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Increasing Distance With Family Killing Me

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Sakshisharma, Feb 24, 2017.

  1. Sakshisharma

    Sakshisharma New IL'ite

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    I used to be more happy when I always thought my family were great and loving to me. These days I dont feel the same love and it is really bothering me. My conversation with my sister had decreased after her marriage significantly. It was like I had lost a best friend. Conversation ended immediately after her marriage was fixed and she was never the same person to me. I can understand she got busy with her new life but without any reason our relation changed and its been two years already and we are getting more distant.The quality of the conversation with my parents has also changed. I do not know if me living in different country for long is causing this. My mother always looks busy doing something or sleepy when she is talking to me and I always look very desperate to talk to them. Dad kinda acts the same as I do not talk to him much. I live in abroad and my sister lives in the same town closer to my parents home. From some months I am feeling very depressed. My sis knew about it but we really had not talked much. I had told her since I could not share my situation to anyone else and she just used to tell me to take care. Before her marriage I always used to get emotional support from her if anything was going wrong with my life. She was a very good counselor and gave me good suggestions which really helped me. After marriage I have become really depressed with some issues. My husband is good but there are some other issues involved and I am the worrier kind. This time the depression was having huge impact on me which made it harder even to get out of the bed and do daily chores. I would just lie in the bed all day and force myself out only when I got hungry. In this many years of living abroad by myself all these years (i recently got married) I never shared any of my problems with my parents. I always made them feel like everything was really good with me since I did not want them to worry. This time I told my mom that I was having depression problem and also went to doctors for help. After that my mom and dad called me regularly for some days and my mom sounded very loving and caring to me. My mom i guess also told my sister about it and my sister was texting me regularly advising me to take medicines and care for myself. This time only after couple of years I felt love and care from her. I was happy that my mom and sister were being nice to me since I do not have a single fren in this town. The warmness was decreasing within some days and my mom and sister had started behaving like other times. My sister works closer to my parents home so once a week at least she visits my parents. Few days ago my mom and sister were there in the room and called me in the video. My sister had made the call and she gave the phone directly to my mom without talking much. My mom talked with me sometime but on the side she was talking to my sister. I was getting the vibe that she does not want to talk to me. At some point my mom gave the phone to my sister without telling me then my sister started talking to me. I could see her in the video so I cud read facial expressions. She was not interested in talking to me she just said some words to me and from the side my mom started telling her something and she put the phone on the side and started talking to her as if I was not on the call. I waited for some time for their conversation to end. They were talking about bindis and mangalsutra. After some time I felt I was bothering their conversation so I hung up without telling them and cried after.My sister sent me message why I hung up and I told her I got a call. It wasnt the first time she had made that kinda face while talking to me. After her marriage i think almost every time when I saw her on video her face was like that. I know her well so I can understand when she makes those kind of face. It is not like she is not happy with her marriage. I talk to her husband and see her posts where she looks very happy. My mom doesnt have problems either. Actually they rarely call me when my sis is visiting them. I also used to let it go thinking they want to spend time with her. After I had told my family I had depression they were calling me regularly for 4 days and now since this incident I have not heard back from my parents neither my sister. Its been three days. The reason is I felt like I was desperate to talk to them when they have their own happy life out there.Before when my sister was visiting and I was on the call with my parents and my mom have offered my sister to talk to me I know she has passed on the call. When I was talking to my dad and when he has offered call to my mom too few times she has declined. I do not use to call them regularly just 2-3 times a week thinking not to disturb them often. I talked to my sister on phone may be once a month for some minutes still its very hard for her to talk to me nicely for some time. My husband also has felt my mom seems less interested to talk to me since I talk to her in loud speaker. It does sound like I am forcing her to talk. I asked him about it and he told me not to set my expectation high. He told me they are your parents love and respect them but do not expect them to love you equally. I am feeling so bad that only to get their more attention I had to share them about my depression.One of the reason I am feeling down these days is that I keep on worrying why I dont feel loved by my family. Theres one thing abt my sister which has left me amused. One time when a relative was visiting the city I live she asked me to send her some stuff. I used to buy her lots of clothes and makeups before. This time I was completing my college and not working so I did not have money. My husband was funding my education and we were still paying the debt of our wedding too. So I had to tell her I do not have money and I will send her those stuffs little later cuz the things she wanted were branded and expensive. Later her husband sent me some money to buy those stuffs for her. Around this time her attitude was very different. She was acting really warm to me. She was sending me lists of things she wants and checking upon me time to time. I bought all the stuffs and when I was done with money already she asked me to buy something expensive for her husband. I had already bought a gift from my side for her husband but since her husband send me the link of the item he wanted I ordered that item as well. Later she told me she will ask her husband to give me that money and I told her its okay. Her niceness towards me only lasted until I bought her things she wanted. And then she went back to same. I had bought some earrings from my side to give it to my favorite nieces . I bought the same thing for my sister as well and asked her to give others to my two cousin's daughters. But my sister gave those to her MIL and kept extras to herself without giving to my nieces. There was other gifts for her MIL already. I also had bought some items for my dad and cousin brother with my money which she gave to her BIL instead. I feel like she is very materialistic sometime. Before when we were both unmarried she used to ask me to buy lots of things and send it to her. She is elder to me and works. I have send her clothes, phones, laptops many many things. During her marriage too my jiju asked me to buy an expensive gift for her from his side and again I did not take money from them. She used to send me stuffs before marriage too but I had to send her money for that. It wasn't like I had lots of money. Student loans, living expenses and low paying job were there. She used to tell me to send brands which I never heard of. I used to struggle to meet my daily needs. But I wanted to make her happy so sent her gifts. But after marriage she suddenly changed and I also stopped sending her gifts. Once in a while when she needs something then she changes into different person and talks to me. This behavior of her has really hurt me. I am feeling I was acting very desperate just to talk to my family. I did act emotionally needy infront of them.So, I am thinking just to call them and talk casually and minimize the conversation and try to focus on being happy with myself only and give more priority to my DH. From the last convo I felt like at the end, it is just you for yourself and I need to be more strong. It felt a lot better expressing here and sorry for this long long post :)
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2017
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  2. Cantdecide

    Cantdecide Silver IL'ite

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    Love can take many different shapes and sizes as time goes on and dynamics change. It is natural as you are geographically distant from you family that some changes will take place. When someone gets married, especially in the beginning it is also normal for their priorities to shift as they try to build a life with their spouse. Try to find some more emotional support with building new friendships or sustaining existing friendships and as you are married, spend more time with your husband. If you feel like your relationship with your family is becoming one-sided then you can cool off a little, and then let things readjust. Sorry you are going through it!
     
    Sunshine04 and Shreema86 like this.

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