spent 6lakhs on the wedding. Most of the expense was buying clothes for relatives and extended family. Some of the relatives got clothes worth more than my wedding saree. I just don’t understand!! When I’m ok with half decent treatment, they treat me worse. The lower I accept, the lower they go. If I open my mouth, they get very defensive and get into victim mode and start blaming me!!!

    When my parents looked after my son for a few months in 2007 (with nanny/maid paid by me) my dad used to even collect diapers money from me! My parents were both working then - bank officers!!! (During working hours, maid used to take the baby to aunt/uncles house and stay there). I told them how I felt once, so they now stopped billing me for small things. Really small things like cereal boxes or yogurt for kids. My dad is SOO stingy with me, it amazes me! Is it because I’m a girl?
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2019
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  10. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    From your post, it shows that’s just your parents character, its almost impossible to change them now.

    Apart from the options I mentioned above...
    Maybe you can look at making your stay at your aunts house easy for her during your stay.
    Is it possible to hire help during the period of your stay to tidy behind your kids ?
    Or you can tidy up, it’s still better than your parents house situation.
    Or give particular space to your kids, so it’s easier to tidy up.
    Or teach your kids the art of tidying up after them, I started this when my kid was very young as well.
    Basically any option to not tire out your aunt, as it will cause mental stress for her as well as you.
     
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