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In Laws Moving In

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Anamika99, May 17, 2019.

  1. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I was active user and reader but was in hiatus for a while.
    And a lot has happened... so before i discuss my situation a little background...

    - Usual problems with dominating in laws
    - husband being mamma's boy, and brained washed by PILs that he cannot do anything for me or my family
    - PILs staying with us in USA every 6 months and going back, with kinda of weather half year my parents even cannot come for the other half, so only time my parents can come if my in-laws do not come
    -lots of heartbreaking discussion with hubby about calling my parents and saying no to his parents sometimes, it used to get worse and so many intense fight and my son used to get impacted so i started to give in...
    - finally in 2018 my husband agreed for my parents to come and my parents spent some time with me and some time with my brother....

    Now little situation on my Dad - he was fighting cancer for a long time and he came in 2018 after a surgery (was in Sept 2017), so we were not expecting issues soon enough...unfortunately cancer was aggressive this time and came back soon and my parents had to leave sooner...

    Dad went through surgery in Sept 2018 again and i went to help for 8 days...
    While Dad was in surgery ICU right after surgery... my in laws met an accident and i was asked to go help them (when i went my PIL were kind of ok, was no need for me to go) since I was already in india, My MIL did have hairline fracture in spine but she was doing all right with rest. I still went leaving my dad in ICU....
    and They asked me "so what did you Mama give you in return gift?" (It was in reference to my mama's son's wedding and my mama had not given any return gift according to the custom)

    I was in so much shock... i came leaving my Dad in ICU to help you and that is what you are concerned about ( #1)

    Ok so then I get back to USA and my MIL start to have health issues and was in ICU, my husband went to help but he never went and saw my dad even it was right after my dad's surgery... ok whatever...

    fastforward a couple of months and my dad's cancer is back, and we tried everything possible and doc gave up and we came to know mid feb that my dad has 4-8 weeks,

    So end of Feb we go to meet him and my in laws made such drama, we were staying mostly at my place as it was 6 day visit to india only...and my inlaws did not like the fact that my hubby my son and myself spending more time at my parents... they taunted my husband so much over the phone . my husband explain that we are gonna see my dad as he is dieing... so in-lwas said u come to see us when we are dieing too only...and there was more... (#2)
    they made so much drama with her health that my husband and son spent two days less with my dad than planned and went to my in-laws...

    Ok so we come back and month later my dad passed away. I told my hubby I am gonna help out my mom and stay there for a month... which I did....i just got back 10 days before...

    So my husband requested go and visit my parents and stay for two days... she is having bad health and all... (she had piles and and now diaonised with kidney desease so all of that was going on parallel) but i stayed firm as my mom needed me the most and my in laws were planning to come here for summer anyways.... stilll my hubby asked me so on the last day i went for 4 hrs...
    and it has been hardly a month my dad passed away and infront of me, my MIL taunted my mom...
    had she (me) come 2 days early, it would have been nice... (#3)

    I have tried my best to move on from other things they have done,,,,but after those #1-3 labelled above.... i just cannot come in terms with my heart to move on . I cannot even complain to my hubby. He thinks he supported so much with my dad's situation then why I am not supporting him with his mom's health... so i kept mum...
    Now my in laws are coming this saturday....and my hubby is gonna do their GC, so they are not going back...

    My issue is.... those #1-3, i cannor forgive them and it is so hard for me to show love and be cordial etc and if i do not then my hubby will get mad leading to our fight and it will mess up my son


    I just donot want to tell my hubby but still ignore my PILs (do my duty but not spend my time with them or go out together or watch movie on TV together...) how do i go about it? My hubby will ask me to spend time with them...

    I am just going so crazy...

    one about the increased work load
    their interference
    and lastly going against my heart and my emotions about them due to #1-3
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Welcome back, Anamika.

    Sorry to read about what you have been through in the past few years.

    Your husband's support for you during your father's illness can be counted as return for only his parents coming and staying all the years before yours got to visit.

    The GC for parents being done without your agreement is not fair. He can do that but he cannot expect you to also be lovey-dovey with his parents.

    You want to be polite but distant with in-laws. You fear that this will lead to fights and that will impact your son. Tough place. You should have a talk with husband in which you list some of your in-laws' actions and comments. If husband interrupts, say that you are not looking for reasons on why they are like this. You are stating the obvious. Tell him that they cannot change their nature. You cannot prevent their GC from happening. Say you will do your best but your best will have limits.

    How to avoid fights and arguments: keep your words few and to the point. Do not engage more than necessary. It will be tough initially, but soon your coolness will become default. By now your son must also be old enough to begin to understand these things a little.

    If husband keeps bringing up the support he provided with your father, tell him you appreciate it. Do not argue about it. Say he helped up to the best of his ability and you will do the same.
     
    periamma, MalStrom, Amica and 2 others like this.
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Welcome back op.

    Op...why has a working woman in a first world country landed herself in a situation where her opinion is not even asked before such major decisions are taken.:(

    Why are you the only one responsible for keeping peace for the sake of your son ?
    Why always you?
    He has two parents.

    Peace is not the only criteria for good parenthood.
    He is watching his father take decisions that do not take care of his mothers happiness. He is watching his mother accept her fate without voicing her opinion .He watches his grandparents making his mother uncomfortable in her own home.
    He is watching and learning.

    If you can't stop them from coming ....atleast fight for some space for yourself. Fight for ground rules that will not be broken. Lay down rules regarding what all he will do for his parents.

    He can't take away your peace for life in return for the 4 days he spent with your very sick father. He owed you that and more for taking crap from his parents all these years.

    Does he have siblings?
    Can they spend some months at their place and give you some breathing space?
     
  4. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @Anamika99 - welcome back after a long hiatus. I’m so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you. It must have been difficult to see a parent struggle. I hope you have got some closure despite the pesky PILs.

    Anamika, your PILs are the reason you had to go on anti anxiety meds(or something of that sort right, if I remember right from the past interactions with you)? How can you be expected to let go?
    I don’t know what to say other than the fact that you shouldn’t have to live in your own house as a stranger and walk on egg shells around them.

    You can’t not tell the DH and handle things alone if he sabotages your attempts to compartmentalize by expecting you to do more than you are willing to. I would make a list, practice to state facts and then tell it to him unemotionally before they get here. In that list, I would note that it’s not just three instances but years of emotional trauma by controlling what you wear, how you cook, what you do with them etc. Tell him it’s not possible to forget it and move on.

    After that conversation, he will still push you to do things I’m sure. You could also practice turning a deaf year to unreasonable demands. Just don’t react when something extra is asked of you but don’t do it. Walk away, go out, take son to practice and don’t come back until late etc etc. Seems like a lot to do and not always practical but your situation demands you do a lot of push back. It’s going to take time because you have always given in for years on end. The expectation is that you will do it by default. Enough is enough though.

    Good luck. Stay strong. Push back If needed. Don’t do things and feel bad for doing it. If you do something let it go right then.
     
    MalStrom, Amica, startinganew and 3 others like this.
  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    +1 a million times.

    Anamika, it won't be easy but it will be worth it to change things. They are coming this Saturday? All conversations with husband need not be completed before they arrive. Be cool, keep cool and start making that list. In the initial days, test the waters. Modify that list as needed. Keep having conversations with husband as needed. Keep the list brief and do not keep adding new dramas from in-laws to it.

    Above all, stop dreading unpleasantness between you and your husband. Stop fearing what impact it will have on your son. Like ym said, your son has two parents. It is not just your job to provide a happy household and reasonably happy parents to your son. Unpleasantness cannot be avoided when your in-laws are living with you. In for a penny, in for a pound. There is going to be some fights and arguments. Those might as well be the result of you being cool and polite.
     
    Last edited: May 18, 2019
  6. ramya8085

    ramya8085 Bronze IL'ite

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    i am a newbee. this sounds very silly, but there will be lot of gas lighting to make your severely anxious. have you thought about that on how to handle.
     
    yellowmango and Amica like this.
  7. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Welcome back, Anamika. I am very sorry for your loss and what you are going to have to endure. I used to shudder reading your posts and it looks like the disrespect towards you continues. You might want to line up a therapist to help you cope and give you some strategies to deal with the emerging family situation.
     
  8. startinganew

    startinganew Silver IL'ite

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    I just read some of your old posts and my reaction is the same as malstorm - I shudder at what you've gone through. Your adjusting nature and repeated attempts to do more and more for them - has not received any reciprocation.
    I am so to sorry to say this - but your nature has only been taken advantage of and manipulated to do more.

    I hope you will be able to muster the strength to confront in a polite and confident way - when the situation warrants it. And given how much efforts you have been able to put in to "meet" their requirements and demands - I think the strength does lie inside of you - you just need to bring it out - for the right reasons and a new way, that is more loving towards yourself.

    I would also recommend a therapist to have a reliable and consistent outlet to discuss your situation and handle your anxiety. And I hope your husband will not stand in the way for you to get this support from a therapist. And instead looks at the situation as something truly out-of-the-ordinary and maybe invoke him to realize his wife needs more support from him.
     
    yellowmango, SinghManisha and Amica like this.
  9. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @Anamika99, my condolences on the loss of your father.

    I read your post, then skimmed through your old threads and was speechless for a while.

    A few things jumped out at me: Your ILs don't give a toss about your DH. They sound like stereotypical narcissists to me. Think about it for a minute. Do loving parents do all in their power to ensure their adult son's happiness? or do they make demands on him that could destroy his marriage and stress him out? Your ILs don't seem to care about anyone other than themselves.

    Your DH is caught between a rock and a hard place. He has spent a lifetime appeasing his parents; he's not going to change without a strong impetus. Like a lot of children raised by such parents, he simply gives in to them. He makes you follow his agenda by simple manipulation — he brings up the sad story of his stressful work life or, if that fails, he goes for silent treatment.

    These are their family dynamics and their behavior patterns. You are not responsible for them and it's not your job to fix them.

    What's your job? 1) To look after yourself. 2) To provide a healthy environment for your DS.

    Giving in to your DH's emotional blackmail for over two decades was a mistake. You can't change the past but the future is entirely in your hands.

    There's no reason for you to give up anything for your hostile ILs. Separation/divorce would cost you your marriage, your son's security, your home, the life you've built — and would make your ILs ecstatic. Don't go there.

    Your IL's behavior surrounding your father's illness and death should serve as a wake-up call for your DH. If it doesn't, let him know that it has been a wake-up call for you. Do not do any seva for them this time around. Be civil. Do the bare minimum hostessing. Do not be pleasant or welcoming. If DH asks you to do something for them that you don't want to, say "No" and walk away. No excuses, no arguments, no need to relive past traumas. Don't succumb to his tears or silence. It's just manipulation. Let go of household chores; enjoy time with your son. Go out, hang out with your friends. Take your son out for movies, dinners, quality time.

    Your DH will soon figure out that his parents have crossed a line and he cannot manipulate you into bending over any more.

    But this can happen only if you draw that line. It won't be easy but you have no choice now. Any time you're about to cave, ask yourself if you're capable of enduring their BS for the next several years. Full time. No 6 month break. Think of your future and resolve to put yourself and your son ahead of your MIL.

    Be strong, Anamika. It won't be for long. Narcissists look after themselves first. If they're not able to bully you, they'll find another victim.
    .
     
  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with this advice in principle but it is going to be very difficult to practice. OP will be guilt-tripped into putting the in-laws needs first. The DH has been observing his parents' behavior for years and nothing has changed. If he cared he would have consulted the OP before making plans to permanently bring them here, despite knowing her feelings.
     
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