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In need of some advice on my married life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SMILEYFACE, Dec 18, 2011.

  1. SMILEYFACE

    SMILEYFACE New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I am new to this site and went thru some of the threads on married life and felt that I can also post my story here. I came to USA from India with my kid after resigning my well paid job to join my husband. It has been almost 5 yrs since we married and it was not that a happy one. We usually fight a lot. I had a hard time with my in-laws as MIL is a problem creating one and all the time he had supported his relatives. So whenever we fight past is brought up both will be started cursing the opposite side relatives. Now my prob is he hit me when i questioned him abt a money (a few lakhs)transfer he did to his brother without telling me a word(he never tells me any financial details..) which i however found out. He is telling I cannot qustion him abt money matters..All this yrs even though we fight a lot, eventually i loved him so much, and used to take initiative to make peace. But hitting me made me think otherwise. Should I go back to India and start working or should I stay back here? When he hit me I told him that I would call the cops if he do it again. But I cannot do that..I dont want to put him in trouble. All these yrs I kept to myself without spending much money thinking that he will b saving that for the kid. Now i feel that i should only work to save for my kid. What will I do if he resort to physical abuse again if some fight happens between us? I dont want to lose my kid his father that is why I am trying to suffer His indifference to me. He is very reserved type. Not interested in physical relationship also these days..I wanted to have a second kid but he is not showing much interest. I dont know how I am going to save my marriage..
     
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  2. lakshmi13

    lakshmi13 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi

    firstly, do not allow him to hit you. Resorting to physical abuse and finding the wife succumbing to it encourages the man further. I have a friend who was regularly beaten by her husband. Finally, when she could take it no more, she hit him back, slapped him, scratched him, bit him. He was so stunned and shocked that thereafter he didnt dare to hit my friend again.

    Secondly, it appears you are financially dependent on him. Start working again. Pick up a job, I am sure you are well qualified.

    Thirdly, do not fight in front of your kid. Also, a second kid will not improve matters. Take your time to adjust to your work. Once you become financially independent, I am sure your husband will change his behaviour.

    good luck
     
  3. kritka

    kritka Junior IL'ite

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    Dear ,

    please start working again ...if possible it will solve a lot of problems .when wives dont work mostly husbands take advantage of the situation .Rarely some gods exist ....
     
  4. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    so you want to go back to india because your husband doesnt share financial info, doesnt involve you in key decisions and hides stuff from you. BUT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE A SECOND KID WITH HIM>>>

    no wonder men treat women like ****!!! this guy is doing everything possible to show how his wifes feelings doesnt matter....he even hit her...and our dear OP wants to have second kid with him and saying he is not showing interest. REALLY?? am i missing something???


    My suggestion...please STOP baby planning. worry about the one you have now....make the future of the baby you already have....stop trying to bring in more babies its not going to make situation any better...rather it would increase the responsibilities...which who knows ultimately you may have to bear all alone...

    Sit and think quietly what you want in life...
    if you want your husband to give you respect and involve you in key decisions....he wont do it overnight...(please read the points I posted in some other thread called all alone)...in this forum only..

    You have to be financially independant..an dhow you do that being in USA is upto you....but if you plan to go back to India...do not stay at your inlaws place and get a job and raise your kid all by yourself..

    remember being a single mom is not gonna be easy..and dont think that your hsuband is going to handover the baby to you just like that...and if you runaway to india without his approval...you will be put behind bars for kidnapping the baby...know all these legalities befor eyou do anyhting.

    Next time he raises his hand...again warn him about cops...eventually if he doesnt learn the lesson the soft way..he got to learn the hardway...i.le you calling the cops.
    remember you are worried aobut your husbands future n job etc..but what if something happens to you and your kid ends up with no mom??? does that sound ideal?? I dont think so..

    never put your physical safety at risk.

    Start talking to your hsuband about hwatis his expectations about his wife n family. what are his plans for future and savings and kids future?
    know more info on his plans...so that you wont be feeling anxiety on he transferring money to whomever he wants.

    As long as he is addressing all the needs of you and your kid, what he does and how he helps his family shouldnt really matter isnt it?? if he is not taking care of you/your kids needs, then yes it does matter alot...but if a man is handling his responsibilities well, then let him manage hte finances.
     
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  5. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    You already have a kid, right? Did you imagine the impact on him/her when their parents are fighting and dad is hitting mom? First try to set things right between you and your husband before you plan for another kid.

    Call the cops next time he tries to abuse you, verbal or physical. Empty threats will only make your husband bolder. Next time he hits and you make this threat again, he will just laugh it off because he knows that you can never do that.

    Being reserved has nothing to do with sharing of financial info with spouse. It is both of your life and you have a right to know the details of your income and savings. Sit with him and talk gently about it. Dont let it brew into a fight. If the situation is going out of control, then walk out of the room.

    As other have suggested, keep yourself occupied with work or other activites. Dont think too much about your fights etc.
     
  6. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Allow a man to hit you once without any consequences except empty threats and you are opening the door to more violence.

    Just look at the reality of your situation objectively:

    1. You are in the US. I don't know what your visa status is and whether you are allowed to work. If you are
    allowed to, go ahead and get a job. Get financially independent and then walk out with your kid on this
    guy.
    If you are not allowed to work, there is no way for you to get out of your mess. So you need to complain
    to the police next time he raises his hand on you.

    2. If you want to come back to India, you cannot walk away with your kid for fear of being accused of
    kidnapping. If you register a complaint, you can go to court, try to get custody of the child and bring him
    back to India. Again we do not know whether you want to continue with this guy or quit him. That has to
    be your call.

    Don't think of another kid at this point of time. Why would you want to bring an unsuspecting, innocent child into this mess? Would it be fair on an unborn kid?

    As for resorting with violence, don't even think of it. You will get into trouble for it. You are lucky to be in a country where domestic violence is taken seriously and where you can be sure the legal system will dispense quick justice. So make use of it to improve your situation, to protect yourself and your child.
     
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  7. SMILEYFACE

    SMILEYFACE New IL'ite

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    Thanks all for the time and patience shown to reply me. About my visa status i'm not having work permit. All these yrs even though we fight he used to take good care of us and helps me in household work also. No bad habits other than he likes to spend time with his laptop all the time. I tried to set a time limit for using it again after two-three days the story would be the same. But as i told u earlier and as described in another thread my husband doesnt talk to me much. He likes to play with the kid or like to do his stuff. If i bring some issues that causes tension b/w the two families and his family in no way wants to keep me as his wife. If i go back to India and start doing job again inlaws will come to know abt our fight and eventually I cant tell what would be the result. we may end up separated. That will make my family in a shock.. I'm in a dilemma as what to do. Should i wait here till i get a work permit or should i go back. I never thought of divorce before. This is the first time in all theses yrs he raised his hand against me and now i'm confused.
     
  8. IlovemyMom

    IlovemyMom Gold IL'ite

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    Hi, I don't know why all in-laws are like this. Why should they get their son married and start hating his wife and creating problems. I don't know when I am going to post my problem here. Coming to your problem, tell your husband that if he is going to hit you next time you will call the cop. Whatever may be the situation he cannot hit you. If you can get a job here try for it, else tell him you want to go to India for a vacation and get a job there. You have said that your family will in shock if you both get separated. Even if something happens to you won't your family be shocked? Will they be able to bear it? It's your duty to take care of your son. Pls take a good decision.
     
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  9. RJMK

    RJMK Silver IL'ite

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    Hmm...You need to sit back and relax first.
    Ok so he takes care of you and loves your kid.Both of you are fine as long as its only about you two then its fine.
    Problem arises when your H is forever bullying you,cheats on you and taunts you for nothing.He isnt doing any of the above I guess(I will come to the hitting portion a little late)

    Second thing about having a second kid.Please dont go for it.Kids are responsibility and not a time pass or something to mend a marriage.SO a big NO from my side.You have one kid.Shower all your attention on him.Make him a great human being and give him the best education and values you can.

    You are staying at home and dont have work permit.Well you can keep yourself busy by taking up some hobby and taking care of yourself.I do these things sometimes.I will go for manicure,pedicure or apply heena or something and keep myself fit.Hit the gym..Live for yourself first.

    Never ever come in between him and his family.The more you coax him,the more he will rebell.You need to see to it that he has enough for your son's education and future.If not then bring it up in a mild way.Once I told my H that I want OUR son to be highly educated.I feel like securing his and OUR future.Lets do something TOGETHER and make our son feel proud of his parents,i.e.YOU AND ME.
    And the next day my H started 2 policies in my son'd name.Now I am not bothered about his monet at all...

    Ok coming to hitting now.Yes It takes away the trust and love from marriage when the man who is supposed to protect you actually hits you like this.You feel like doing either of the two,and that is to hit him back or take the beatings and cry.Well both are wrong.You need to take a stand.There might be a time in the day when he is in a good mood.Tell him then that Buddy its not done.Stop paying attention to him and stop doing things for him.I had a similar experience and now I am totally free from my H's responsibility.
    Its simple.You love him.,you stay with him and you will be with him.But Now you wont do things for him coz you are not his punch bag.No need to say anything.Action speaks louder then words.IGNORE YOUR H for YOURSELF.
    It helped me get my life back.Now I feel like a college girl.I dont care now for who thinks what for me.I am just cool with myself.And I have loads of fun with my son.

    So stop thinking and going too much in depth.Stop asking questions and querrying about anything.Once you start looking life in a positive way,everything else will automatically turn beautiful and lively for you.Best of luck.
     
  10. puspita

    puspita Silver IL'ite

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    Hey Smileyface

    I couldnot find any strong negative point in your husband.ok...hitting case is not acceptable at all...
    and the financial stuffs...since u 2 are fighting, not sharing a good relationship, so he didnt tell u...Male ego..like "I am earning, whatever I spend why shd I tell her??"...and this thing comes into picture when husband, wife dont trust each other....

    No use to dig the past...inlaws problems are there and will come like this...dear it happens with every1...we cant change others, but why to waste time thinking abt them....i mean u must be telling "why ur relatives told me like this...etc etc?"...and he must be supporting them....generally fight starts like this....But if u just sit and think calmly....all these r just useless...

    My suggestion is pls try to work on ur marriage, definitely everything will be fine....and u shd not leave for India in this situation...try to do whatever u find at ur place now, or else wait for ur visa...
     

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