In Laws Staying Over At My Parents In India

As a background, I don't have a very healthy relationship with my ILs. We hardly talk. Just occasionally (once a month) and that too is quite formal. They do visit us every 1-2 years though and stay with us.

My Mom called me today and mentioned my PIL wants to get an eye surgery done. They are planning to do it in the same city as my parents live and want to stay while they recover. I am feeling very awkward as DH never mentioned anything about it. My mom is dealing with her share of her health concerns for the last couple of weeks, and I am not comfortable them staying for an unknown period of time. I am not sure what I should do?

I asked my parents if they are comfortable. They told me its going to be fine. I know my parents usually go out of the way to treat the guests. and this is my ILs talking about. My ILs have stayed at my parents in my absence but not for long. Any advice around this will be highly appreciated.

 

I totally understand and relate to the situation. I have mentioned it to my parents to get the extra help if needed, especially around cooking. To give further context of the apprehension, there have been some old painful Bruises that have been left from the previous such visit. Which are hard to forget and forgo. Let me share that. My family stays in urban Indian (city) where life is hectic and cost of living is high. They live in a apartment. iLs however live in a small town (think there are no malls, no market even around the area), life is slow and houses are huge and labor is cheap. My kids were little (newborn and toddler at that stage) and DH as always during india visit wanted to keep his parents with him wherever we went. He insisted my ILs to stay at my parents house so kids could continue to bond. Without getting into much details about that. Once I overheard my PIL talking to my 3 old at that time. Saying your Nani nanu house is super small to accommodate you. You should come stay with us where you have plenty of room to play. I was hurt hearing this! I want my kid to appreciate everything in life and not infuse thoughts and concept of big versus small. It’s the love and care the grand parents give is what matters. I have grown in this 2 bedroom lil house and I did just fine. I can’t let go of that conversation as I know there is a constant comparison between them having an independent home versus my parents living in an appartment. My parents are equally old. They used to go out of the way to please them. But got no appreciation. Even this week when my PIL called, he suggested if my parents got their house painted and my dad told no cause my mom is not well. Who are they to suggest my parents to get the house painted? What does that has to do with their cataract surgery? There are are doc in their area too and nearby city but they want to come get this very common out patient surgery done In the same city cause my parents live here, and they wouldn’t have t to get a hotel. I would hate for my parents especially now when I am not there and my mom not feeling well to go out of the way.

 

I believe most of the parents would do the same, given the situation. That’s how Indian families are! Brownie points doesn’t count anymore to be honest. You want a smooth and healthy lifestyle with no stress. That’s what matters at the end. I don’t care about brownie points anymore

 

True. Suppressing your emotions and trying to earn brownie part wouldn't take you far is what I have gained in my experience. It will come out eventually. Stay true to what you are. And be honest with your spouse. I am at a neutral point where I know my inlaws can't be my parents. DH realizes and understands that as well.

DH hasn't shared his parents plan yet with me. I was waiting for him to start the conversation, but since he hasn't initiated it, I am planning to confront and ask about alternate options given my mom's health situation. I will see where it lands. I would still be okay if it is 1 or 2 days kind of deal. When my MIL had her last cataract surgery (due to the legacy traditions and belief's of staying closer to doctor), they stayed with their relatives for over 3 weeks. I can't imagine my parents not having that breathing space for this long.